Weapons of (Christ)mas Destruction

Hi Readers! So many folks sent in this story today, I present it to you in all its insanity, even though it struck me as a little too bizarre and garbled to be 100% accurate. For instance, the crazy accusations were reported to the press only by one of the accused. Ho ho hmm.

Still, Christmas is a time for stories so — enjoy. But first, keep your children safe! Lock up the candy canes!   L.

, ,

34 Responses to Weapons of (Christ)mas Destruction

  1. Cyndi December 23, 2010 at 8:53 am #

    “suicide rates are up” “keep the cheer to themselves”

    What if the boys handing out the candy canes had given it to another child who was feeling suicidal and unnoticed and with a simple gesture and “Happy Christmas” made them rethink it?

    Poor poor kids!

    *runs off to buy some candy canes to hand out on the street!*

  2. Sky December 23, 2010 at 8:56 am #

    Just don’t chuck them hard at people from a distance in the middle of school by the handful.

  3. mollie December 23, 2010 at 9:02 am #

    I wasn’t able to join in your fun on the Parent Dish site, so I’m posting here.

    To the tune of “A Christmas Song”:

    Brain cells roasting from that iPhone Four
    Jacked-up, sugar-coated high
    Yuletide nightmare of indulgence and greed
    With little thought or wonder why

    Everybody knows
    The purpose of this holiday:
    For stores to make the season’s jing
    Tiny tots have their long lists of wants
    Inspired by the media’s bling

    They know that Santa’s on his way
    He’s loaded lots of plastic gadgets on his sleigh
    And every mother’s child is gonna cry
    When all those gadgets self-destruct before their eyes

    And so, I’m offering this simple thought
    To folks who buy what kids don’t need
    Although it’s been said many times, many ways
    Save your money
    Save your money
    Save your money…indeed.

  4. K December 23, 2010 at 9:43 am #

    Oh, come on, it’s April Fool’s… what, oh, nevermind.

  5. lisa currie December 23, 2010 at 9:51 am #

    Oh, crikey. Perhaps they need to only sell gummy candy canes so we can’t possibly hurt one another with them.

    And just to reinforce another misperception, the last line about suicide rates being up over Christmas…not true. I believe rates are higher in the spring. It’s an old myth reinforced by movies like “It’s a Wonderful Life”.

  6. gramomster December 23, 2010 at 10:03 am #

    And, if they are up over Christmas, maybe it’s because people DO keep their cheer to themselves! All that crazy shopping and maxing out and elbowing through last minute crowds can really dampen the ol’ cheer component.
    I made all the kids in my life t-shirts of the state they live in, and home-made glitter playdough. The adults got stuff I canned this fall.
    effffff the mall. Seriously. Ugh.

    On a more related note… hell yeah those things can get sharp! I’ve poked myself on more than one occasion hard enough to bleed. But trust me, that has in no way dampened my enjoyment of the little canes. Or the big ones. Seriously?! Those things, if sucked to a point, could pierce your heart.

    LOVE the song…

  7. Andy December 23, 2010 at 10:08 am #

    I don’t know … I just don’t believe any of it.

  8. Gwen December 23, 2010 at 10:13 am #

    Personally, I used to love sucking them to a sharp point, at which point I would write words in the air with them. It was a little bit of magic. I never realized that was potentially sociopathic behaviour. 😛

  9. AussieMum December 23, 2010 at 10:17 am #

    LOL at Gwen. Lisa, I worked in a country hospital at Christmas and suicide attempts were way up there. Five in one small country town.

  10. kimelah December 23, 2010 at 10:46 am #

    When I was eight (or so) I was sucking on one of those flat-ish suckers while at school during recess. I kept it in my mouth and just sucked, and sucked. Well, as I was turning a corner a kid runs into me and SLAMS that sucker further into my mouth. What I didn’t know was that I’d sucked that flat sucker to a knife edge and it slid nicely into my tongue. He apologizes quickly and continued running along. When I moved my tongue the sucker moved. I pulled it out (creepy feeling!) and threw it away.
    I still have my tongue and full use of it, but I did learn NOT to suck any suckers to any point after that.
    See? Life teaches and the student damn well learns. No need for pesky humans to interfere.

  11. beth December 23, 2010 at 10:48 am #

    “They said the candy canes are weapons because you can sharpen them with your mouth and stab people with them.”

    That is one of the funniest things I’ve read in a while. LOL!

  12. AB December 23, 2010 at 12:26 pm #

    “They said the candy canes are weapons because you can sharpen them with your mouth and stab people with them.”

    Any food can be used as a weapon, so why don’t they ban all food from school! Once on a tv show someone got bludgeoned to death with a salami, so will salami be banned next?

  13. Patti Jo December 23, 2010 at 12:59 pm #

    My children grip, aim, and point their candy canes as if they are guns. If only they knew they could be sharpened into knives too. :)

  14. AussieMum December 23, 2010 at 1:48 pm #

    Tea towels are deadly weapons in my household with two teenage boys. Spin it around and wet the end and you have a perfect whip. But to make it more interesting I tell them to take their shirts off as well. Makes a great video.

  15. Marie December 23, 2010 at 2:23 pm #

    That’s the problem. We have too many dangerous weapons in this world. First pencils, now candy canes.

  16. This girl loves to talk December 23, 2010 at 3:42 pm #

    ha ha ha I just blogged recently about my pledge never to give candy canes to a child!! Every child gives them with a card at the end of school year and then I have 60 of things half sucked around my house.

    the ones that drive me the most bonkers are half sucked ones left in the fridge for ‘later’ they melt and go all gross ( I live in Australia so its hot here at christmas so any left hidden around the house turn into a sticky mess)

    anyways it was a bit of joke. Yes my kids do have candy canes, but Yes I do throw most of them away. And yes my kids make gifts (cinnamon ornaments or glitter playdough to give their classmates instead of candy canes.)

    but weapons? I dont think so….

