If It Saves One Child by Shelly Stow 

Almost everyone today has some idea of what the sex offender registry is, and most feel it is a good thing. The registry was originally created as a way for  law enforcement (and only law enforcement) to help keep track of repeat, sexually violent child predators. But now it has the names of over 700,000 people on it whose “crimes” are as varied as consensual teen sex, taking and sending a photo of one’s own breasts, and rape. And even though experts and studies have denounced the list as ineffective, the battle cry of its supporters is still, “If it saves one child…!”

“If it saves one child….”

There is no evidence that the registry has done that at all. However, many, many thousands of children have had their lives made a living hell because of it. These are the children of parents on the registry. Some of those registered committed violent crimes, but many — even most —  did not. And yet, all the people on the registry and their families are subject to the whims of local and state laws, including severe restrictions on where they may live. They can also find themselves not allowed to enter libraries, parks or beaches with their children. Some states will bar the registered parent from even being within a 1000 feet of the school his child attends.

Recently a woman took the picture of a registrant that she printed from the Internet and brought it to the school where the registrant’s 5-year-old son was in kindergarten. She showed it around, warning children about this man. His little boy ended up in tears.

Vigilantes have murdered registrants, leaving their children fatherless. The false perception is that everyone on the registry has committed a serious crime and that most, if not all, molested children. So if they have children of their own who are harmed, so what? It’s just collateral damage because the registry might—MIGHT—”save one child.”

“If it saves one child….” Children themselves are registrants on sex offender registries. Nine years old is apparently the youngest age at which children have been put on the registry (in Delaware and Michigan). Several states register children as sexual criminals at ages 10 and 11. Registered 12-year-olds aren’t even rarities. And a 15-year-old who is the child victim for having consensual sex with an 18-year-old becomes a predator and registered sex offender when his or her partner is 14! In Wisconsin last year a district attorney did everything he could, and bragged about it, to have a 6-year-old prosecuted and targeted for sex offender registration for “playing doctor.” Some of these children find escape only in suicide. The registry didn’t save any of them; it destroyed them.

“If it saves one child….” Children do need saving. According to the Justice Dept. and the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children, many thousands are sexually abused and molested every year. But the registry is not the answer. Most children — about 95% — are abused and molested by their family members and acquaintances, by those they interact with. Keeping the focus on “strangers” on the registry turns us away from the bigger problem, even while taking away  the resources to deal with it.

“If it saves one child” isn’t good enough. Thousands — no, hundreds of thousands — need saving from the registry. When and how and with what will we save them? — Shelly

Not all dots = child rapists.

I understand the school’s desire to keep kids from actually hurting each other. But why not stop THAT instead of telling kids what they are and aren’t allowed to play? – L.

As always “the safety and well being of your child is our first and foremost concern.” NOT the exuberance and development of your child. Just the safety. – L.

P.S. Not even getting INTO the idea that the babysitter is sometimes a college guy and she’s 14…

Hey, Cherie!

This might sound like a crazy question, but at what age do you think a 14-year-old student should be allowed to stay home alone? I am an only child who is going into 10th grade (I turn 15 over the summer), and my parents are still married. I know that is a miracle, because at least 60 percent of my friends have divorced parents. One of my parents works outside the house at a regular job, and the other parent has a home business where she makes and sells crafts over the Internet. It is pretty successful and together they make good money.

So at least one of my parents is always home. And even though I am 14, if they do go out, they still get me a baby sitter. They say that it is similar to an insurance policy to have a college student at the house – no need for the student until there’s a huge demand, and then they will be glad he or she is there. For example, if I get really sick and must immediately go to the hospital. If my parents go to the city or to a play, they want someone at the house who has a car and is old enough to drive.

Cherie, I don’t want to do illegal stuff, but it is humiliating when the baby sitter comes and I am almost as tall as he is. Can you convince my parents to stop this stupidity? I am old enough to be home alone. - Home Alone

Hey, Home!

I owe you one. You gave me a great reminder why it’s important to have a baby sitter with a car when Jeff and I go out at night. We also have a teen who doesn’t drive, and now that I think about it, there are many reasons for him not to be home alone.

You have good parents when they realize that it is not an issue for you to be home by yourself until it becomes a big problem.

It is just better to have an adult who has a car as well as a little bit more of the good judgment that should come with experience. The chances of a catastrophic event occurring are small, but you never know. They are only covering their bases by having a baby sitter there for you, and I think it is smart.

Someday, you may be that baby sitter for someone else. I hope you don’t have to drive a child to the hospital, or call the parent to say the kid broke an arm; however, it could happen.

For now, set up some ground rules about the baby sitter leaving you pretty much alone, and I think you’ll be OK. Thoughtful letter. Thanks!

UPDATE: As some of you have pointed out, it is possible the 14 year old is boy, not a girl. Sorry for jumping to that conclusion. – L.

Advice columnist says no one should stay home alone till driving age!

