do parents get the idea that if they aren’t playing with their kids, they’re not doing their job?
Dear Free-Range Kids: Have you seen the new care.com commercial? It has a little girl with a soccer ball sitting inside at a table where her parents clean. Kid goes on to say how Saturdays are for fun, and as a kid she has a right to fun and “cutely” says she is calling a lawyer. Of course the solution is to hire a housekeeper so that mom and dad can finally take kid outside and entertain her..It just really annoys me that kids and parents today are being told that kids deserve to be entertained by mom or dad at all times and you are somehow not a good parent if you spend a Saturday cleaning instead of playing with your kid. I know it was a privilege if on a Saturday, after getting up on my own and quietly watching TV while eating dry cereal until mom got up sometime after 8 (meaning about 2 hours unsupervised while doing dangerous things like eating and bothering my brother GASP!) if we got to go outside, unsupervised, to play instead of having to help clean our house..I guess I’m continuing the pattern of neglect because I tucked my daughter into bed on Friday night with, “Goodnight, I love you, and don’t even think about waking me up until at least 8 am! If you wake up early play in your room or watch TV, cereal and fruit is on the counter!”The commercial actually reflects a growing reality: parents are spending more and more time tending to their kids. A 2010 article in the New York Times reported that:…the amount of child care time spent by parents at all income levels — and especially those with a college education — has risen “dramatically†since the mid-1990s.…
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Before 1995, mothers spent an average of about 12 hours a week attending to the needs of their children. By 2007, that number had risen to 21.2 hours a week for college-educated women and 15.9 hours for those with less education.
College-educated dads, too, are spending more than double the pre-1995 amount of 4.5 hours a week, an other men are up to 6.8 hours from 3.7, earlier.
Conclusion? Kids and parents are spending more time together, for any number of reasons. But when kids come to believe they can’t go outside and play without a parent watching — or participating — they are being cheated out of something fundamental:
Unsupervised play time. – L
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Actually, it’s not so cute to demand all your parents’ time and attention.
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Ohh… I’m having a curmudgeonly morning and so that awful commercial is grinding my gears more than usual.
But the thing that bothers me most is not the kid’s entitled attitude toward her parents’ time. I mean, if the kid really wanted parent time, she could pitch in and help clean. Group labor, especially if you put some good music on, can be really fun. Just ask Habitat for Humanity.
But no. The kid insists on asking, “Am I cute?” Maybe I’m reading too much into it, but the girl is maybe five years old and is already learning that her physical appearance is what should matter most. Not, “Let’s plant flowers together, Mom!” Not, “Let’s play catch, Dad!” No. It’s “I’m cute, and that’s why you should spend time with me doing what I want.”
This would never fly if it were a boy in the commercial.
And this is the perfect time for the parents to teach the girl that, in the long run, being an interesting and useful human being will pay far greater dividends than being cute. Here’s some windex, kid. Don’t get it in your eyes.
Maybe it’d be better if the commercial showed the PARENTS complaining that they wanted to go beaching/camping/on some other family outing, but had too much to do around the house, and then show the same little girl happy and grateful about going on the family outing after the Care.Com housekeeper arrives. I think that that would be much cuter than having her ask, “Am I cute?” After all, there’s a place in a child’s life for independent play AND for family outings and activities, and a lot of kids don’t get enough of either. I mean, for a lot of families, weekends mean shuttling Kid #1 to a sports tournament or dance competition, dropping Kid #2 off at a Brownie camp-out, and somehow finding time to accompany Kid #3 to a birthday party at Build-An-Overpriced-Stuffed-Monstrosity. None of these activities are independent, but they aren’t really “family” activities either. So, structured activities eat into family time as well as independent kid time, and there’s nothing wrong with trying to reclaim both.
teacher jr I loved your comment. when I was growing up Saturdays were for cleaning[all of us] and nothing else was considered until chores were done. my mom’s reasoning was that we helped make the mess we were responsible for helping clean it up and as we had homework during the week Saturday it was. children now adays don’t learn a work ethic and that helping a home isn’t child abuse, it’s the way life works. too many people[esp cps workers] are of the opinion that chores are not for children’s growth and sense of responsibility but are a sign of a lazy parent who selfishly expects kids to work their poor little fingers to the bone. and then they wonder why far too many kids grow up expecting everything to be done for them and have now no clue to handle job duties[such as showing up on time, staying off your phone, completing projects and staying til the end of your shift].
@TeacherJR Well, if you want rational, effective and super civil solution to the situation as you described, five years old might just be too soon. If your biggest problem with 5 years old is that she asks “am I cute” instead of “can I do the dishes” when she is bored or frustrated, then the kid is super well raised and quite mature.
I had 2-5 years old actively helping me on cleaning and such, but the fact is that most of the work is done faster without their help.
But anyway, sadly, “being pretty is most important” is something actively pushed on girls pretty much from the moment they walk by some people. Two years old pretty much get that expectation, through they are not clear on what exactly counts as pretty. Five years old (unless a bit on a spectrum or something like that) already get that societal expectation.
Old enough to think that way and articulate it….then damn well old enough to get of your entitled butt and help.
You know what’s cute?
Giving this kid a rag so she can chip in and get bothersome chores done faster and better manipulate her parents for their attention.
For the love of all things holy, teach this dimpled young lady the *art* of cleaning a toilet, wiping a floorboard, or giving up on the task after 5 minutes and playing quietly until her parents finish up.
