UPDATE! See the Real Bingo Card for Child Hysteria Bingo!

LOOK! Thank you, Marjorie Ingall,  for making this into a Bingo Card! (And here’s a site that allows you to do the same. So fun!) 

Readers — Commenter Jenny Islander sent in this brilliant Child Hysteria Bingo board! Feel free to add more ideas:

Welp, I think I’ve finally read enough of Free-Range Kids to make a Bingo board.  Make a 5×5 grid, put Free [Range] Space in the middle, scatter the other options randomly over the grid, and play along!

  1. SCARY BLACK PEOPLE
  2. SCARY MEN
  3. SCARY PO’ FOLKS
  4. FACTS SCHMACTS, WE’VE GOT A WITCH HUNT GOING HERE
  5. MAD SNATCHERS BEHIND EVERY TREE
  6. I MADE IT UP AND NOW IT SCARES ME
  7. PHOTOS ARE WINDOWS TO MY CHILD’S BEDROOM
  8. ALL CHILDREN ARE 2 UNTIL THEY TURN 18
  9. THE ETERNAL CRIME WAVE
  10. EVERYTHING BAD ON THE NEWS HAPPENS HERE
  11. FORT SCHOLASTIC, ALLES IN ORDNUNG
  12. HOW DARE YOU USE PUBLIC PROPERTY
  13. –free space–
  14. SCARY LONE ADULTS
  15. CARS EAT CHILDREN
  16. IF IT SOMETIMES HAPPENS IT MUST ALWAYS HAPPEN
  17. FREE-RANGE PARENTS ARE CRAZY/EVIL/STUPID
  18. PRETEND GAMES MAKE CHILDREN DO BAD THINGS
  19. GUNS AND KNIVES CAUSE EVIL THOUGHTS
  20. GROUND IN THE GEARS OF ZERO TOLERANCE
  21. PUNISH SOMEBODY WHEN THINGS GO WRONG
  22. IT’S ALWAYS MOM’S FAULT
  23. BUT WE MIGHT GET SUED!
  24. ALL BOOBOOS ARE HORRIBLE
  25. DIRT IS EVIL

    Are we afraid of almost everything, where our kids are concerned? BINGO!

    Are we afraid of almost everything, where our kids are concerned? BINGO!

 

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30 Responses to UPDATE! See the Real Bingo Card for Child Hysteria Bingo!

  1. Cindy December 2, 2014 at 10:47 am #

    You forgot

    26) Those who don’t want to sexually assault my kid want to watch

  2. Cindy December 2, 2014 at 10:47 am #

    Perfect! Except you forgot

    26) Those who don’t want to sexually assault my kid want to watch

  3. pentamom December 2, 2014 at 11:16 am #

    I’m not sure which one I’d replace with this, but it MUST contain:

    Independence for kids is for lazy parents

  4. Rob McMillin December 2, 2014 at 11:48 am #

    Hell, you forgot using black crayons. An oldie but a goodie from way back inna day.

  5. E December 2, 2014 at 12:25 pm #

    I’m not sure how this advances the cause. Sometimes things like this just come off condescending. If the media and the consumer market are preying on parent fear and are successful in doing so, then perhaps admonishing parents doesn’t really help?

    I sat with my 86 yo mom recently, one who raised 6 kids free range (before it was called that) and had us come home when she rang the dinner bell, even SHE talked about things that had happened to her great grand kids as if they were in constant peril. When I asked her “why” she cited how things have changed — just like most parents today.

  6. E December 2, 2014 at 12:28 pm #

    Perhaps I shouldn’t have posted at all. I guess I’m just not the audience for this type of humor (or whatever it is). And that’s on me to move along, rather than to comment.

  7. Emily Morris December 2, 2014 at 12:29 pm #

    I see how it can be condescending, but I’m seriously going to make myself a board and keep it nearby for future blog posts.

