Here’s a nice note to start your week:
Dear yadifebedt
Free-Range Kids: I just wanted to thank you for your blog. I am a teacher and I am about to become a parent for the first time. Since I spend so much time working with and thinking about kids, a lot of my life is saturated in worry about their safety and well-being. Finding your blog has helped me to relax and to realize many of my worries do not come from within, but by a culture of hypervigilance and overstated risk.As you’ve mentioned in previous postings, pregnancy exacerbates worry because of all of the safety guidelines and alarmist information out there. When I first became pregnant, I felt that my biggest worry was figuring out how to be a good mom in nine months’ time. But when I started searching the Internet for information about having a healthy and safe pregnancy, I realized that I was going to be just as worried about gestating “properly” as I was with parenting.
I think I committed almost every “no no” on the list before I even knew I was expecting (the Brie cheese! The wine in my hot tub! The ski trip! The hair dye! The pain relief! The sushi dinner!). The guilt and frenzy of fear that consumed me during the first trimester was unreal. Had I really done irreparable damage to my child when it was just the size of a penny?
But then I found your site and the people that make up the FRK community, and I breathed a sigh of relief. There were other moms and dads who did “imperfect” things during their parenting journeys without apology, and went on to have happy and healthy families. Without guilt. Without worry. So I just want to thank you and your followers for giving me a place I could go to read, laugh and enjoy this stage of my life, whenever I was worried. I’m sure I’ll be spending a lot reading your blog once my kid is here!
Oh, and here’s this for a laugh: livestrong.com (a super scaremongery website when it comes to pregnancy advice) has guidelines on HOW TO USE MOUTHWASH while pregnant. I mean really!! So thanks —
Rachel
Pregnant ladies, I feel for you. After all, just last year the CDC advised women to “Stop drinking alcohol if [you] are trying to get pregnant or could get pregnant.†Yes, readers, you are right: That does apply to all women of childbearing age who were not on birth control. I discussed the baselessness of that admonishment here.
My personal advice: Don’t guzzle scotch. Do take folic acid. And while we’re at it, don’t let anyone shame your birth plan. – L.
Can baby survive brie?
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I want to know about these mouthwash guidelines………..
Worry is the worst. It sucks all the joy out of living, and even if all you care about is the fetus (well within the realm of possibility, unfortunately), the rising cortisol levels that come with worry aren’t good for that little parasite either.
I agree with olympia, too much stress is not good for us and is certainly not good for the baby-to-be.
I would just like to add a tidbit of information, hopefully without adding to anyone stress or worry. Folic acid is not good to take on the long term, so if you are taking folic acid because you are trying to conceive, maybe it would be a good idea to stop before you reach 10 years of use or to take a supplement with a better form of B9 like 5-MTHF.
While pregnant, I showed horses, worked cows, ran a farm, milked a cow and drank the raw milk. I rode my horse up to 7 months. At 6 months pregnant, I did back to back trips to Hungary and Colombia where I neve hesitated to try the wine or the farmer’s sausage or cheese or fruit. I hiked the trails. I bathed in hot mineral springs in both countries (that were surpringly cool), and every step of the way had to justify myself to strangers concerned about how I was harming my daughter – but only American strangers. The non-Americans just smiled or touched my big belly and said congratulations. I never fretted a single bit and I have the healthiest, smartest, most beautiful girl I could ever wish for.
Note: I have two boys (6 and 2), I’ve been pregnant in two different US states (Wisconsin & California), one was conceived without proper medical insurance (in WI) and the other was on fabulous medical insurance (in CA), I’ve been overweight most of my life, and I’m working on my free-range parenting.
I did almost every “no” on the list, too…sometimes even after I knew I was pregnant. For example, the day I went into labor with my 2 year old, I dyed my hair. In fact, I was *in labor* when i did it. To be fair, I didn’t know I was in labor because I had no true signs of it. I ate deli meat. I ate cheeses I probably shouldn’t have eaten. I didn’t go into hot tubs (no access), I drank coffee and other forms of caffeine. With my first one, we had medical insurance that didn’t cover anything pregnancy-related (until about 7.5 months along) so we didn’t do the 20 week ultrasound or any of the other ultrasounds and testing…except the glucose test (which my then-OB was extremely surprised that I had passed with ease – {insert two curse words starting with F and B} thought that because I was overweight, I was going to automatically have gestational diabetes – I got rid of her as soon as I could).