I hate this assumption that we must provide a Ringling Brothers Family Circus of attention to raising our kids and if not, we have to outsource to a service. Strangers! They are hiring their babysitter ONLINE though they promise background checks.
I’ve disliked all of the Care.com commercials for some time, mainly because they compete with the local neighborhood babysitters (like my daughter!), My personal loathing is this one:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJhiqy1GBWE&index=6&list=PL205F35F522E53CEA
Because we need to hire drivers now for after school activities! The school age child needs a driver to take them to scuba lessons and entertain them every blessed hour of the day.
No thanks.
My kids are perfectly fine getting their homework done and entertaining themselves for free.
I might even leave a list of chores to do (does anyone’s kids do chores out there? Anyone? Anyone?!)
I think a huge reason we parents spend more time entertaining and playing with our kids is the fact that they’re no longer able, for the most part in this country, to just pop outside and immediately join the other neighborhood kids in play. I feel a lot of pressure to play with my singleton son. If he’s not in school or at a baseball game or at a play date (that I arranged at least two weeks in advance and only happens about twice per month due to everyone’s busy schedules) he’s stuck with me or playing by himself. It sucks. I’d love to just set him loose outside to find other kids to play with but we all know the reasons for not doing that.
I have a cleaning service. The last thing I want to do on my days off is heavy cleaning. I would rather spend that time as a family whether it is my alone time or time doing things with them. If you can afford it – it is the best thing for my personal mental health.
The commercial is silly – I think one showing you having fun with the family because the house is clean and you have FREE time!!!! I guarantee you that in my house mom and dad would not be the only ones scrubbing that kitchen over the weekend. We would all be working.
@TRS –
I hear you. When I did yard work and cleanup for part of my living, the last thing I wanted to do was my OWN yard work.
But this ad doesn’t show a tired cleaning person wishing for more time with his/her family. If it did, it might be more effective. Instead, it shows a bratty, entitled kid who has already learned how to use her ‘cute widdle dimples’ to manipulate her parents and the viewers.
Kid needs a swift kick in her special-snowflake posterior and a reality check.
“Instead, it shows a bratty, entitled kid who has already learned how to use her ‘cute widdle dimples’ to manipulate her parents and the viewers.”
Yes, TeacherJR! This type of manipulation is what bothered me most.”If they really loved me…
I also dislike how the commercials show kids shopping the profiles of the sitters for that perfect white female babysitter!
Because profiles are always true and accurate…
Also, it looks like this bored little girl is doing a workbook. That DOES kind of stink and could lead to the attention-seeking behavior/parental manipulation exhibited here. Maybe some art supplies and creative pursuits would encourage play more?
While I agree that this child’s behaviour wasn’t stellar, I also don’t love the mentality that every time a child exhibits childish behaviour, he or she is a “brat.” Also, what we saw in this commercial would be the equivalent of a soliloquy, or an internal monologue, in theatre. So, the audience could hear what this little girl was saying, but the other characters in the scene (i.e., her parents in the commercial) couldn’t hear her–all they saw was the little girl quietly doing her workbook (which might have been for school) while they cleaned. Even adults have similar moments of impatience–in traffic, in line at the grocery store/coffee shop/bank/post office/whatever, or sometimes even with their children. We don’t condemn adults every time they have a thought that’s less than altruistic, so I think kids should get even more slack, even if they do express these less desirable sentiments. There’s absolutely a middle option between “Give the brat a swift kick in the posterior,” and “Adults do all the work while Kiddo does nothing,” and that’s, “Hey, Kiddo, we can go to the park when the kitchen is clean. You can help by loading the dishwasher,” or whatever it is that needs to be done, that she can reasonably do. Then, when it’s done, even if it takes longer than it would have otherwise, you play up how, since the whole family cleaned up together, now there’s time for fun. You don’t condemn a child who’s still figuring out the world, for not magically knowing that everyone needs to help, and for not inherently being able to clean as well and as efficiently as an adult.
Also, I think a child wanting to spend time with her parents (after they’ve been at work all week, and she’s been in school and various extra-curricular activities) is less bratty than a child, say, screaming for cookies or sugary cereal or a Frozen doll, and I think condemning THAT is another symptom of “wanting it both ways.” If kids aren’t allowed to play outside alone, then of course it’s going to bother a naturally extroverted child that her parents are physically there in the room with her, but apparently ignoring her. I guess what I’m saying here is, children aren’t miniature adults, and they need to be helped and guided towards maturity; not berated and shamed.
Maybe she asks her parents to play with her because she is so annoying other kids won’t.
I’m starting to understand why some of you advocate a “Free Range” lifestyle – it’s because you really can’t stand kids and you don’t want to have to be around them – yours or anyone else’s. Really, people, “entitled”? “Brat”? Honestly, it’s just the nature of kids that they say “I’m bored” (or something equivalent) before they think of saying “can I help so this will go faster”? (And, as noted, with a five-year-old “helping” clean, it really doesn’t go faster.) You people claim you want kids to allowed to be kids, but when you find examples of kids actually being kids, you get your briefs in a bunch.
So in order to free up time to spend with their children – they have to pay another woman to walk away from her own kids.
Hypocrisy much?
>>Maybe she asks her parents to play with her because she is so annoying other kids won’t.<<
No, I think the problem is that she and the other kids aren't allowed to play freely in the neighbourhood, and they live in a suburb that's designed for cars rather than pedestrians anyway, so kids spend their lives being either kept inside, or chauffeured from one supervised activity to another. Kids don't often get to choose who they want to play with anymore.
