Readers: What moves me other than trying to give some trust back to a country consumed by catastrophizing, especially when it comes to our kids?
Yes, had I not become “America’s Worst Mom,” my other pursuit may have won out. After all, I got my job at The New York Daily News by bombarding the editor with funny poems, and even wrote my American Intellectual History final in rhyme. So today, please indulge me as I shift focus and give you my:
VALENTINE TO A SPONGE (AND OTHER LOVABLE EVERYDAY ITEMS)
As Cupid’s favorite day draws near
It’s time to give full-throated cheer
Not just to all the gals and guys
With whom we share our love (and fries)
But also to those other things
That buoy the soul like water wings.
Things so everyday-ish they
Get overlooked. But not today!
Today we frankly celebrate
The stuff we overlook that’s great:
Stuff like sponges when they’re new
That don’t yet smell like old fondue
Made in someone’s sweaty shoe
(That make your hands smell like it, too.)
To all ye sponges not yet gross:
A toast to virgin cellulose!
And let us also give full props
To all our favorite dollar shops
Filled with cards, and cans of fish,
And puzzle books, and licorice,
And napkins and the spatulas
You find in homes of batchulas
Plus the toys worth more than gold
To anyone who’s four years old.
We may be down, but at those stores
We’re living like Louis Quatorze!
Time now, to also offer thanks
To a thigh’s best friend: her Spanx.
And while we’re at it, let’s thank, too,
Whoever gave us Super Glue
And its cousin, twice-removed
The Post-It Note. Can’t be improved.
And Zip-Loc bags — we love you, ‘natch.
And toothpicks with the floss attached.
Also getting thanks muchachas?
Small hotels for cucarachas.
On this day of love and hearts
We hail the happy Pop of Tarts
Whether frosted or just plain
They fill the role of pink champage
To kids whose lives are one long wait
Between the Pop-Tarts that they ate.
(And some of us at 63
May share that same affinity.)
Finally, let us kiss through air
That humble thing we call The Chair
The seat of pow’r! The people’s throne!
Allowing us to work, un-prone.
Whether hard or downright mushy
Thanks from our collective tushy.
You daily items, full of grace
Make our world a better place.
Plastic, frosted, sticky, plain,
Cheap or crunchy, cute, mundane
To you we say: “I’m glad your mine!
And will you be my Valentine?”
You have so many talents! I still think fondly about your Little Thumber Boy.
Lenore, you crack me up!!! How did you know I shop at Dollar Tree! Let me at the cheap shades and eyeglasses to your list. Am in agreement with all the items you mentioned except floss toothpicks (see them on the ground all too frequently). Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours!