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    Free-Range Kids

    Lenore’s Carols

    December 25, 2010
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    Hi Readers: We interrupt this well-focused blog to bring you my Year in Carols. I write ’em every year — can’t help myself. Sing ’em, share ’em, post ’em on YouTube if you can’ keep a tune. (I can’t!) We’ll be back to Free-Range issues very soon. But meantime: Enjoy! — L.

    THE YEAR IN CAROLS

    By LENORE SKENAZY

    FROSTY THE TRAVELER (TO “FROSTY THE SNOWMAN”)

    Frosty the Traveler was a snowman on the go

    With a corn-cob pipe and a carry-on

    And a book by Scott Turrow.

    .

    Frosty the Traveler, had a plane to catch that day

    So he stood in line, feeling mighty fine

    Till he met the TSA.

    .

    He must’ve looked suspicious, ‘cause he saw the agents frown

    But when he cried, “Don’t touch my junk!”

    They began to pat him down!

    .

    Oh! Frosty the Traveler, turned beet red and danced about

    And the TSA, they all ran away

    ‘Cause the snowman freaked them out.

    A red snowman freaked them out

    .

    Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump

    Agents everywhere!

    Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump

    Hey! Don’t pat me there!

    .

    WALKIN’ IN A WIKI WONDERLAND

    Cables leak, are you listening?

    In  Iraq  , someone’s bristlin’

    We lie, cheat and boast

    Now it’s in the Post

    Walkin’ in a Wiki Wonderland

    .

    Gone astray, secret death plots

    Here to stay, skeevy despots

    Khadaf’s got a nurse

    And Karzai is worse

    Walkin’ in a Wiki Wonderland

    .

    In the  Middle East  they all hate Mahmoud

    Hopin’ that someone will take him down

    Out loud they say, “Israelis are no good!”

    (But they can do the job when they’re in town.)

    .

    Later on, we’ll conspire

    As we sit, by the wire

    To face, all afraid,

    The mess that’s been made

    Walkin’ in a Wiki Wonderland

    .

    WATCH EVERY BITE (TO “ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT”)

    Eat, my child, a plate of quinoa

    Watch every bite

    The whole White House wants you skinnier

    Watch every bite

    Salt is incapacitatin’

    Transfat we’re not toleratin’

    Bake sales are a tool of Satan

    Watch every bite.

    .

    Eat, my child, some whole grain pancakes

    Watch every bite

    Wash ‘em down with cream of bran flakes

    Watch every bite

    Health is good, we must remind you

    Put that bag of fries behind you

    Eat a cupcake, we will find you

    Watch every bite.

    .

    DOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (TO “HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS”)

    Oh there’s no Metrodome for the holidays

    ‘Cause the snow buried that old Vikings’ home

    Fans can pine through half time in  Detroit  , but oh

    For the Vikings, there is no more dome sweet dome.

    .

    THE LENO SONG (TO “THE DREIDEL SONG”)

    I was the king of Late Night

    And yet I couldn’t win

    They gave my job to Conan

    And dropped me on my chin.

    .

    Oh Conan, Conan, Conan

    You’re hipper than me, yes

    But now I’m back and rested

    And you’re on TBS.

    .

    SEE YOU LATER, STEVEN SLATER (TO “LET IT SNOW”)

    Oh the folks on this plane are frightful

    And my God, I’ve got a flightful

    One just hit my head upside

    Let me slide, let me slide, let me slide

    .

    Oh the overhead bins are packed full

    And I’m tired of being tactful

    It’s this or bee-atch-i-cide

    Let me slide, let me slide, let me slide

    .

    When I finally say, “Buh-bye,”

    How I love bouncing out on my rear!

    And though unemployed may be I

    All the way home I’ll drink beer!

    .

    Now if you take your job and shove it

    I can guarantee, you’ll love it

    Why not come along for the ride?

    Let us slide, let us slide, let us slide!

    .

    THE 12 WEEKS OF BP (TO “THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

    On the first week of gushing, my BP gave to me

    A partridge in a black sea.

    On the second week of gushing, my BP gave to me

    Two turtles dead and a partridge in a black sea.

    On the third week of gushing, my BP gave to me

    Three drenched hens, two turtles dead and a partridge in a black sea.

    On the fourth week of gushing, my BP gave to me

    Four crawling birds, three drenched hens, two turtles dead and a partridge in a black sea.