  8. marie December 2, 2014 at 12:53 pm #

    27. If it saves one child…
    28. I know it isn’t effective but it makes me FEEL safer.

  9. J.T. Wenting December 2, 2014 at 1:59 pm #

    @Rob that post doesn’t even begin to address the real problem, and that’s that black crayons are black and thus racist 🙂

  10. lollipoplover December 2, 2014 at 2:01 pm #

    @E-
    It’s not condescending.
    It’s snarcasm (snark+sarcasm) humor and you don’t have to like it. It’s a lot like cilantro. You either love it or hate it. I find it HILARIOUS.

    I would add to the list(’tis that time of year again):

    DANGEROUS TOYS THAT WILL KILL OR MAIM YOUR CHILD
    and
    WHERE WERE THE PARENTS???

  11. Warren December 2, 2014 at 2:48 pm #

    Read an article about some Texas teachers now carrying concealed weapons. Though the author was against it, she made one comment that was very telling.

    “As any good parent, the thought of a school shooter keeps me up at night.”

    I got blasted for suggesting she get help with her fear, as it is unhealthy.

  12. Angela December 2, 2014 at 3:09 pm #

    Apparently an irrational fear is OK as long as it’s “popular.”

    I know I have irrational fears. I was right around 20 years old (and a new mother at the time) when I began identifying and cataloguing them. I did this because I did NOT want irrational fears controlling my life or that of my children.

    Now, when my 11 year old asks if she can ride her bike the few country miles into town, my knee-jerk answer of “No” is replaced with some actual thought. Is the bike in good condition? Is the weather decent? Is there any other reason I can think of that would make it particularly dangerous? Without a specific danger to fear (say – if road construction and a detour caused a huge jump in traffic) I force myself to acknowledge that the fear is irrational and allow her to go.

    It’s not easy, but who ever said that raising children was easy?

  13. Dave December 2, 2014 at 3:12 pm #

    When I take my granddaughter to the park I noticed only new trees. Any tree that could be climbed has been removed or mutilated to prevent children from climbing them. As a teacher (in High School) I occasionally ask students if they have ever climbed a tree. Out of about 1,500 students, only 4.

    If this life doesn’t work, hit “RESET”.

  14. Jenny Islander December 2, 2014 at 3:45 pm #

    @E: This board isn’t aimed at parents. It’s a game you can play when you see yet another article about, oh, school administrators in a Texas district forbidding school-aged children to use sunscreen during school hours on the grounds that they might drink it and be poisoned thereby, and never mind the incidence of skin cancer in the Sun Belt. You could become incandescently angry. You could give up in despair. Or you could play bingo.

    (That article, BTW, hits nos. 6, 9, 11, 16, 20, and, depending on how they respond to criticism, 23. Possible BINGO!)

  15. Sharon December 2, 2014 at 3:50 pm #

    30. Please feed my child all day. She cannot go 10 minutes without a snack.

  16. Emily Morris December 2, 2014 at 4:07 pm #

    One Minor Mistake Maims Your Child!

  17. hineata December 2, 2014 at 5:55 pm #

    @Dave – how is that even possible? Do you teach in a desert region with few trees? Or the middle of a large concrete urban area?

    I do live on a sort of tree-covered set of islands, I suppose – but even parents who mollycoddle their kids have difficulty keeping those same kids out of trees….Kids just seem to naturally gravitate to trees if they exist in their vicinity. A bit like meerkats gravitate to higher ground.

    Not sure how you keep kids out of trees…. :-).

  18. hineata December 2, 2014 at 5:58 pm #

    Even Silent Child still likes to climb into the backyard trees and read. Falling out of it onto the handmower didn’t scar her mentally…too much! 🙂

    I feel really sorry for any kids who don’t get the chance to climb trees…..so fun!

  19. no rest for the weary December 2, 2014 at 6:20 pm #

    Free Range Parents = LAZY PARENTS
    Five minutes in a parked car = INSTANT DEATH
    But if anything ever happened to my kid, I just couldn’t live with myself
    If I don’t let my kid do it, YOUR KID CAN’T DO IT EITHER

  20. Peter December 2, 2014 at 7:11 pm #

    Regarding climbing trees…

    Years ago, I used to play with my roomate’s nieces and nephews. I know, grown man playing with children, most child molesters are people the parents trust, etc. Anyway, at the time the group was about 5-10 years old and we would play hide-and-seek.