Yes, you can get sick from listeria on deli meats and it can harm your baby. Yeah, certain cheeses can harm your baby. But, really, use some common sense and you’ll be fine.
So, you know, one bad mom to another….the kids are fine.
Mmm – let’s see – pregnant women in Japan eat sushi all the time and their kids are raised on it (parents never hear “ewwwww, I want hot dogs.”) French and Italian pregnant women continue to drink wine in moderation. No doubt the French eat all the brie they can hold. Honestly! I am so sick of American culture’s fear mongering!! Fear and worry will far outstrip gestational concerns of any other type.
My mom drank martinis.
I furned out tine.
Olympia: I looked up the article because I just *had* to read it. It’s essentially 4 steps that all say “use alcohol-free mouthwash” “talk to your doctor”. http://www.livestrong.com/article/353035-how-to-use-mouthwash-while-pregnant/
It’s amazing that the human race has continued this far what with generations of mothers doing things on these “DON’T DO THIS WHILE PREGNANT” lists. We should totally be extinct by now.
Qute- Man, that article is INSANE. Does the author not realize that you don’t generally swallow mouthwash? I swear, the one thing we seem to think you can have unlimited amounts of during pregnancy, it’s worry.
My best advise to give pregnant women is don’t take advise.
My first pregnancy I so wanted to follow all of these rules and eat and drink perfectly. Unfortunately, everything I ate made me vomit. After each lovingly prepared meal, I felt like I was flushing IQ points of my unborn child down the drain. I lost weight. I contemplated medication but didn’t want to compound my 0 IQ dumb baby with birth defects from pharmaceuticals. Everyone gave me advise on what I should be eating….”Suck on ginger” (I’d rather lick a Christmas Tree). “You must take your prenatal vitamins” (They made me heave from the horse pill size and vomit violently). I did worry too much about being so sick and not gaining weight.
You know what my OB/GYN finally told me to do? Drink a pint of Guinness.
It worked. I felt so much better, had an appetite to eat decent food, and could finally take a prenatal vitamin on a full stomach (but one that wasn’t so potent). I didn’t bother preparing meals of infused kale with magical unicorn farts. I ate what I could keep down..sometimes with a Guinness. Making and growing a baby isn’t assembling an atomic bomb. Every nutritional choice doesn’t have to be over thought. Sometimes Fed is best.
How to use mouthwash when pregnant? *headdesk*
How in the world did humans ever manage to over-populate the world?
I once looked into the research. A big majority of the advisory stuff is either extremely overblown or an all-out myth.
My doctor, at my last pregnancy, just told me to keep anything “worrisome” to moderation.
It’s amazing the human race has survived! I mean, all those years we were using mouth wash wrong and lifting toddlers and… oh my, lets put these babies in bubbles because with all the dangers, there may never be another healthy human baby born! I’m so glad we have the internet to tell us all how to be pregnant and parent properly.
Coccinelle, can you elaborate on the folic acid thing? Since it’s a water soluble, how is long-term use a problem?
I also found this blog while pregnant and read it daily. Many of the key ooints resonate with my instincts. Now I have a 2 month old that skeeps 12 hours uninterrupted at night and is generally calm and happy. I owe this to being confident in my abilities to guide her to adulthood and in her abilities to persevere and be resilient.
Meh, I drank very lightly (with one pregnancy a small glass of sweet wine in the evening was literally the only thing that would help with the heartburn even though it’s not supposed to work that way, with the rest it was just one glass on special occasions), didn’t even know about the lunchmeat/soft cheese thing back then, and pretty much ate anything I could keep down, because there wasn’t much.
