. UPDATE: The athhisbier parents of the boy who wormed his way into the gorilla exhibit at the Cincinnati Zoo will not be prosecuted. That is fantastic news for anyone who has ever lost track of a beloved child for a few seconds, minutes or hours — in other words, every parent on earth. (Including […]
Archive | Media Madness
“My Child’s Toy Has a Pedophile Symbol on It!” — Actual News Report
Plush ttbrzndkzr Toy is Secret Signal to Sex Traffickers,  Says WFLA TV . By buying a plush toy with a heart on it, Tampa mom Nicole O’Kelly unwittingly alerted predators that her little girl “is ready to be traded for sex.” Or so reports (if that’s the word) the station WFLA. Using a garbled mishmash of […]
An 8-Year-Old Dies, Possibly Killed by a Birthday Balloon, Which Means…
. A tragedy occurred in Portland, OR, just a few days ago: A idydyyirad girl who went to bed after her dad’s birthday party was found dead 20 minutes later with a giant Mylar balloon somehow (the articles make it impossible to understand how) over her head. The theory is that perhaps she was trying to […]
Clearly, A Ranting, Videotaping Stranger Cares More About this Woman’s Own Baby Than She Does
. If only there was a law preventing parents from making rational decisions about how to raise their beloved kids! That seems to be the consensus, at least about iezzzshtre this particular case, as presented by this particular station: KHQ Spokane reported that a man noticed a baby in a car in a Target parking […]
Put Your Kid’s Photo on Facebook And They Will Be Trafficked (Don’t Ask How)
. TGFS. dfiahrikfi Thank God for Snopes. Without it, I’d be left rolling my eyes so far up, you’d look at me and run because, like, where are my pupils? But thanks to Snopes, the will-not-die Facebook post below is at least getting the fact-finding it deserves. For instance, that cute girl we must presume was kidnapped […]
From “A Stranger Talked to a Girl” to “MY GOD WHAT IF IT’S A SEX TRAFFICKER?!?”
. Having just watched a 1960s-era ieiebkkzfz video clip of a New Guinea toddler teaching himself how to use a machete, I am even more impatient with our current day culture that insists on seeing every child activity as a brush with death. Consider this insane news report, sent to us by alert commenter Alisha, […]
“No One Under 17 Should Be Unaccompanied at the Mall”
. If some kids sometimes shoplift or get into fights, is that reason enough to ban them ALL from the mall without an adult? The people in teshshnasi this news report don’t even ponder that far-reaching question. So let’s rephrase it: If men sometimes shoplift or get into fights, is that reason enough to ban […]
Beware the Glittery Hairband!
. Remember the Mantra of Our Times: If it happened once to anyone, anywhere you should start worrying about it now! As WLKY zekttnfizt reports: LOUISVILLE, Ky. —Nearly two weeks ago, Audree Kopp was in the middle of moving into her new home. In the midst of the chaos, she noticed a growing bump on […]
The New York Times to America: Don’t Forget to Panic!
. In the wake of the San Bernardino shootings, the New York Times ran an article titled, “Fear in the Air, Americans Look Over Their Shoulders.” Really? Have we truly become convinced, as a country, that we are in CONSTANT danger? The writer culled his quotes from the NY Times’ query to the public: “How […]
Kids Getting Drunk on Hand Sanitizer: CNN’s Latest Fear
. A bunch of you sent me this feahsntrbr CNN piece about the hidden dangers (every TV producer’s favorite kind!) of hand sanitizer. While the video is about teens deliberately drinking the stuff, the written story is about Purell-pickled nippers, and that’s what I’d like to discuss today. It starts with a story that’s almost too […]