Dear Free-Range Kids: “Cross my heart and hope to die/ Stick a needle in my eye,” has been changed. My kids know, “Cross my heart and hope to fly. Stick a cupcake in my eye.” – A Reader

I guess so many kids were sticking needles in their eyes, we simply HAD to change the rhyme. But really, what’s so disgusting about this change is that it assumes — once again — that while every previous generation could chant the old rhyme without becoming terrified, suicidal or eye-maiming, this generation is so  endangered, it needs to be protected from even the sing-song suggestion of harm. 

Sheesh. This is the same mentality that believes that when children point a pencil and go “Bang!” is is practically the same thing as kids shooting each other.  We are becoming so literal, I could throw up.

Wait!! I don’t really need that bag! – L

UPDATE: Commenters are noting that the new words come directly from My Little Pony, which to me just means that some TV exec didn’t think anyone could say, “Stick a needle in my eye” on a kiddie show, which is in itself a sign of the times. But at least it’s not what all kids are saying now. – L.

All eyes on cultural hysteria!

THE LOWEST MURDER RATE in OVER A CENTURY? 

Yes indeed. That’s not just lower than when WE were kids. That’s lower than when our grannies and even great-grandparents were kids, and I am pretty sure their parents didn’t make them wear GPS watches to track them every second. Nor did their parents nervously drive them to the bus stop, or forbid them to play on the front lawn unsupervised. Nor were the cops picking them up when the walked to town at age 7, or 11. And yet they were in MORE DANGER of being MURDERED than our kids are today. 

Note: The decline is not a result of helicopter parenting, as most murder victims are adults and we have not been helicoptering them. And we certainly weren’t helicoptering back in the ’40s and ’50s, when crime was also low. In other words: This is simply good crime news. Nevin believes it’s a result of lowering the amount of lead exposure, which has meant less brain-addling. I’ve heard other rationales, too, from more police to better drugs for treating the mental illnesses that can lead to criminality.

Whatever the cause(s), maybe this is a sign that we should start allowing out kids back out into the world, rather than “protecting” them from it. Or, as policy analyst Ben Miller of Common Good says: Maybe it’s “a sign that our priority should be promoting common sense, instead of letting fear of every conceivable risk take control of our laws and rules. While our communities grow safer, we keep thinking up new fears — and rules — that prevent us and our children from enjoying the benefits of our safety.”

Let’s not look this gift horse  in the mouth. For one thing: Ick. All those teeth and horse breath. But also: A gift is to be appreciated. And what a lovely one to give our kids. – L.

we have so called free rangers in our neighborhood. rude, inconsiderate, etc.-their parents do not have a clue where they are or how they act. neither do they care. maybe they got their lazy parenting ideas from your lovely book. hopefully none of your kids will wind up in the hands of predators-how sad that you excuse lazy parenting.

I wrote back explaining (through gritted fingers) that what he or she was describing was not Free-Range but negligence. That Free-Rangers believe in teaching our kids the basics they need to be safe, then gradually giving them more rope. And as for fearing predators, violent crime is down to the level it was before color TV. So our kids today are actually safer than we were.

Then frequent commenter Earth Lion came up with a great idea: “You know you’re a Free-Range Parent when…” Earth’s was this:

You know you’re a Free-Range Parent when you send you 12 year old daughter off to a sleepover despite not remembering the house number of our daughter’s friends house, and not feeling worried but had a good laugh about how if there was an emergency, we would have to go door knocking on every house in the street to see which house they lived in.

And now, let’s hear yours! Mine:”You know you’re a Free-Range Parent when you want everyone to take their kids to the park and leave them there tomorrow. – L

Dirt and Free-Range often go together.

PLAYING IN THE GRASS MAY BE THE KEY TO EASING ADHD SYMPTOMS

by Jennifer Chait

Amazing but true, a new study, published in the journal Applied Psychology: Health and Well-Being, shows that kids who regularly play in outdoor green spaces have milder Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) symptoms than those who play regularly indoors or in built outdoor environments. This study back up previous studies that show how kids majorly benefit from green spaces; i.e. spaces with plenty of grass and trees. For example, research posted by The Morton Arboretum shows that ADHD symptoms in children are relieved after contact with nature, asthma symptoms are reduced, and kids who play outdoors have less stress. Specifically, as related to ADHD, past research shows that kids experiencing ADHD can concentrate better, complete tasks better, and follow directions better after playing in a natural green space. Plus, the greener the setting, the more symptom relief.

READ MORE!

To calm down, kids need a hit of grass. (And trees. And flowers…)

After we wave goodbye, the kids will come up with something to do, as kids always have. And by the time they’re done  — half an hour, or even half a day later — chances are they’ll want to do it again. So Sunday becomes unofficial “Our kids are going to the park on their own day,”  as do  most days thereafter. Suddenly, the empty parks are full of kids again!

