CNN Deciding What To Scare Viewers About Next: The Onion

Today, nzasehaibr
let us give thanks for The Onion and pieces like —

CNN Holds Morning Meeting To Decide What Viewers Should Panic About For Rest Of Day

ATLANTA—Kicking around ideas ranging from an uptick in child kidnappings to a new link between laptops and cancer, senior CNN staffers held their regular daily meeting this morning to decide which topic viewers should panic about for the rest of the day.

“It’s always kind of tough to get our meetings going each morning, but once we got some coffee in us, we were able to toss around a few ideas on what might absolutely terrify half a million or so viewers today,” said CNN Newsroom executive producer Eric Hall, adding that although the discourse was briefly derailed by a recounting of the previous night’s NFL game and discussions of staff members’ upcoming weekend plans, the team eventually spent 45 minutes debating which stories had the legs to prey on people’s anxieties for a full 24-hour cycle. “There was a lot of back-and-forth between those who really wanted to focus on scaring the hell out of people with a piece about the nation’s lack of preparedness for the next big earthquake and those who felt like we should try to stir up a frenzy over a potentially dangerous new teen trend called vamping, in which —

Read the rest here! And happy Thanksgiving!

CNN defends new slogan, "Holy Crap, We're All Gonna Die." (Borowitz Report)

CNN defends new slogan, “Holy Crap, We’re All Gonna Die.” (Borowitz Report)

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9 Responses to CNN Deciding What To Scare Viewers About Next: The Onion

  1. Tamara November 27, 2014 at 10:20 am #

    It’s funny, ’cause it’s true!

  2. BL November 27, 2014 at 10:54 am #

    Let’s just make sure no children read this article. There weren’t even any triggers warnings!

  3. Donald November 27, 2014 at 4:21 pm #

    I love it! The brain works on electrical impulses AND biochemical stimulus. Therefore all emotions (including fear) has a particular chemical that’s released in the brain in order to make us feel that way. To make a long story short, EVERY EMOTION HAS A CHEMICAL ATTACHED TO IT.

    A continuous bombardment of any chemical causes addiction. This is why I consider The news channels and ‘Law and Order’ producers to be the same as tobacco companies! They target their customers with the goal of increasing the addiction.

    While I think this is immoral, we have also got to take some responsibility as well. After all I don’t buy the argument, “I’m a chain smoker and it’s entirely the tobacco companies fault. It’s NO fault of mine!”

    We like to ostracize pregnant mothers that drink but think it’s perfectly fine for them to be a drama junkie.

  4. Donald November 27, 2014 at 4:29 pm #

    6 months back I gave the onion an idea for a story.

    This is a new product. It’s a few steps above 3d tv and surround sound. The tv will have little grenades that throw hamburger instead of shrapnel. That way when you watch a shootout, you can feel yourself getting hit with flying muscle tissue and guts!

  5. Papilio November 27, 2014 at 6:53 pm #

    Just to what extent is this fiction…?

    Off-topic: It’s been the 28th for almost an hour here now, but fortunately that doesn’t matter for you: Happy birthday! 😀

  6. J.T. Wenting November 28, 2014 at 7:25 am #

    sounds so believable… If it weren’t the Onion reporting it I’d be seriously inclined to believe it…

  7. Bob Davis November 29, 2014 at 5:15 am #

    The Ebola Virus scare seems to be abating–I guess I can say I’m going to visit Monrovia without specifying “Monrovia, California! NOT Liberia!!”

    There’s an old story about tabloid newspaper (think NY Post) office, where the managing editor and the city editor were having a worried conference. “Chief, what are we going to put on front page? It’s been the quietest day that I can remember–no murders, no robberies, no scandalous divorces, not even a big wreck on the expressway, and we’re coming up on deadline for the evening edition.” And the Chief says, “Don’t worry, Bill, something will come up. I have faith in human nature.”

    I know a song that illustrates how news transmission speed has improved over the last 200 years. Back in 1959 Johnny Horton recorded “The Battle of New Orleans”. The irony is that the battle was fought after the peace treaty was signed, but word didn’t reach New Orleans for several weeks because sailing ships were the fastest overseas transport in 1814. Now we have satellites and fiber optics that can relay news of disasters and problems from one side of the world to the other in mere seconds.

  8. MichaelF November 29, 2014 at 7:20 am #

    Now I am worried about vamping….*sigh*

  9. Cynthia812 December 1, 2014 at 10:27 am #

    I often find myself checking real stories to see if they’re from the Onion, but the only reason this one seems off is that no one would admit to this. Sad when the Onion is more sane and real-sounding than real news.