    On the fifth week of gushing, my BP gave to me

    Five broken rigs!

    Four crawling birds, three drenched hens, two turtles dead and a partridge in a black sea.

    AND:

    6 Geese a-gasping

    7 Swans not swimming

    8 Shrimp a-shriveling

    9 Crawfish croaking

    10 Frogs not leaping

    11 Puffins puffin’

    12 Dolphins drooping

    And a partridge in a black sea.

    .

    THE LITTLE THUMBER BOY (TO “THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY”)

    Come, they texted me, pa rum pum pum pum

    A nu-brn king 2 C, pa rum pum pum pum

    R finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum

    2 lay b4 da King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.

    So, 2 hnr Him, pa rum pum pum pum

    I use my thumb

    .

    LOL, it’s fun! Pa rum pum pum pum

    I M a poor boi 2, pa rum pum pum pum

    I have no gift 2 bring, pa rum pum pum pum

    But I can txt something, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.

    Shall I text for U, pa rum pum pum pum

    Or iz that dumb?

    .

    Mary nodded , pa rum pum pum pum

    Z ox + lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum

    I did my best 4 Him, pa rum pum pum pum

    I sent 8 texts 2 Him, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

    Then he : ) ‘d @ me, pa rum pum pum pum

    Me & my thumb.

    .

    HAVE YOURSELF A MASSIVE CHRISTMAS TAX BREAK (TO “HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS”)

    Have yourself a massive Christmas tax break

    Let your heart be light

    Do not think about the deficit tonight

    .

    Have yourself a whopper of a tax break

    Make your blood run green

    We should be ok until 2-oh-15!

    .

    Use that cash, please, to start a biz

    Or our country is dead meat

    Downsized friends who worked near to us

    Work at Wal-Mart now,  and greet.

    .

    True the tax breaks will expire some day

    If the pols allow

    Until then we’re frolicking in cash, and how!

    So have yourself a don’t-think-‘bout-next Christmas now.

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    11 Comments

    1. oncefallendotcom on December 25, 2010 4:10 am

      Here is one more for you:

      http://once-fallen.blogspot.com/2009/12/recession-bells-of-christmas-spoof.html

      By the way, I disagreed with one song. I like Leno, and Conan sucks.

    2. Melanie on December 25, 2010 5:16 am

      Love them! A Christmas morning giggle.

      Merry Christmas all, and new year filled with sanity and discovery.

      Melanie

    3. gramomster on December 25, 2010 11:45 am

      I. Love. These!!!

      Merry Christmas (Happy Solstice, Joyous Season, Peaceful Tidings…) to all!!!

      Hope you all have the loveliest of days tomorrow.

    4. Valerie H on December 25, 2010 12:20 pm

      I am definitely bringing these to our celebration tomorrow.

    5. mollie on December 25, 2010 12:24 pm

      I love the “Little Thumber Boy.” Brilliant, my dear! They all are. Thank you for sharing!

    6. poppy on December 25, 2010 1:35 pm

      I love these–you rock! I will definitely be singing Little Thumber Boy (with the text “translation” on index cards) at the festivities tomorrow!

      My sister and I do this song piggy-backing thing during the holidays, too. It all started with a book of Catmas Carols. Best thing is staying up together until 2 in the morning making lyrics which range from disturbing to brilliant, because what we write seems even funnier then!

    7. Kenny Felder on December 26, 2010 1:10 am

      These are a lot of fun. I forwarded the Little Thumber Boy around to a lot of people, including my 17-year-old daughter.

    8. Scott on December 26, 2010 7:43 am

      When I read these yesterday I thought you were reposting them from somewhere. Today I read your intro more carefully and realized you wrote all of them yourself, and you do this every year?!? Wow! Extremely impressive collection.

    9. Tuppence on December 27, 2010 8:35 pm

      I LOL!ed. Great stuff.

      P.S. Why not take the opp. to pay homage? It should read: “sung to the tune of” à la Mad Magazine.

    10. drpretzel on December 28, 2010 3:33 am

      I think we must have all needed a Christmas laugh or ten. Here’s my contribution to holiday humor: http://drpretzelphilosopher.wordpress.com/2010/12/25/the-santa-trackerambush-guide/

    11. imajane on January 5, 2011 11:33 pm

      Frosty the Traveler and Little Thumber Boy…bwahahahaha!

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