@Dienne, I disagree that asking “Am I cute?” is the same as saying “I’m bored.” Not even close. But you’re so right, I hated my kids because I did have to get the dang housework done on occasion, and expected them to play by themselves. Call CPS.
@Emily –
Yes, I was being hyperbolic. I warned you guys on my initial post that I was having an especially curmudgeonly day. <>
I agree that expressing profound boredom, especially when doing a math workbook on a Saturday morning, is certainly within the bounds of normal kid behavior. I also understand that this was meant to ‘break the 4th wall’ between the characters and the audience.
Either way though, her monologue gives us an insight into her character, and I think her character is deficient in ways that cannot be excused as simply being developmentally appropriate selfishness for a child her age. “I’m bored; I wish you would stop cleaning and pay attention to me” is one thing; “I’m cute, so you *should* stop cleaning and pay attention to me” is quite another.
And that’s the part that’s most troublesome. It’s not her boredom, but the fact that at the tender age of 5-ish, she knows how to use her physical attributes to manipulate the adults in her life. “I’m cute; pay attention to me” might barely be forgivable at age 5, especially if the adults in her life regularly give her recognition and praise for her appearance over her achievements, but will become far less endearing (and potentially cause huge amounts of trouble) as the girl gets older.
Dienne
When I as a child or when my kids said I’m bored when parents were doing housework guess what happened? I and later my kids were given jobs that I had on my housework list.
You keep trying to slander and insult free range parents but you just come of as a self righteous witch.
Here’s what I’m talking about. Promoting style over substance by encouraging little girls to be “cute” doesn’t really do them any favors.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html
A five year old might not be able to think it out — logically, yes, but maturity-wise, not necessarily — that if she wants her parents’ time, she should help.
But the commercial presenting hiring help as the solution is annoying, because the rational solution is for the parents to say, “If you help do (list of simple tasks) we can get done sooner and go play.”
Obviously that’s not what they’re trying to sell, but a kid sitting and pouting and watching her parents work without the parents responding that in that case she should help, is insulting to parents’ intelligence.
@TeacherJR “And that’s the part that’s most troublesome. It’s not her boredom, but the fact that at the tender age of 5-ish, she knows how to use her physical attributes to manipulate the adults in her life. ”
Oh please, trying to manipulate adults with whatever works is normal child behavior since age of 12 months. Literally, through 12 months old do that by fake crying.They get more and more sophisticated each ear and stuff like “am I cute” is pretty much normal attempt already at age 3. Still pretty much normal at 5. Both boys and girls by the way.
It does not mean adults should cave to it or support it. Absolutely not, but it happens with many kids regardless. If that bothers you, I question how many 2-5 years old you know.
“might barely be forgivable at age 5, especially if the adults in her life regularly give her recognition and praise for her appearance over her achievements,”
Well, if that is the case I would call the kid innocent. Kids tend to do what adults praise in them.
“but will become far less endearing (and potentially cause huge amounts of trouble) as the girl gets older.”
Or maybe not. Or maybe she is going to be one of those politically skilled people who say right thing at the right time to achieve needs to be done and will use it for good. Or maybe she will use it to make people around her feel better. If you don’t have a bit of people skill like that, you are unlikely to ever be successful entrepreneur, sales, public relations or anything that is not nerdy programmer.
This make as much sense as worrying the boy will grow up to be violent because he got into physical fight at the age of 5 over toy. Yeah, if he is running around with gang at age of 17 then it is problem, but chances are the fight at 5 years old is really not a precursor to that.
“Either way though, her monologue gives us an insight into her character, and I think her character is deficient in ways that cannot be excused as simply being developmentally appropriate selfishness for a child her age.”
That is absurd. Expecting anyone, whether child or adult, to be completely selfless inside is over the top. It is normal for people to want things they cant have. It is perfectly healthy to work out those emotions inside, think about them and then occasionally try to take action. Plenty of my adults colleagues or friends had selfish moment and they are not scary evil people, they are just normal humans with moments of imperfection. Sometimes they admit they have been wrong in hindside, sometimes not.
But sure as hell I don’t keep them to standard you keep imaginary 5 years old from an ad. I would be pretty lonely if I would expect that level of perfection all the time.
“(And, as noted, with a five-year-old “helping†clean, it really doesn’t go faster.) ”
If you try to get your five year old to scrub the floor or do the windows, you’re right. (Although you’re going to have to teach her to do it, sooner or later, efficient or not.)
If you get her to pick up her own toys, take the dishes out of the dishwasher that she’s able to put away properly, make her own bed, and make sure everything that belongs to her is put away from the common areas of the house, that’s at least a few minutes that you don’t have to spend yourself, regardless of how long it takes her to do it while you’re scrubbing the floor and doing the windows.
My kids learned early that “I’m bored” gets them a list of chores that need doing. Suddenly, they always find something to do on their own. Now that they’re teenagers, they definitely don’t help as much as I would like. But I don’t do their laundry, at all, so if they want clean clothes, it is up to them. And if I wear myself out doing yard work while they sit around, then they don’t get to ask “What’s for dinner?” because the answer will be “Whatever you heat up in the microwave – I’m not cooking”. I can have guacamole and chips for dinner and be very happy, so if you don’t feel like helping, I don’t feel like putting in any effort either. If they want a ride to the store or some other favor, they can either help me finish what I need to finish, or walk, or wait until I am done.