  17. sue December 23, 2010 at 3:42 pm #

    Quoting Marie, “That’s the problem. We have too many dangerous weapons in this world. First pencils, now candy canes.”

    I think that fingers are the deadliest weapons of all. When I was in school, I got poked in the eye with a classmate’s (or my own) finger more than with a pencil or sharpened candy cane. Maybe US schools should require kids to either wear mittens to class or simply have them amputate their fingers.

  18. benirleciel December 23, 2010 at 4:53 pm #

    I share Lenore’s initial doubt here. “A US high school”? I call bull. They don’t even have a “no comment” from the high school administration.

  19. Sean December 23, 2010 at 7:37 pm #

    I’m curious. Technically, is there ANYTHING that could not be used as a weapon? Cotton balls? Crayons? Anything?

    Ohhhh, Wikileaks Task Force?

  20. Laura V. December 23, 2010 at 9:11 pm #

    i blame george bush.

  21. katorikurant December 23, 2010 at 10:42 pm #

    Actually, the idea of candy canes being weapons of murder is pretty common. My own high school “considered” banning them for that very reason, especially since the kids from the “horrible alternative school” (in reality, that place was awesome. I wish I could have gone there instead…) were giving them out.

    Everyone knows that if you go to the alternative school, you’re a bad kid (and it has nothing whatsoever to do with better opportunities to learn….).

    Its completely plausible that a High School would ban candy canes, and then not own up to it in order to not get mud slinged at them for being so stupid.

    Like I said, my high school did the same.

  22. pentamom December 23, 2010 at 11:01 pm #

    “They said the candy canes are weapons because you can sharpen them with your mouth and stab people with them.”

    And so, in a fit of rage, Joey Delinquent patiently sucks the end of his candy cane for five minutes, pulling it in and out occasionally to check the point, and finally lunges violently at Norman Nerd, who has quietly been waiting around for Joey to finish sucking.

    Oh, you think Joey would have premeditated it, having pre-sucked the striped treat during algebra class? That would have been fine, until he broke the thing while pulling it out of his pocket for the attack.

    These are CANDY CANES, people! They are made of SUGAR! They BREAK with slight pressure!

    This has to be the most ridiculous thing ever — except that I say that about once a week around here.

    But it could be a seasonal hoax, too.

  23. OMGTheDeath December 23, 2010 at 11:31 pm #

    Not quite a weapon, but they’re certainly dangerous 😉


    (background for those not familiar with the comic: the squirrel is a genetically engineered idiot savant who was part of an organic computer and has been adopted by ‘our heros’. She has moments of amazing brilliance but is mostly true to her squirrelly heritage, The cat is just your regular, run of the mill catgirl)

  24. J December 23, 2010 at 11:49 pm #

    I believe it. It sounds like something that the assistant principal at my son’s school would say. Any excuse to take away some kids’ fun and turn them all into a Scrooge!

  25. Brooke December 23, 2010 at 11:56 pm #

    “Damn it, I don’t want a candy cane. Can’t you see I’m suicidal?!?!”

  26. Cheryl W December 24, 2010 at 12:20 am #

    Kids! Having fun! Harold and George must be at the bottom of this! Throw them in invention convention detention suspension before I get turned into Captain Underpants again and the Talking Toilets attack!

  27. Ash December 24, 2010 at 3:25 am #

    With such depressing standards, no wonder there are suicides and attacks

  28. Jules December 24, 2010 at 4:53 am #

    Great googly-moogly…

    “not everyone wants Christmas cheer, that suicide rates are up over Christmas and that they should keep their cheer to themselves”

    Maybe people are committing suicide because they can see what the world is coming to. Perhaps we should be spreading cheer (giving gifts, as small as candy canes), to, I don’t know, DETER people from wanting to kill themselves? The suicide rate is up because all people see is grumpy faces and frazzled shoppers! I think a little CHEER (look up the definition!) would help!

  29. EricS December 24, 2010 at 5:41 am #

    He has to be related to Ebaneezer Scrooge. No one can be THAT ignorant. I mean, pencils, plastic forks, rulers are one thing (still ridiculous though). But candy canes?! Really?! I would certainly fear for my kids knowing there is a principle with a screw loose running the school. If I were the parents, I’d file a complaint against him. He obviously doesn’t care about xmas cheer. So why give him any.

  30. EricS December 24, 2010 at 5:43 am #

    Actually, if I were the kids, I’d get ALL the students in the school to send that principle one candy cane in a sealed clear container, with the sign “lick in case of emergency”. What’s he going to do? Suspend every single kid or put them in detention for giving him a candy cane? lol The school board would have a field day with him. Psychiatric evaluation anyone? lol

  31. Christy Ford December 24, 2010 at 6:28 am #

    Another reason why my future children will be home-schooled.

    None of this insanity for them!

  32. Gary December 25, 2010 at 2:15 am #

    Suicide rates ARE up. But it is because blood sugar rates are DOWN. Suck a candy cane, raise your blood sugar.

  33. Dean Whinery December 25, 2010 at 3:39 am #

    Ooooh. No gummy canes either. Choking hazard.
    No dangerous things in the cafeteria, like forks and food; a fork can be used as a catapult in a food fight, you know.
    Caution: Living can lead to death.

  34. Ruth December 26, 2010 at 4:57 am #

    I was discussing this story with my dad, and he heard that the school was actually trying to keep this group of kids from celebrating Christmas instead of a non-denominational holiday season. Not sure if this has any merit, as he told me all the kids involved got the idea from a Glenn Beck book…