Students at “Pastry Gun” School Offered Counseling

Ach! You haf zee streudel nightmares too? My 17th patient today! 

 Folks — You’ll recall the case from a few days ago when a boy was suspended from school for the crime of biting what sounds like a Pop-Tart into the shape of a gun. (Supposedly he was just trying to bite it into”the shape of a mountain,” but, sure — whatever, kid. Just tell it to the judge.) Well now the school seems to be offering its students counseling.

What a relief!  I’d worried the kids would be left to struggle with PPTTSD (Post-Pop-Tart-Traumatic-Stress-Disorder) on their own, perhaps driven to guzzle milk or self-medicate with off-brand toaster pastries.

Thank goodness the school administration, which already demonstrated such clear-thinking when it comes to threats, recognized this one, too. As the site Lowering The Bar reports, this letter was supposedly sent home  for real:


Dear Parents and Guardians:

I am writing to let you know about an incident that occurred this morning in one of our classrooms and encourage you to discuss this matter with your child in a manner you deem most appropriate.

During breakfast this morning, one of our students used food to make inappropriate gestures that disrupted the class. While no physical threats were made and no one [was] harmed, the student had to be removed from the classroom.

* * *

As you are aware, the … Code of Student Conduct and appropriate consequences related to violations of the code are clearly spelled out in the Student Handbook, which was sent home during the first week of school and can be found on our website,….

If your children express that they are troubled by today’s incident, please talk with them and help them share their feelings. Our school counselor is available to meet with any students who have the need to do so next week. In general, please remind them of the importance of making good choices.

Ah, but what about those of us who need counseling to deal with the fact that anyone thinks there is the need for counseling?

Never mind. I’m off to eat my gun.  - L.


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