Five physically healthy, above average intelligence kids, and no birth complications. I realize that’s anecdotal but it goes back to what others have said — if pregnancy was such a delicate affair humanity would not have survived, since mothers did things rougher than skiing and soaking in hot tubs in the past as a matter of necessity. If you’re someone who is comfortable with, and able to, limit things like that throughout pregnancy, great. If not, use sense and moderation. Pregnancy is not brain surgery.
OT, but someone just posted this Peppa Pig article on Facebook and for the life of me, I cannot figure out how I didn’t turn into a violent psychopath from spending my childhood watching cartoons like Bugs Bunny, Tom & Jerry, and Road Runner *alone*. Seriously, kids can’t watch cartoons alone or they will be brain damaged? How do you get anything done around the house???
And who is studying this and can we not funnel those resources to study things like childhood cancer and disease instead?
http://www.scienceworldreport.com/articles/48014/20160922/peppa-pig-cartoons-emotionless-zombies-expert.htm
Yes, Thank you Lenore, the one who dared to question the goal of maternal perfection. And well said, cheese-eating-lady.
It’s like this one time I had a panic attack. I thought I was dying and went to the hospital. They pissed me off when they told me it was a panic attack instead of a near-death experience (there were no tigers in the room where I was peacefully working when it happened, and I’m STRONG!) What did I learn from this? That if I am nervous, I will have a panic attack and feel like I’m dying, so don’t be nervous. Now I’m nervous that I might become nervous and end up in the ER with a non-issue but saying my final goodbyes. Every time my pulse races, I have to work hard to not be nervous. That’s how trying to do everything right feels! It’s insanity.
Dear World: Stop putting so much pressure on parents. We are driven by an innate love of our babies and desire to protect them, and an ability to feel their pain and even their potential pain. Please don’t manipulate us and capitalize on us because of this.
Dear Parents: Whenever reading an article about parenting advice, ask yourself “Who stands to gain financially?” If you can think of anyone, then it’s probably not critical advice. You probably don’t need that thing, that 12th baby-butt carrier, and you probably don’t need to do whatever it is they are suggesting you do with that thing, that pink electronic talking toothbrush. I don’t care if it’s a book, a gizmo, an ointment. If they are not selling anything, then ask yourself “What is their agenda in trying to control me in this way? How does it benefit them to convince me that my child should never talk to a stranger or climb up a slide?” There must be some force at work that is controlling this conversation, and I bet if we peel back a layer or two of high-handed parent-judging, we will likely unveil someone wanting to sell something or create a policy that benefits them (not us)(see…insurance companies).
“My mom drank martinis.” Mine too, for eight pregnancies, and there don’t seem to be any adverse outcomes.
I got a great book when I was pregnant called “The Panic-Free Pregnancy” where a doctor examined and presented actual research about all the most commonly repeated warnings and found nearly all of them baseless. Smoking was about the only behavior that he found to be provably and consistently harmful such that it should absolutely be avoided in pregnancy.
The thing about sushi is particularly ill-informed: there’s nothing about raw fish that makes it particularly dangerous to pregnant women. Some worry about raw food generally in pregnancy (especially meat and cheese) due to contagions like listeria that cross the placental barrier, while others admonish against eating too much fish during pregnancy, due to concerns about mercury. But any (alleged) problem with fish as such has absolutely nothing to do with whether it’s raw or cooked. So anybody who declares that pregnant women can’t eat sushi is parading their ignorance – it should be safe to ignore any other warnings they issue.
There were other moms and dads who did “imperfect†things during their parenting journeys without apology
Without apology! YES. No more apologetic “I really shouldn’t but…” and no more joking about already being a bad mommy.