Now, I do have a cleaning person come once every two weeks. This is because I share 1 bathroom with 3 guys, and I treat myself by having someone else sandblast the filth off periodically. This also forces the guys to find the floors in their rooms twice a month. But I have a cleaning person so that I can occasionally sleep after working 50-60 hour weeks, not so I can entertain my children.
That’s a mantra we’ve been repeating when our kids whine about helping out – if you help, it goes faster, and we have time to play with you.
It also makes me think of the day I asked my dad why we didn’t get a dishwasher, and he looked at me deadpan and said “We have five”.
I think there’s nothing sadder than a kid so accustomed to adults playing with them (and guiding the play – because that’s what inevitably happens) that they don’t know how to have fun without adults being in charge. If there’s one thing a kid should know how to do, it’s play.
On the other point, just last week my 4-year-old son was whining at me to do something fun with him. I said I was busy and he should find something to do on his own. Lo and behold, ten minutes later, he came and asked, “Mom, can I do anything to help you?” and then he actually executed the task I found for him. It doesn’t always work so well, but it sure feels great when it does.
I learned quickly not to say “I’m bored” around my mother, because the end result was me spending time in the bathroom cleaning the grout with a can of scouring powder and an old toothbrush. I’m pretty sure my mother didn’t hate me. 🙂
>>Either way though, her monologue gives us an insight into her character, and I think her character is deficient in ways that cannot be excused as simply being developmentally appropriate selfishness for a child her age. “I’m bored; I wish you would stop cleaning and pay attention to me†is one thing; “I’m cute, so you *should* stop cleaning and pay attention to me†is quite another.<
Or maybe that monologue gives us insight into a fictitious character created by a questionable team of writers, who produced a sub-par script, because hey, it's just a kid doing a commercial. For all we know, that little girl shot that commercial in between running a lemonade stand for cancer research, and organizing a clothing drive for the poor with her Daisy Scout troop. For all we know, she's been taught by adults that the kind of behaviour shown in that commercial is just pretend, and she isn't supposed to act like that outside of the context of acting…….because it really is just acting. What we see in this commercial is no different from a grown woman playing the role of, say, Medea, but being a big-time kid person in real life.
Puking now… this video pushed so many of my buttons that well really, where would I start?! Tomorrow’s children (and society in general) are really screwed if this sort of thing is the new normal. The only slightly redeeming note was that Dad was pitching in with the cleaning too (but this was also more unrealistic at the same time).
@pentamom “If you get her to pick up her own toys, take the dishes out of the dishwasher that she’s able to put away properly, make her own bed, and make sure everything that belongs to her is put away from the common areas of the house, that’s at least a few minutes that you don’t have to spend yourself, regardless of how long it takes her to do it while you’re scrubbing the floor and doing the windows.”
They sort of start picking the toys, but then they forget about duty and start to play mid work. And then I am doing policeman and have to nudge them all the time, because once I told then to do it I want them to do it. My strategy is to insist on them finishing the work once I told them, instead of them doing it half and then me ignoring it. I dislike the approach in which parent says “clean” and then kids find hiding place to ignore work in. I want to avoid that situation.
The alternative in which I clean alone absent mindly is not all that bad, more relaxing and I do not have to check all the time whether they still work. I have kids helping me with chores, but I see it more of as “character development” then real help. It is getting better over time, but they are really not there yet.
While my kid is able to put things out of the dishwasher, the proper places are unreachable to them. Plus, they manipulate them quite ungently even when I am supervising procedure, so I would not want them to do it alone.
“Kids don’t often get to choose who they want to play with anymore.”
Perhaps not.
They CAN however tell their parents which babysitter they want, from the Care.com profiles.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ch1gcpmtco
“She has everything I want”, says Abby.
It’s this idea that we have to please these little Napoleons and bow to their demands and *interests*. It’s a kid-driven decision based on pleasing the child, led by the child. I love my kids but the sitters we used were usually the cheapest (grandparents-free!) and closest (girl next door). Call me old fashioned, but I prefer to pick the sitters myself based on MY criteria, as a parent, and not whether they are going to cook cupcakes and play with cats.
I’m more worried they are going to steal my jewelry and empty my liquor cabinet and their level of responsibility than whether they want to play pretty pretty princess. And so Abby picks the pretty blonde babysitter with the most stars. Blehhh, I hate these commercials. Use the girl next door!
@Emily –
LOL!
OF COURSE this is a fictitious character. I’m not speaking about the character of the young actress herself. I’m speaking about the character of the daughter she portrays in the ad, and how it plays into the guilt and insecurity of our culture at large.
My primary concern is that the ad reinforces negative stereotypes of girls and encourages them to use their looks to get what they want. It would be the equivalent of having a young boy commit stereotypically boy behavior, such as fighting or breaking things as a ploy for parental attention.
It’s simply not a message that should spread uncritically and unchallenged through our culture.
“Or maybe that monologue gives us insight into a fictitious character created by a questionable team of writers, who produced a sub-par script, because hey, it’s just a kid doing a commercial. For all we know, that little girl shot that commercial in between running a lemonade stand for cancer research, and organizing a clothing drive for the poor with her Daisy Scout troop.”
The character of the actress is irrelevant; the fictitious character is what is important, and using a character like that to encourage a certain parental behavior is annoying. It’s playing to the idea that parents are incompetent in handling the balance of doing their chores and understanding and responding to their child’s needs, and either know it and need to avail themselves of Care.com’s services, or need Care.com to tell them. That the (natural) selfish immaturity of children should be responded to primarily by answering their wishes, rather than balancing that with helping them understand reality as they mature.
