Lenore, Do You Not CARE About Kids and Phones?

“Lenore, did you say you don’t CARE about kids and phones?”

That’s what a child psychologist just emailed me.

MY RESPONSE: It’s NOT that I don’t care about phones. It’s that this is how kids are growing up (from an article I just read):

Last week, my grandson asked permission to walk to the store 3 blocks away. His mother checked the GPS tracker on his phone, reminded him about stranger danger, and set a 20-minute timer for his return.”

That childhood would depress ANYONE. Being treated like a Brinks delivery: tracked, timed, watched, warned, distrusted. Not to mention underestimated, pumped full of fear, and given less freedom than a dog in a dog run. By the people who love him (and presumably KNOW him) the best!

When that is all the autonomy you are allowed, it should not surprise anyone that you’d DIVE INTO YOUR PHONE where you can meet up with friends, chat, play, go on adventures and exercise your curiosity. It is an alternative universe to the one that is right outside your door but OFF LIMITS to you. Sure, there are no smells, no tastes, no textures online. No sun on your face. But at least it’s a place where you get to be YOU, following your interests. FINDING your interests! Flirting, joking, hanging with friends.

If we want to see kids’ mental health improve, we have to focus at LEAST as much on this HARDER half of the equation. It’s not just that PHONES are “experience blockers.” It’s that WE are experience blockers! And it’s not because we are horrible helicopter parents, but because our CULTURE has convinced us that kids need constant supervision, assistance and “teaching” (from soccer to Kumon) or else they are in danger of being hurt or falling behind, and WE are in danger of being seen as bad parents.

That’s why my goal is to reframe independence as a GIFT we can give our kids. And when we give them that, it replaces the FEAR LOOP (What could go wrong/OMG so much! / Will I regret it for the rest of my life?/Yes!/ So why let go? It’s too terrifying!/ I WON’T) with the TRUST LOOP (I let them go and — wow! Look how competent!/ How proud I am! / How proud they are!/ What am I going to let them do next?/ LOOK AT MY KID!!!).

So it’s NOT that phones are good for kids. I don’t think they are. They sap their sleep. They eat their days. But my point is this:

It is really easy to hate phones.

It is really hard to open the door. 

For a generation we’ve been taught that the real world is too much for kids — too dangerous or overwhelming. But it’s not. It’s thrilling and fulfilling and that’s what we must give them back.

And the only way for that to happen is through ACTION: Actually letting our kids do something ON THEIR OWN and getting flooded with the fear, at first, yes. And then the pride and exhilaration of “LOOK AT MY KID!” that allows us to do it again…and again…and again. 

L

PS: For the record, that is the goal of The Let Grow Experience, our (FREE) program for schools. There’s a home version, too, also free. Both make it easier for parents to give their kids a little more independence, so both generations can reap the REAL WORLD rewards.