I don’t know if the person who mentioned folic acid posted follow-up information, but if you want to learn more, several doctors have information about it. From what I understand, folate is in leafy greens and beans, for example, but folic acid is the “man-made” version and what is usually included in prenatal vitamins and has been linked in some studies to several types of cancer. Anyway, anyone who’s ever been pregnant knows how difficult it is to any food, let alone leafy greens, so it might be easier to supplement with folic acid during pregnancy and because it’s short-term, it’s probably not a big health risk. But for long-term, eating the foods that contain folate is preferred. Here are the links to the video and article I found:
http://nutritionfacts.org/video/can-folic-acid-be-harmful/
https://www.drfuhrman.com/learn/library/articles/38/harmful-ingredients-in-supplements-picking-the-right-multivitamin-is-paramount-as-most-may-be-harmful-to-your-health
If I ever got pregnant again (which is unlikely given my “advanced” age), I would never, ever read one of those pregnancy “expecting” books. They only serve to fire the imagination, and not in a positive way.
When I was pregnant with my first, I used to visit a coffee place in my office building for my morning double latte. The people working there would always say, “don’t you want decaf?”. No! If I wanted decaf, I’d have asked for decaf.
I asked my OB about it, and her response was, “coffee is an old beverage. People have been drinking coffee and tea for centuries. It’s not an issue in moderation.” She also added that drinking in moderation is also fine, but that the whole ‘no alcohol’ thing had more to do with it being easier for doctors to say none at all, rather than a little bit, because some alcoholic might use that as an excuse to drink a bunch during pregnancy.
Oddly enough, one of the few things I ever had a craving for in my first pregnancy was a margarita!
Unlike Rachel, I had a worry-free pregnancy. Well, 4 actually. Wine, Brie, copious quantities of peanut butter, and really hot baths notwithstanding.
Damn, imagine how gifted my children would be if I’d done the “right” thing, given I killed off all those IQ points and they’re still gifted!!!
The only time anyone ever commented was when I was 8.5 months pregnant with my second. I was out to dinner with a group of friends (one of whom was similarly pregnant) and the waiter went to take our wine glasses off the table when we sat down. Both of us hurriedly said, “No, leave them.” The waiter was gobsmacked and said “but I thought…” Yeah, you thought wrong, buddy!
Considering the majority of listeria outbreaks over the past several years have been from things like cantaloupe and leafy greens, I decided I’d take my chances with sushi, which i craved like mad my first pregnancy. Another good book is Expecting Better, also evidence/ science based.
@Lollipoplover: I carefully designed an optimal diet for my first pregnancy–low fat, maximum nutrient intake with minimal “bad” stuff, nothing on the scare list in What to Expect–and everything in it made me vomit. I had no idea that fresh broccoli and apples could do that to a person. I soldiered grimly on, feeling guilty with every saltine cracker and sip of extra-strength ginger ale. Then one day I snapped and bought a medium meat lovers’ pizza. I ate every bite of the topping off that pizza and felt invigorated and satisfied. After that I tossed the stupid diet out the window, following my actual cravings, which were for red meat with plenty of saturated fat, homestyle canned salmon with the bones and skin, breads made with fortified flour but not whole grains, tomato sauce, a little cheese, olives (no wonder I went nuts on that pizza!), and juices with the pulp in them. That baby is in junior high with a B average. And–I still weighed myself then–I was thinner the day after I had that baby than I was the week before she was conceived!
Some things are obvious common sense. Don’t eat in places the local health department doesn’t like. Avoid stuff that makes you hork later in pregnancy because your labor pains may start in sympathy. Don’t drink to excess, because FAS is an awful thing to do to a kid. Loads of sugar are probably not a good idea. That kind of thing. But my midwife liked to call What to Expect When You’re Expecting How to Expect Complications.
This reminds me of a comedy polices chase. In the chase they shoot up the place, cause 10 car crashes (some crash through buildings) and a bus crash before they catch the criminals. They arrested them for 1/4 of marijuana!
What I’m getting at is that ‘experts’ peddle the most pedantic imperfection imaginable. The seem to be oblivious to the dangers of the stress that they are dishing out.
I think we should certainly promote consciousness of risk factors for children’s health and safety long before pregnancy, and not excuse a careless lack of interest until it’s too late. But risk factors are often mild and even controversial, so parents need to question the general atmosphere of hysteria and mixed-up priorities. One of my favorite observations was a mom who was so worried about a strange man talking to her toddler that she almost sat on the child’s head.