Commercials shouldn’t sell their stuff by means of sending messages that make people feel themselves helpless in areas where they’re actually empowered to act responsibly. I realize that’s expecting a lot, so I don’t actually expect it to happen that way, but people who develop and produce ads are morally responsible actors, too, so I can at least ask for it.
“It’s simply not a message that should spread uncritically and unchallenged through our culture.”
Forget what I wrote in my last comment. That ^^^ is what I meant to say with all those words. 🙂
“Really, people, “entitledâ€? “Bratâ€? Honestly, it’s just the nature of kids that they say “I’m bored†(or something equivalent) before they think of saying “can I help so this will go fasterâ€? (And, as noted, with a five-year-old “helping†clean, it really doesn’t go faster.)”
Yes, kids will say “I’m bored”. But it’s not actually a bad thing to be bored and I think that’s the point of this post. Imagination and creativity can cultivate in these boring pauses. I enjoy playing with my kids but they also like playing with kids their own age. That leads most of their activities these days, playing with kids their age doing things kids their age do. I don’t know when kid’s play became so parent-centric. I’ll shoot some hoops with the kids but I have no desire to get a wedgie and grass where it should not be doing the slip and slide.
As for 5 year-olds not being helpful cleaning? Depends on the 5 year-old. All of mine can do basic chores. Teach a 5 year-old how to clean a toilet, and you will get a 5 year-old with improved aim.
Kids can help with household chores. They are more than capable.
I realize that this commercial is meant to encourage questionable behaviours, like a child using her appearance to get her own way, and parents spoiling their child by spending all their free time with her, and allowing her to pick the babysitter, but ironically, I think the commercial’s only saving grace is that it’s so poorly done. It’s poorly written, poorly executed, and not remotely convincing in any way. So, people aren’t going to see this commercial and flock to Care.Com to hire a modern-day Mary Poppins; they’re going to see the commercial and think, “What a contrived piece of garbage. I hope it doesn’t ruin that poor little girl’s acting career, or get her teased at school.” Every so often, there’s a commercial that’s either so good, so BAD, that people remember the commercial, but not what it’s for. This is one of those commercials, and it falls squarely into the “bad” category.
@lollipoplover “But it’s not actually a bad thing to be bored and I think that’s the point of this post. Imagination and creativity can cultivate in these boring pauses. I enjoy playing with my kids but they also like playing with kids their own age.”
Sure it is not horrible thing and may be educational, but for the kid saying bored is not horrible either. And even if parent help child to find fun once in a while, it is unlikely to kill kids creativity forever.
It seems like people here get angry every time an ad shows a kid that is bored or is not playing with other children or want attention from parents now. All those things are normal imo and not automatic sign of kid being spoiled entitled brat. It is ok for parents to give them attention or fun or whatever now and it is ok for parents to decide they have something else to do now.
The problem is when you never give your child attention or when you never assert boundaries and always cave to every demand. The ads are just short snapshots supposed to be cute for majority of people. They are not child raising manuals.
Here is an idea. Let’s teach children that:
The world is flat
2 + 3 = 12
It rains only virgins are sacrificed
The best way to cure a cold is to cut your wrist and drain out some of the poisoned blood.
and
The world revolves around you. Mom and dad should cocoon you as much as possible from anything disappointing or hurtful. This includes boredom as well. They should keep you entertained. Therefore there is no need for you to learn how to cope with:
boredom
difficulties
anything disappointing
Although this will promote narcism, that itself is good. Narcism is on an increase (huge, colossal, tremendous) and it will mean that you will fit in.
Oh good grief. It is a commercial to sell the services of Care.com. It isn’t a parenting manual. Maybe we shouldn’t treat it as such.
THIS – the need to overanalyze everything that exists and look for reasons to be upset about it – is exactly what is wrong with society. It is what gets us to microaggressions and complaining about names on sidewalks. Lenore has now officially devolved to practicing exactly what she is preaching against.
@andy- I agree. Kids can say they’re bored and ask a parent to play with them. Mine ask for different types of attention as they get older. But back to the levels of attention that our kids are asking for:
“Before 1995, mothers spent an average of about 12 hours a week attending to the needs of their children. By 2007, that number had risen to 21.2 hours a week for college-educated women and 15.9 hours for those with less education.”
What has changed that the amount time spent *attending to the needs of children* has almost doubled for kids? More working moms? More mom guilt? I don’t have the answers, really. I work from home, and although I am home most days, I have chunks of time I need to devote to work and play times where I like to do things with my family. They realized at early ages that whining and attention-seeking behaviors did NOT get the results they were looking for and learned to play with each other instead. I guess it’s different if your an only child?
I don’t know what it was about these commercials, but they brought out flashbacks of the dreaded Caillou children’s show that I wish I could have blocked. That kid was the worst:
https://www.buzzfeed.com/craigsilverman/please-let-them-watch-something-else
Donna–
YES I agree. There was another thing on here the other day about the “toxic sunscreen” article. Which was a thinly-veiled advertisement for “all-natural” sunscreen. Of course they were trying to guilt parents into buying their product! Same applies here.
“It’s a kid-driven decision based on pleasing the child, led by the child.”
No, it is a decision that considers the child – you know the only person who is going to have to spend time with this person you hire.
I’ve used Care.com a few times and there are generally more than 40 people that meet MY criteria (which consists solely of having a car and being available when I need at a price I am willing to pay). If my kid has her own babysitter desires, why shouldn’t I consider them when deciding which one of 40 equal to me people to hire? It sounds like the parent is the one with the Napolean complex in that case, not the kid.
