Child Protection Workers Remove Children from 68,000,000 Unfit Parents

Your fun for the weekend, from The Onion, which gets it just about right just about every time:

WASHINGTON—Saying no one in the country is responsible or reliable enough to serve as a legal guardian, child protective services officials from all 50 states confirmed Friday that they had found all of the nation’s adults unfit to be parents and had taken custody of approximately 80 million children.

Child welfare workers told reporters they removed all persons under the age of 18 from their unsuitable living situations and placed them under state supervision after home visits revealed that none of the 68 million parents in the United States possessed the judgment or emotional maturity necessary to raise a child.

“Throughout the nation, investigations into the home environments of children failed to find a single household in which parents were serving as positive role models in any way,” said U.S. Administration for Children and Families spokesperson Lisa Young, describing how caseworkers entered homes to find kids eating food of no nutritional value and staring vacantly at the screens of tablet computers. “We soon determined American adults are utterly incapable of setting a good example when it comes to healthy habits or personal behavior.”

“The moment you meet these people, you realize they have absolutely no business being parents,” she added.

Read the rest here!

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American parents are doing it all wrong. The authorities must step in. 

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18 Responses to Child Protection Workers Remove Children from 68,000,000 Unfit Parents

  1. Amy February 26, 2017 at 5:45 am #

    Unfortunately the onion is closer to the truth than ever. CPS frequently takes children on the flimsiest of reasons.

  2. elizabeth February 26, 2017 at 11:55 am #

    The irony is that cps SHOULD be scolding parents who let their kids play with electronics all day instead of kicking them outside (good ol’ vitamin d). And maybe the parents who make unhealthy food choices all the time should attend a nutrition class. (Jk btw it isnt my place to tell parents what to do.)

  3. James Pollock February 26, 2017 at 1:20 pm #

    Now if only we could also get the authorities to revoke voting rights from everybody who fails to handle the job responsibly (by which, of course, I mean that they vote differently than me…)

  4. Rebel mom February 26, 2017 at 2:45 pm #

    Elizabeth I loved your answer. I totally believe in myob but like your answer suggested my own children get kicked outside ALL THE TIME and we eat actual real food not processed food like substances. There are more of us out there than it feels like and I like to publicize our existence. If you’re reading this please know it is good and normal to eschew fast food and pop tarts and not give your kid a tablet or smartphone. They won’t die! Promise.

  5. Carolyn February 26, 2017 at 3:47 pm #

    Lately it seems the responses to these articles has been less “Free Range” and more “parent shaming”. What a shame. I used to like these updates.

  6. Puzzled February 26, 2017 at 4:38 pm #

    I just heard a commercial for Budget Blinds on the radio. Apparently, they’ve come up with remote-controlled blinds…whatever. But this particular commercial was a woman explaining to her mother (who seems to have managed to raise at least one kid successfully…) why these new blinds are absolutely essential – for safety, of course. You see, they don’t have cords kids can get tangled in. Reading between the lines, she’s not going to let her mother have the kids over until the mother installs these new blinds. Hearing a person lecture their own parent on ‘essentials’ for child safety always irritates me.

  7. James Pollock February 26, 2017 at 5:35 pm #

    ” Hearing a person lecture their own parent on ‘essentials’ for child safety always irritates me.”

    Why? Wouldn’t a person doing that be a person who’d know the relative merits of the child-rearing expertise in question?

    I mean, logically, the critic having survived into adulthood doesn’t actually prove anything about the child-safety knowledge of the parent. Maybe the OTHER parent did all the child-rearing. Maybe the OTHER sibling(s) didn’t survive the poor parenting.

  8. Puzzled February 26, 2017 at 6:10 pm #

    I think it is unlikely that the speaker’s father raised her, alone, and her sisters and brothers, whose upbringing was influenced by their mother, died in childhood, simply because they didn’t have remote-control drapery.

  9. theresa February 26, 2017 at 6:26 pm #

    First cps complains when the kids do go out now complain when they don’t. Somebody tell them to make up their minds!

  10. C. S. P. Schofield February 26, 2017 at 6:37 pm #

    Update: thousands of CPS agents in flyover country vanish. Nobody recalls seeing them. Backhoe rentals up.

  11. elizabeth February 26, 2017 at 6:47 pm #

    Thanks, rebel mom. As kids my brothers and i got kicked outside on nice days a lot. And we were raised to eat good food. I, personally, hate processed stuff.

  12. James Pollock February 26, 2017 at 7:20 pm #

    “I think it is unlikely that the speaker’s father raised her, alone, and her sisters and brothers, whose upbringing was influenced by their mother, died in childhood, simply because they didn’t have remote-control drapery.”

    You say it ALWAYS bothers you, not that it bothered you in this one isolated case.

  13. Buffy February 26, 2017 at 8:21 pm #

    @Carolyn, you know that The Onion is a satire site, right?

  14. Roger the Shrubber February 27, 2017 at 7:10 am #

    You know what ALWAYS bothers me? It’s James and his pointless, idiotic, contrarian drivel.

  15. Workshop February 27, 2017 at 9:43 am #

    The Onion is usually closer to the truth than the “legit” media.

    I’m pretty sure CPS will have a field day with me. “Suck it up, Buttercup” is one of my signature lines to my boys. That and “Stop whining like a [insert your least favorite political party here].”

  16. John B. February 27, 2017 at 12:17 pm #

    Years ago when my grand nephew was 12, he wanted his parents to get him a trampoline for the backyard. But they told him no, that they didn’t want a trampoline in their very small backyard and that it wasn’t in their budget. Well, he got so mad at his parents that he reported them to CPS and told CPS that his mom and dad were abusing him by denying him his right to exercise by refusing to purchase a trampoline.

    Needless to say EVERYBODY, including the CPS workers, got a good laugh out of that one!

  17. Beth March 6, 2017 at 9:36 am #

    Roger, PREACH!