Wait, we’re not supposed to swallow mouthwash? Man, that’s gonna put a crimp in my morning.
How about I just go back to scotch and we’ll call it even?
I absolutely loved all the eating rules when I was pregnant. See, I’m a rather picky eater with lots of friends and coworkers who love disgusting things like sushi and a very moderate drinker who worked in a high alcohol-consuming office so it was delightful for 9 months to be able to say “I can’t eat sushi” and “I can’t drink” without getting the eye rolls, “you should try it,” “how can you not like beer,” and “don’t be boring, have another drink” that I often got.
Beyond milking the rules for my own benefit, I ate anything I wanted, including plenty of soft cheese and lunch meat. I also didn’t take prenatal vitamins (every kind I tried made me puke) and ate little other than plain Lays potato chips for my first trimester (the only thing that slightly killed the constant nausea).
Any book about pregnancy, such as What To Expect When You’re Expecting, that espouses a one-size-fits-all philosophy when it comes to any aspect of pregnancy, especially what one eats, should be summarily thrown to the curb-side. Food cravings can be very specific and particular to each individual pregnant woman, so no “expert” can or should tell her what she should or should not eat.
Just as an aside: I’m afraid Donna and I could never be friends as I adore eating sushi and drinking wine, and continued to have both throughout my two pregnancies (the wine in moderation, of course).
“Food cravings can be very specific and particular to each individual pregnant woman, so no “expert†can or should tell her what she should or should not eat.”
An Indian co-worker once told me that in India, most people firmly believe that if a pregnant women fulfills all her food cravings, the child will be easy and contented after birth, while if she resists them, the child will be colicky and unhappy. Not sure about the science behind that, but it’s a nice humane mindset, anyway.
How did we (humans) ever manage to get to 7billion (and counting) people on the earth without all these rules?
@Jenny Islander-
Amen to meat lovers’ pizza. I also became a ridiculous carnivore during my first pregnancy.
But second pregnancy, meat made me puke. I also couldn’t tolerate fish or eggs, everything tasted like it had a metallic/chemical aftertaste (my husband said I was like the little girl in the movie “Signs” with funny tasting water) and cigarette smoke, even on clothing, made me super nauseous. My MIL was a smoker and would send food over to try to help out. It tasted like ass and I didn’t eat it, though the gesture was sweet.
The only thing that helped quell my nausea was Lucky Charms. Seriously magically. I ate this sugarbomb/food color Red#Dead crappy cereal and could go on with my day. My toddler son used to come in the bathroom when I was sick and try to shut the toilet lid on my head saying, “Mommy, no more BLAHHHHHH!” because he wanted to go outside and play. Thank heavens for Lucky Charms to get me out of the house. This was also the pregnancy with the funny-tasting everything that I started to garden. I could grow my own food that didn’t taste gross and we’ve been avid grow-your-own ever since. I also still think local dairy taste so much than any store bought brand. I still taste chemicals in eggs!
The Lucky Charm baby is by far the highest achiever academically and athletically. She’s good at everything…and I ate the worst out of all of my pregnancies with her and gained the least amount of weight (sicker than the first). Listen to your body, don’t fret about every morsel of food you ingest because often our bodies know more than our brain.
The only advice I ever offer to an expectant mother is what I found the most helpful to me: try to learn to carry only a wallet rather than a big purse. You’re going to be carrying a baby and a diaper bag and you won’t have enough hands for a large purse of your own. The wallet/small purse can be thrown into the diaper bag, and it will be one less thing to worry about.
From one (very imperfect) mother of three healthy boys.
Can I just say like telling people not to smoke or drink alcohol while they’re pregnant is ableist and classist as hell and it needs to stop
First off the majority of smokers/substance abusers are from disadvantaged and poor backgrounds or are struggling with mental health issues and they use it as a coping method so to tell them they’re a bad person for doing that is both classist and ableist.
