This powerful piece is reprinted by permission of Rise, fkhyasdnkb
an extraordinary magazine written by and about those whose kids have been in the foster care/Child Protective Services system.
We have heard so many stories here of parents investigated for letting their kids play outside or wait a few minutes in the car. Suddenly, they had the authorities second-guessing their personal lives. For Piazadora Footman, that kind of intrusion has been a constant.
The Fear Stays With Me â€“ Living my life right hasnâ€™t made me feel safe from an investigation
October 18, 2016 by Piazadora Footman
It seems like Iâ€™ve been afraid of child protective services all of my life.
Growing up in the projects, we called CPS the â€œParent Police,â€ and it was normal for the girls I knew to lose custody of their children because they were smoking weed, drinking or hanging out late. Many of my friends still donâ€™t have custody of their children.
I grew up in foster care, and I lost my own son, Xavier, for three years. Xavier was 1 and I was 23 when he was removed because I was using drugs.
At the time, I was depressed about not being a good enough mother. I didnâ€™t know what to do when Xavier would get into so much stuff or when he was so clingy when I tried to cook or bathe. Iâ€™d tell guys that liked me to take me food shopping so I could feed my son. But when food ran low and no money was near, I felt like a bad mom.
When Xavier was taken, I felt like a failure. I cried out of fear, knowing that no one would love him like I did.
Investigated for Lies
But I also live in fear because Iâ€™ve been investigated for lies.
Once, when Xavier was small, we went outside, and in front of the shelter we lived in, I slipped on ice and Xavierâ€™s stroller and I fell over. (Luckily Xavier didnâ€™t fall out.)
For no apparent reason, the guards called CPS on me. When the investigator arrived, she said: â€œWe got a call that you threw your babyâ€™s stroller over and that your baby puts stuff from the floor in his mouth.â€
I told the investigators, â€œMy son canâ€™t pick nothing up. Heâ€™s only 3 months old. He canâ€™t even crawl.â€
The investigator said, â€œIâ€™ve seen enough,â€ and left. Still, it was scary to know that at any time anyone can call with lies.
Innocent and Petrified
Then, a couple of years ago, I was having conflicts with my sonâ€™s school because they werenâ€™t giving him the services he needed. One night, my son and daughter wound up writing all over each other with a red marker. When I noticed, I washed it but it didnâ€™t all come off.
The next day my sonâ€™s school saw the marks, thought it was bruising, spoke to my son and called child protection. That night, investigators came knocking on my door.
I tried to act light-hearted. I told the investigator, â€œXavier doesnâ€™t go to sleep easily. If you wake him, youâ€™re going to have to put him back to sleep.â€ But actually I was petrified. I knew sheâ€™d see he wasnâ€™t bruised but was afraid she might accuse me of neglect for not watching my children while they were playing. I was relieved that my case was closed, unfounded.
Always on Alert
Itâ€™s been 6 years since Xavier came home. He and my younger daughter, Blossum, and I live in a nice 3-bedroom. When I look at my family, I think we should have nothing to fear. Our walls are filled with my childrenâ€™s drawings, school work and learning posters. We do arts and crafts, go on picnics, and are more happy than frustrated daily.
Still, if my children get hurt in the park or act up in school, I feel like CPS is going to knock.
One day last year, we woke up late, with no time for breakfast. I was scared that the school would say I let my children go hungry.
At the bus stop, I told them sternly, â€œDonâ€™t yâ€™all tell no one at school that yâ€™all ainâ€™t have breakfast, OK?â€
My son said, â€œMa, we donâ€™t ever be hungry.â€ We laughed and I hugged them. I didnâ€™t want them to know I was scared. But for the next two days I worried.
The worst part is that my fear turns me into a helicopter mom. Iâ€™m always hovering over my children and making sure they follow the rules. Part of me is proud that they speak well and donâ€™t curse.
But I also think Iâ€™m not allowing them to be themselves, or to be enough like other kids. In my building thereâ€™s a 9-year-old who goes across the street to the park by himself. A few months ago, he knocked for Xavier, who was 10, to go with him. I almost passed out. â€œNo,â€ I said, without even thinking, for fear I would be charged with lack of supervision.
Still, I donâ€™t want my children to turn into hermits. So I decided that when Xavier turned 11 Iâ€™d let him go to the store by himself, and I have. I fear that if I donâ€™t give him a little more independence, heâ€™ll turn into someone who canâ€™t survive life â€™cause he never lived it.
I’m betting Xavier will turn into someone who can more than survive, can soar, because he’s seen what a fighter his mom is, and how fiercely he is loved.
I am also betting that the more we talk about day to day interactions with the “Parenting Police,” the fuller a picture will emerge of both the sensibility of some child protective workers and the “worst-first” overkill of others. And I’m hoping that this new light on a previously murky corner of parenting will make for more accountable agencies.
I’m heartened that in Piazadora’s recent experience, twice the authorities have been summoned and twice they have immediately closed the case. Kudos to them, and to Piazadora for getting back on track. Good luck to the whole Footman family — and to the aptly named magazine”Rise.” – L.