We keep gently reminding (okay, sometimes hectoring) parents to step back to allow kids to step up. But what if a kid doesn’t WANT to step up…or even get off the couch? Here’s a note from a reader:
Advice Needed!
Dear Let Grow:
My son loves his independence. His older sister, not so much. In Grade 4, she still holds my hand while walking to the school bus and is very upset that I have determined that they will walk the last two blocks on their own. Daily, she begs me to walk all the way.
I know that she is capable and competent. If she were to get locked out of the house, she is sufficiently resourceful to handle the situation. But she almost never goes outside without me unless I essentially physically propel her out the door. At which point, she invariably picks a fight with her brother in the hope that I will be forced to come outside to intervene.
She has a grandmother who is happy to feed into this. (She once told my kids not to play in the public space behind our yard because bad people would steal them.)
I want my daughter to be more willing to let go of my coattails, but I also don’t want to force her to the point of harming her and being disrespectful to her needs.
So, what to do? How do we encourage our not-so-independent kids to get out there?
Betwixt-and-Between Mom
Three pieces of advice for this mom! (One bad)
Dear B&B Mom:
Three ideas come to mind, one of which won’t work. That’s: Ask grandma to stop scaring the kids. Of course, Grandma won’t, because she wants to keep her beloved grandkids safe and thinks what she’s doing helps. This means you shouldn’t bother asking or showing her these reassuring crime statistics. Or even pointing to this amazing study that found the more you tell kids the world is a cruel place, the worse their lives will be in the long run. Anyway, nix all that.
Idea #2
But the second idea is one you mentioned in passing: “If she were to get locked out of the house, she is sufficiently resourceful to handle the situation.”
Not that you should deliberately lock her out! No — you didn’t hear that from us!!! But if you’d like your daughter to discover for herself how competent she is, why not ask her help when you “desperately” need it?
For instance, guests are coming for dinner, and you don’t have any napkins! Ask her to please help you out and run to the store, if one is near. Or please run to the neighbor’s and get some, Or tell her you need something for work. Or you need some aspirin. Some grown-up thing she can help you with.
Kids, like the rest of us, love to feel needed. That desire will probably rise above the fear. And from what I’ve seen, once kids get a taste of being “adult” and competent, they want more of it. And on the flip side, once parents see how safe and competent their kids really are, they are ready to loosen the reins.
Idea #3
If possible, see if your child’s teacher or school might want to do our (free!) independence-building Let Grow Experience. It’s a homework assignment that asks kids to go home and do something new on their own. We have heard countless stories of kids discovering the excitement of being part of the world. Here’s one. Here’s another. If these stories excite you, consider getting other parents to join you and ask your school to assign The Experience.
That being said, I also wouldn’t stress too much about your daughter’s reluctance to go outside on her own. Things often resolve themselves in the fullness of time.