The main argument against it is that your child will come out disabled but honestly if that happens so what??? Whats wrong with that??? This whole mindset has deep roots in ableist thought process and im sick of it, like, why do you hate people with disabilities???
When I was pregnant with my daughter, the only thing that quelled the nausea somewhat was plain Lay’s potato chips. I ate them by the truck load (also gained a ton of weight my first trimester). I couldn’t eat anything sweet at all, even fruit. While I was nauseous 24/7, I never actually threw up unless I ate something sweet. One day, I had an overwhelming craving for Cocoa Puffs. I went to the grocery store and bought a box. and ate about half of it – only time that sweet that did not make me puke in the first 4 months of my pregnancy. After the nausea went away, bagels and cream cheese and peaches became my obsession. I did have to limit my intake somewhat due to the side effects of eating a lot of fresh peaches, but probably ate this as a meal at least once a day.
The potato chip/bagel kid is smart (gifted program), healthy (never missed a say of school for illness) and an all-around perfect kid. Pregnancy is weird. Just go with it.
“The main argument against it is that your child will come out disabled but honestly if that happens so what??? Whats wrong with that??? This whole mindset has deep roots in ableist thought process and im sick of it, like, why do you hate people with disabilities???”
Um, perhaps this is a joke so I shouldn’t reply. . . But anyway, with smoking, I believe the main effects that have been found are significantly increased chances of prematurity, low birth weight, asthma/allergies, and SIDS. All of which most people would agree are things we would like to avoid for our children if possible, and not because we hate people with asthma, etc. Likewise, if a simple course of action would significantly lower the chance of spina bifida, for instance, of course any sane person would want to do that; this indicates no scorn or hatred for people who have spina bifida.
@Anna; Its parody. A reductio ad absurdum of social justice warrior rhetoric.
The next step is to argue: “What are you saying? That differently abled children are less desirable than normally abled children?? We should allow and encourage mothers to have differently abled children.”
I had a rule when pregnant that generally if it was a brand new ‘risk’, unless there was some seriously hard figures around it (not ‘increases the risk’… OK, what if the basis of that risk were minute in the first place), I would call bullsh*t.
I did eat the occasional brie or sushi – I’ll bet mums in France and Japan damn well eat ’em all the time.
I had the occasional drink because I’m an adult and capable of stopping after one (I think I’ve heard that fetal alcohol syndrome occurs in about 10% of births to alcoholic mothers, so even if you’re an ACTUAL alcoholic, which I don’t recommend being, you still have a 90% chance of not having a child with FAS!)
It’s basically because we in the developed modern world have so much less to actually fear that we start fretting about all sorts of nonsense. Plus there’s ‘healthy dose’ of controlling women and telling them they’re doing the wrong thing and their entire purpose is procreation.
Can’t wait for some kid to sue his mom for not following all guidelines. Kid isn’t smart enough for the Ivy League it is mom’s fault.
Just something to throw out there, but I think the rules about “no soft cheese” are based on those cheeses being made from unpasteurized milk. Which makes them hilariously pointless in the U.S., where only hard aged cheeses can be made of unpasteurized milk. You can’t even get around this by importing from, say, Europe; it’s illegal to sell them at all. The end.
I didn’t listen to so called experts on tv, in the magazines or books. I talked to real experts. The women in my family who had children. My mother, grandmothers, Aunts and cousins. The best advice I got is to not listen to those who try to scare people with stupid attention grabbing headlines because they are trying to do one thing, scare you into buying what they are saying. They said relax, there is nothing to worry about because women have been having babies for generations. To eat what you are craving because it usually means there is something in the food your body is needing for you and the baby. The last bit of advice was to walk as much as possible and that advice helped a lot. People want you to listen to them, to buy their goods or services so they will say and do anything to get your attention. There is a business here that does those body scans and they have the most horrible commercials of people collapsing in front of kids, doing this so people will be so scared, they will get an unnecessary body scan and thats what people are doing more and more to pregnant women. If you have a worry go talk to a female you love and trust who has had babies and they will be so much better than the inter webs.