    Now when the kids hid, they’d usually find something to hide behind or under. But there were some trees around so when it was my turn to hide, I would climb a tree. None of the kids even thought of this as a concept! They’d mull around looking in the bushes and behind the tree but none of them would even think to look up! (Of course, if any of them got too close, I’d set off my car alarm and they’d all go running over there)

    Even after demonstrating that one could hide in a tree, only the 10 year old actually tried it…

    In these kids’ defense, they did grow up in a concrete covered urban area whereas I grew up in the country.

  21. Curt December 2, 2014 at 8:01 pm #

    @Rob, your blog post about the black crayons caused to fscepalm. Was this “psychologist” fresh out of grad school, I wonder?

  22. gap.runner December 2, 2014 at 11:34 pm #

    Some others to add:

    * Germ hysteria (why else do US schools require kids to bring hand sanitizer)

    * Red pens that the teacher uses to correct papers cause permanent psychological trauma (many US school districts have banned teachers from using red pens for that reason)

    * Letting your kids eat any type of junk food, even once, will make your child instantly obese and cause his/her teeth to rot. (schools ban cupcakes and other sweets at class parties)

  23. John December 3, 2014 at 3:22 am #

    Jenny sure hit the nail on the head with numbers 7 & 8. I will definitely remember those!

  24. Emily December 3, 2014 at 11:28 am #

    I’ve lost count, because some people aren’t counting, but that’s okay:

    -I did XYZ as a child, but times have changed!!! It’s just not safe anymore!!!

    -Adult supervision guarantees absolute safety. Any unsupervised time, no matter how brief, and no matter how old the child in question, is automatically dangerous.

    -Public bathrooms and locker rooms are crawling with pedophiles.

    -^People who expect a modicum of privacy from school-aged children in said rooms, are evil and selfish, and don’t care about The Safety Of The Children.

    -Exposing children to traditions from cultures other than their own is automatically offensive and can scar them for life.

    -Buy this overpriced and unnecessary safety product, or else you don’t care about your child.

    -A lifetime in a life jacket is better than teaching a child to swim (or other arguments in that same vein).

  25. Emily December 3, 2014 at 2:25 pm #

    P.S., I meant “a modicum of privacy from school-aged children OF THE OPPOSITE SEX in public bathrooms and locker rooms.” I’m not bothered by school-aged girls, but school-aged boys have no business seeing me in various stages of undress.

  26. Papilio December 3, 2014 at 2:52 pm #

    ANYTHING VAGUELY RESEMBLING A GUN *IS* A GUN

  27. Papilio December 3, 2014 at 2:53 pm #

    ANY GLIMPSE OF A NAKED BODY IS TRAUMATIZING

  28. Emily December 3, 2014 at 3:40 pm #

    -All adults who work or volunteer with children must be background-checked within an inch of their lives, sometimes at their expense, and found to be *perfect,* and even then, if we don’t like them, we’ll turn them away anyway. It’s such a RED FLAG when single, childless adults who didn’t grow up in our organization want to work with children!!!

    (True story, with the Girl Guides of Canada. My experience with the Girl Guides in Australia was much more positive).

  29. Papilio December 4, 2014 at 7:19 pm #

    Unbelievable no one has mentioned baby snatcher gangs yet (at about 2:32):
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tq89_rAu_s

  30. I don't even December 7, 2014 at 9:37 pm #

    Thought this one might be of interest: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-northern-ireland-11810372

    Those potential effects of helium (well, aside the squeaky voice) are pretty much the same as any gas-induced change in breathing e.g. any suffocation.

    The cure’s actually quite simple and easy to perform, especially with a child who is a)old enough to follow instructions and b)small enough to listen. Simply send the child to play outside. Yeah, that’s it. The idea is to get fresh air in the ‘patient’. For a teen or stubborn child, simply get a pin and insert it into the balloon. Problem solved.