If you’ve got younger children, you can participate, too. Go to the nearest park and watch what your kids will be able to do in only a few years. Meantime, you’re sitting on the bench, creating the kind of community that reassures the parents leaving their older kids there.

“BUT TIMES HAVE CHANGED!” 

This simple, old-fashioned idea will, of course, seem radical to some. They will say they loved playing on their own when they were kids, but now it’s too dangerous. Please show them this just-released Pew study on gun violence that states: “Firearm homicide rates in the late 2000s were equal to those not seen since the early 1960s.”  That’s right — gun crime is down to the level it was BEFORE COLOR TV.

Meantime, diabetes and obesity — the twin scourges of sitting inside — are up. What’s more, it is SAFER for kids to play than not to play. Here are some studies to wave around, if any of your friends are skeptical:

Kids NEED “adult-free play in diverse environments,” says this book review in Psychology Today, noting that a “growing body of scientific evidence confirming a direct relationship between play, evolution and brain growth.” Kids get SMART BY PLAYING.

Is it dangerous? More kids go to hospital for falling out of bed than trees. Moreover: Girls who play in dirt are healthier.

And yet: 1 in 4 kids, ages 6 to 12, NEVER goes outside without a parent. The outdoors is treated like yard time at prison.

Fight the misplaced fear that has kept kids indoors or only in supervised programs. Go forth to Facebook and Twitter and the PTA to spread the word about Take Our Children to the Park… and Leave Them There Day! 

And tell us how it goes! –  L

At last!! Playing in the park just like mom and dad did!

None of the moms would.

One of them pantomimed for her to press a buzzer, which would alert the office, which would then officially allow her in. But — these were the other first grade moms! Some had been to my friend’s house! There is a difference between caution and obtuseness, between real safety and “following orders.” It’s a difference they chose to ignore.

Do they really think their children are in danger from a mom coming to tea?

If so, shouldn’t they hire an official taster? After all, what if one of the parents poisoned the scones? - L.  

Halt there, you sneaking, scheming enemy until proven otherwise!

Safety Second – 3 Risks Young Kids Need by Heather Shumaker

Sometimes it seems as if SAFETY has become a parent’s only job.  Stop running!  Be careful!  You’ll get wet! Put that stick down before someone gets hurt!

As caregivers, our job is to keep kids safe.  But it’s not our only job.  As the old saw goes, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” Risk is essential.

A “Safety First” mentality can freeze us. If safety is the only consideration, it can actually hurt our kids.  Kids need all kinds of risk to become competent human beings.  Here’s a sampling of the kinds of risks kids need.

Physical Risk

Kids become safer as they gain experience using their bodies. Say yes to tree climbing, wall walking and stick playing.  Show kids how to fall properly (rolling) and avoid real dangers (cliffs; busy streets).

• Drop ‘Be Careful’  - “Be careful!” is vague and alarmist.  Say nothing or offer specific information: “Look at your feet.”  “You’re near the edge.”  “Someone is behind you.”
• Don’t rescue  – Don’t lift kids out of a tree if they’re stuck.   Guide them instead: “Where could you put your foot next?”  Kids are partners in their own safety.
• Check in – Asking “Do you feel safe?” is a good reality check for kids.  It forces them to assess the situation (Gosh, no, I don’t feel safe) and fix it.

The Risk:  Yes, they could get hurt.  Mostly skinned knees.  Major harm is possible, but riding in a car is far riskier.

Social Risk

Risk pops up in friend making, too.  If we insist all kids play with each other (“you can’t say you can’t play), then we’re depriving kids of essential opportunities to practice social skills and navigate friendships.

• Allow friends to be together  It’s OK for a child to say “No, I don’t want to play right now.”  Kids have the right to choose their playmates. They also have the right to choose to be alone.
• Rejection isn’t evil   Kids don’t have to like everyone they meet (adults don’t).  They do have to learn how to treat everyone respectfully. Rejection is not necessarily mean – in fact, it can be a great teacher of social skills.
• Rejection brings resilience  Experiencing a bit of rejection helps kids realize it’s not the end of the world if someone says ‘no.’  They can recover and go on.

The Risk: Yes, they could get their feelings hurt – and learn resilience and empathy.

Creative Risk

Risk comes through ideas, too.  Whether it’s dramatic make-believe games, art or stories, kids need time and support for creative ideas.

• Art without models -  Ever see a line of identical pumpkin faces tacked up on the classroom wall?  No art or creativity there.  That’s practice with scissors and glue.  Go ahead and demonstrate techniques, but let kids express their own ideas.
• Seek basic toys  – The best toys serve multiple purposes.  Think blankets, hats, capes, sticks, cardboard, play dough.  Many toys sold in stores are “single-purpose” and can limit creative play.
• Unstructure the day  - Ideas need space and time.  So do kids!  Free up the day.

 The Risk: Yes, they might make a mistake.

So safety, yes, but keep safety in perspective.  Risk and safety are both parts of being alive. – H.S.

Choose me!