Agree again, Donna. I heard someone say recently that they don’t let their child order his own food at a restaurant. Because he’s “just a kid” and the parents make all the decisions. What sense does that make?? I wouldn’t let my child order something wildly expensive or inappropriate, just as I wouldn’t let him “choose” a sitter based on silly or inappropriate reasons. But if I’ve selected two sitters and he thinks once “looks nice” or he likes that she drives a red car, why would I refuse to take that into account as a way to make a point?
“But back to the levels of attention that our kids are asking for:
‘Before 1995, mothers spent an average of about 12 hours a week attending to the needs of their children. By 2007, that number had risen to 21.2 hours a week for college-educated women and 15.9 hours for those with less education.'”
But that statistic says absolutely nothing about the levels of attention kids are asking for. It defines the level of attention they are getting.
I question how “attending to the needs of their children” was defined in the various surveys that led to the results. I spend very little time attending the NEEDS of my child, especially as separate from the needs of myself (ie even if I didn’t have a child, I would have to eat, clean, do laundry, etc so my child is only responsible for a portion of the time spent doing those things, not the whole). I spend a handful of hours each week attending to the WANTS of my child. (By this I mean doing things solely because my child wants to do them – taking her to extracurricular activities for example). However, the bulk of time I spend with my kid is not me attending to her anything. It is us engaging in activities together for our mutual enjoyment. I actually like spending time with my kid. I am not taking her kayaking this weekend to “play” with her or attend her needs or wants. I am taking her kayaking because I want to go kayaking and she wants to come with me.
@Dienne: You have a distorted understanding of free-range parenting. Free-range parents do not do less work than helicopter parents, they do much more.
It takes a great deal of faith, courage, and wisdom to teach your children how to interact with the world and then let them go ahead and do it. But free-range parents understand that this is the only hope that their children will ever develop faith, courage, and wisdom of their own.
Anybody can keep their kids “safe” by isolating them from the real world and making them live in candyland.
“But that statistic says absolutely nothing about the levels of attention kids are asking for. It defines the level of attention they are getting.”
I still don’t understand the jump of almost 10 hours of child-centered attention (wants or needs) from one decade to the next. What has happened in a decade that children are getting so much more attention?
It can’t be explained for bigger family size and more children because families are getting smaller and smaller. Perhaps the smaller families and lack of siblings that’s causing the increase?
Working parent guilt? Focus on the single child?
As for picking a babysitter with an online service, I guess I’m a dinosaur. We’ve used sitters that my children knew and admired from their interactions in the neighborhood, usually older siblings of their friends and we knew the families well. That’s a 5-star reference for me. We reaped the benefits of hiring local by having run ins with these sitters at the pool, park, etc. where they loved playing with the kids even when they weren’t on the clock.
One of our favorite sitters for my son was a BOY. Do they have male sitters on Care.com?
I think I’m most annoyed by the fact were supposed to be shocked and appalled by a family doing chores. Now, I know a few people who hire cleaning services because time is money and they’d rather pony up the money rather than tI’m on housework and there’s nothing wrong with that in the least.
But unless this is a family of extreme clean freaks legitimately neglecting their 5-year-old, let’s not insult the viewers’ intelligence. The family is cleaning, the kid cam wait/help. No need to toss out guilt.
“I still don’t understand the jump of almost 10 hours of child-centered attention (wants or needs) from one decade to the next.”
Again, it would need to go back to the defining of child-centered attention. Are they including things parents do WITH their children as opposed to those things done FOR their children?
If the answer is just things done FOR their children, I would guess it is that extracurriculars and playdates have expanded. Those things just take time and parents of multiple children could easily spend 10+ hours doing just that. My daughter takes riding lessons. Between driving and her lesson (staying is easier than driving to and from twice), that is 2 hours of my week dedicated to doing something solely for her that my parents never did for me. And during the couple months of track season, practice is just a matter of dropping off and picking up, but meets take all freaking day. If you have 4 kids engaged in 1 activity each, that can easily be 10 hours of your week right there. That said, it is also not attention that I am giving my child because my child is not engaging with me most of the time at all. I am just hanging out waiting.
However, parents also seem to enjoy spending time with their children more today than in previous generations. My mother and/or my mother and stepfather and I used to do things together all the time. We’d go sledding and ice skating together. We went out to eat, to the movies or to concerts regularly. We’d ditch school for the day to go to into NYC or Philly and later Atlanta to play. We’d go out of town for weekends, sometimes for her to work and sometimes just to play. When she worked for a college, she’d take me to work with her if they were doing something interesting (hence, I got to play with and bottle feed baby tigers when I was 8). But I was a definite anomaly among my friends. Most of my friends rarely did things or went places with their parents.
Today’s parents are far more like my parents than my friends parents. I think some is just more active lifestyles in general. Some is more expendable income with two working, professional parents (note that college-educated parents spend much more time engaging with their children). Some is more free time due to the necessities of living taking less time (abundance of prepared foods) and/or being farmed out (hiring housekeepers, lawn mowers, car washers). And smaller families. One kid is much easier to take places than four, both financially and logistically.
“We’ve used sitters that my children knew and admired from their interactions in the neighborhood, usually older siblings of their friends and we knew the families well.”
