Six Truths about Bullies and Bullying

If you’re over 35, you probably remember playing outside till the streetlights came on. But today, a lot of parents worry that if they let their kids play the old-fashioned way – spontaneously,  unsupervised, with whoever’s available in the neighborhood — their children will be bullied by kids older than them.

Here are some ways for you to help them (and you!) put those fears in perspective:

1. Mixed-age play reduces bullying

Bullying is actually less common when kids play in mixed-age groups. Older kids often (imperfectly, of course) step into the caregiver role. It’s actually how they start to build empathy.

As my Let Grow co-founder Peter Gray noted on his Substack, Play Makes Us Human:

“In a review of cross-cultural anthropological studies of children’s social interactions, Beatrice Whiting (1983) concluded that boys and girls everywhere demonstrate more kindness and compassion toward children who are at least three years younger than themselves than they do toward children closer to their own age.”

2 A little discomfort is a good thing

No child will be happy every moment they’re playing. Good! Children need love, safety, and great experiences. That’s their sunshine. But they also need some confusion, anger, sadness, and fear. That’s their rain, and it helps them grow. Not a tsunami! Not a hurricane! A little rain.

3. Not all meanness is bullying

There will inevitably be spats when kids get together. I listen to kids playing outside during the summer and the phrase I hear most often is, “That’s not fair!”

But bullying is something different: Intentional and persistent harassment and/or intimidation.

4. Fight jerks with “social jiu-jitsu”

Since we will never be able to get rid of all bullies, what we can try to do is teach kids how not to be victims (per “bullying expert” Izzy Kalman). We know that kids cannot control other people’s actions. But teaching them to ignore or even respond cheerfully to jerks (when possible) can be empowering. So instead of, “Don’t call me a fatso! That’s not nice! Stop it!” a response like “OMG, I wish I looked like you! I see you eat a Twinkie every day at lunch and yet you are so buff! How do you do it?” throws the bully for a total loop.

He has nothing to push on now. Learning that sort of “social jiu-jitsu” can change a kid’s whole life! (It works with adults, too.)

Note that this doesn’t work with physical bullying, just verbal.

5: Teach The Three R’s

One of the best ways to keep kids safe is to teach them The Three R’s. This lesson will keep them safer than locking them inside, or supervising every interaction:

Recognize — No one can touch where your bathing suit covers.

Resist — If someone bothers you, fight, kick, scream, yell.

Report — to you. Tell your kid: “If someone hurts you or makes you do something you don’t want to do, tell me and I won’t be mad at you. Even if they make you promise not to tell me, Do tell me. Nothing bad will happen, I promise.” This takes away the greatest weapon the bully (or molester) has: secrecy.

6. Ask: What kind of childhood do you want for them?

Finally, have other parents to try to remember how much they loved playing as a kid.

Then ask: “Do you wish your mom was watching you the whole time? Do you wish she was in the tree house with you? Do you wish she was there when you were talking to your friends? Do you wish you were kept ‘safe’ by never having any unsupervised play time, so you’d never possibly deal with a bully?

“If so, then do the same for your kids. But if you think you got something out of your time with friends, outside, playing and dealing with the inevitable conflicts, why not give that same gift to your kids?”

And then…open the door.