Great if you have babysitter material in the neighborhood. We do not. Since we do not have babysitters that can walk home, I prefer to hire a driver. That way, I don’t have to deal with getting him/her home. Now that my child is older, I only hire babysitters for major trials and I only hire adults. I need someone who can essentially step in and be the parent for a week or more knowing that, absent a huge emergency, I will be completely unreachable. A 15 year old is just not going to fit the bill.
“Do they have male sitters on Care.com?”
Not many in my area, but yes.
“We’ve used sitters that my children knew and admired from their interactions in the neighborhood, usually older siblings of their friends and we knew the families well.â€
Nice work if you can get it, but I haven’t found it easy. We’ve tried hiring 14 or 15-year-olds from families we know to babysit, and we’ve generally discovered that most of them have been so over-parented themselves they’re not up to babysitting. E.g., the business side is too much for them – like the girl who was supposed to babysit my one-year-old for two hours one evening, then freaked out over the responsibility, and was told by her mother to call and let me know but found making that phone call too overwhelming, so I only found out she was cancelling after the fact. We’ve also found that it often turns out the babysitter’s parents aren’t actually comfortable with her being responsible for herself – like the mom who was shocked that I suggested her 13-year-old take my toddler for a walk around the block in the middle of the afternoon – the mom had rather aggressively promoted her daughter to us as a babysitter, but then it turned out she wasn’t comfortable with her being on a suburban sidewalk unsupervised herself.
On the other hand, the high-schoolers 16 and over tend to be busy with extra-curriculars and such (plus they’re leaving home in a year or two and hence not that interested in building up a baby-setting clientele). We’ve had our best luck with teens from large home-schooling families, by the way – not so much overscheduling and more experience of responsibility.
Another thing is that kids’ parents seem to give them more money these days, so they’re not as interested in employment as in my day.
So I could see a service like that filling a certain need.
All I could think was: that is what siblings are for.
@Papilio-
That was what I was thinking, too.The role of siblings…mine oldest helped me tremendously with wants and needs. He helped get jackets on or fed his siblings and entertained the heck out of them. The biggest belly laugh from the baby was because of her sister. They entertained each other and played together all the time. Most of these ads for Care.com (I know, I know, it’s only a commercial and why are we over analyzing an advertisement?) are for only children.
“However, parents also seem to enjoy spending time with their children more today than in previous generations.”
Really?! How so?
This generation of parents are on more anti-anxiety and antidepressants than any previous parenting generation. Personally, my parents enjoyed great times with their children, but coming from a large family, we also enjoyed spending time with our siblings, friends, and extended families. There was always someone around (or a pet, we had lots of those as well). The adults had interests and hobbies and friends of their own apart from their roles as parents.
I enjoy spending time with my kids, but I also enjoy my husband, my friends, and family. I can’t say my parents (or even their parents) didn’t enjoy their kids too, they were also loving parents and actively involved in our lives. Every study has shown that it’s quality time over quantity when it comes to kids and I don’t think our generation, with the nonstop distractions of smart phones, etc. is any better than previous generations at *enjoying* their children more.
“This generation of parents are on more anti-anxiety and antidepressants than any previous parenting generation.”
Antidepressants and anti-anxienty medication didn’t exist for most previous parenting generations!!! MAOI inhibitors have been around since the 50’s, but were extremely limited in use due to safety issues, side effects and general effectiveness (don’t work for many forms of depression). They became safer as time went on, but were never widely prescribed. Current antidepressants (SSRIs) were first made commercially available in 1988. Yes, the use of antidepressants has increased dramatically since 1988, but I have yet to see a single study that attributes this boom in popularity to this generation of parents hating their kids rather than the drugs being readily available.
Pap
My first thought was that’s what dogs are for.
I would tend to agree there are two problems with this commercial:
(1) Kids can (and do given the opportunity) entertain themselves. If they don’t get practice learning to tell themselves made-up stories, plots, etc., they’ve lost out on a wonderful part of childhood and certain skills we are used to taking for granted are crippled.
(2) Kids can help with the clean up. (“If you don’t have anything to do and are bored, I can find something for you to do.” Amazing how fast that can clear a room.) Even if the clean up takes 50% longer in order for your child to “help”, it is still a worthwhile investment of time in skills and training. By age 5, my French mother-in-law had my girls very actively assisting in the baking process when she was looking after them. We started with them having to clear off their own dishes from the table about then too I believe. It cost us some broken dishes, but these things happen.
Now, 6-8 years later (and 4 years or so after my MIL’s stroke, otherwise they might have advanced further/faster), they can again handle all sorts of things: (a) making pancakes/muffins/scones in oven or on stove top with no adult supervision required (or desired), (b) preparing special breakfast/lunch/dinner from time to time (including chicken breasts, salads, chili, eggs, quiche, grilled sandwiches, following various recipes they have found on the internet, etc.) (c) clearing table, pre-cleaning dishes in sink, placing dishes in dishwasher, starting dishwasher and/or emptying dishwasher when done, (d) doing their own laundry, (e) cleaning/straightening up their own room, and (f) feeding the dogs (morning and night). Kids are more capable, earlier, than most would realize.
“This generation of parents are on more anti-anxiety and antidepressants”
When did the Stones record “Mother’s Little Helper”?
“Personally, my parents enjoyed great times with their children, but coming from a large family”
Families today are smaller, on average. There’s a much higher incidence of only children. (You could trace this to the availability of effective contraceptives, but I think it goes back a little further, to substantial decrease in infant and child mortality.)
My daughter spent 16 years as not only the only child in her family, but the only child in her generation. Her uncle (on one side of her family) has no children, and her aunt (on the other side of the family) has only one, and will have only one, barring stepchildren.
@MarkM I had my 2-5 years old engaged in baking and cooking and cleaning. A lot. They were willing, active and happy and doing their best most of time.
That is how I know it is faster without them. Not just faster, but relaxing cause you can loose you mind and think about whatever instead of answering or giving instructions or praising etc.
I liked that as common activity, but the fact is it was all faster without them.
When I complained they stopped cleaning, it was not because they were unwilling or lazy. It was because their attention span run out before it was done and they needed reminder. And then again. And so on.
“Antidepressants and anti-anxienty medication didn’t exist for most previous parenting generations!!!”
No, the majority of those suffering from symptoms self-medicated, mostly with alcohol. Pour some sherry for your nerves types. I’m speaking of SSRI’s. Yes, they’re newer and the stigma of seeking help is thankfully no longer there, but as a former employee of big pharma, the #1 customer profile for the mixed anxiety/depression diagnosis was the *stressed-out mom*. Their symptoms often presented as cardiovascular (heart racing, panic attack type symptoms) and doctors prescribe these meds like candy. Medicated to survive parenthood. Not exactly happier to play with their kids, just on happy pills, lots of them.
“This generation of parents are on more anti-anxiety and antidepressants than any previous parenting generation.”
To add to what others said, suicide attempts rates and actual suicides for middle and upper class women went down since fifties and sixteen. So did depression rates, actually.
Which, in my opinion, has little to do with kids and a lot to do with more equality, higher social status of women and female ability to have career/compete and more control of her life.
” the #1 customer profile for the mixed anxiety/depression diagnosis was the *stressed-out mom*. Their symptoms often presented as cardiovascular (heart racing, panic attack type symptoms) and doctors prescribe these meds like candy. Medicated to survive parenthood.”
Well, we can also insist, and many do, that everyone on welfare is a welfare queen who refuses to work while squandering the governments money on luxuries and popping out kid after kid while doing drugs. The fact that that does not describe the vast majority of people on welfare is completely irrelevant.
Nor does calling it the “stressed-out mom” mean that the KIDS are the major stressor. I’m frequently stressed out. I am sure that I would be put into the “stressed-out mom” group. I am textbook. However, WORK is my major stressor, not my child. She is sometimes, more than I’d like, the last bit of whining or aggravation that pushes me over the edge for the day, but my job is my major source of stress.
There are certainly periods of parenting that are stressful and periods in which the kids are not particularly enjoyable to be around, but for the most part every middle class parent that I know really enjoys doing things with their kids. They are not hiring housekeepers because their little dictator demands entertainment that they feel compelled to give to him. They are hiring housekeepers because they genuinely enjoy going sledding and swimming and otherwise hanging out with their kids and have the financial ability to be able to do that instead of cleaning.
My house is super clean because I clean to avoid playing with my kids. I mean, I had 3 of them in 4 years – I’ve already provided playmates! I’ll gladly pop in to secure an edge of a fort or that sort of thing. Day in and day out tho, my kids are expected to occupy themselves being kids. I’m not a kid. Some facilitation, a lego creation, or dressing the dolls makes us all sufficiently happy. And then I’m back to cooking healthy food from scratch. 3 meals and 2 snacks…I can hardly get away to wash cloth diapers and hang them on the line.
My kids don’t need my constant attention or a new toy. I need a new foam rug in the kitchen.
I’m happy to hike or bike or run or bake or play scrabble or trouble or color or watch a movie…but ask me to play barbies or polly pockets and I’d rather you poke me in the eye with a stick. To be fair, I really didn’t enjoy those things much as a child either. I know my daughter would prefer that I drop everything and play dolls — “like real moms” (apparently there are a lot of mom’s entertaining their kids in our town). And to be fair, I’m torn only because she is growing up so fast that in a few years — or months–she won’t enjoy those little girl things anymore. So I get down on the floor and play on occasion–but mostly for the entirely selfish reason of getting a glimpse of my silly little girl rather than the awkward, tumultuous, moody, unpredictable tween that she is becoming. She’s still a great kid but most of the growing up now is so much harder to help with.
“I know my daughter would prefer that I drop everything and play dolls — “like real moms†(apparently there are a lot of mom’s entertaining their kids in our town).”
Or kids just make stuff up to try to get you to do what they want. My kid will pull the “everyone else is doing it” or “all the other moms do it” bit every once in awhile. Except I know all the other moms that she knows (which is the one positive about having had to arrange playdates rather than her just meeting up with kids in the neighborhood whose parents I end up barely knowing) and I know that nobody else is doing it either.
That said, I have friends who love playing dolls or trucks with their kids. That was mind-numbingly boring to me as a child so no way I was doing it as an adult. Not a problem since my kid only wanted to put her dolls to sleep anyway. My floor was constantly covered with dozens of them lying face down with some article of my child’s clothing (usually a shirt) covering them. My living room looked like some weird doll morgue for a few years.
LOL she would try that one time with me and she’d have some chores to do post haste. 😛
Also, am I the only person who wonders why commercials always have people cleaning spotless homes (in which everything is white)?
I had to play with my kids when they first came into my custody, because they literally had no idea what to do with toys. But it doesn’t come naturally to me. By the time they were about 1.5 they were fully capable of tinkering around on their own. I think the inability to play or work on one’s own (or with other kids at that age) is a learning deficit. Not that I see much of that around me. Most kids seem to be able to find something to do without help.
vvvvv
the kid should be helping mom and dad do chores.