Lenore’s Carols

Hi Readers: We interrupt this well-focused blog to bring you my Year in Carols. I write ’em every year — can’t help myself. Sing ’em, share ’em, post ’em on YouTube if you can’ keep a tune. (I can’t!) We’ll be back to Free-Range issues very soon. But meantime: Enjoy! — L.

THE YEAR IN CAROLS

By LENORE SKENAZY

FROSTY THE TRAVELER (TO “FROSTY THE SNOWMAN”)

Frosty the Traveler was a snowman on the go

With a corn-cob pipe and a carry-on

And a book by Scott Turrow.

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Frosty the Traveler, had a plane to catch that day

So he stood in line, feeling mighty fine

Till he met the TSA.

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He must’ve looked suspicious, ‘cause he saw the agents frown

But when he cried, “Don’t touch my junk!”

They began to pat him down!

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Oh! Frosty the Traveler, turned beet red and danced about

And the TSA, they all ran away

‘Cause the snowman freaked them out.

A red snowman freaked them out

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Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump

Agents everywhere!

Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump

Hey! Don’t pat me there!

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WALKIN’ IN A WIKI WONDERLAND

Cables leak, are you listening?

In  Iraq  , someone’s bristlin’

We lie, cheat and boast

Now it’s in the Post

Walkin’ in a Wiki Wonderland

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Gone astray, secret death plots

Here to stay, skeevy despots

Khadaf’s got a nurse

And Karzai is worse

Walkin’ in a Wiki Wonderland

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In the  Middle East  they all hate Mahmoud

Hopin’ that someone will take him down

Out loud they say, “Israelis are no good!”

(But they can do the job when they’re in town.)

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Later on, we’ll conspire

As we sit, by the wire

To face, all afraid,

The mess that’s been made

Walkin’ in a Wiki Wonderland

.

WATCH EVERY BITE (TO “ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT”)

Eat, my child, a plate of quinoa

Watch every bite

The whole White House wants you skinnier

Watch every bite

Salt is incapacitatin’

Transfat we’re not toleratin’

Bake sales are a tool of Satan

Watch every bite.

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Eat, my child, some whole grain pancakes

Watch every bite

Wash ‘em down with cream of bran flakes

Watch every bite

Health is good, we must remind you

Put that bag of fries behind you

Eat a cupcake, we will find you

Watch every bite.

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DOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS (TO “HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS”)

Oh there’s no Metrodome for the holidays

‘Cause the snow buried that old Vikings’ home

Fans can pine through half time in  Detroit  , but oh

For the Vikings, there is no more dome sweet dome.

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THE LENO SONG (TO “THE DREIDEL SONG”)

I was the king of Late Night

And yet I couldn’t win

They gave my job to Conan

And dropped me on my chin.

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Oh Conan, Conan, Conan

You’re hipper than me, yes

But now I’m back and rested

And you’re on TBS.

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SEE YOU LATER, STEVEN SLATER (TO “LET IT SNOW”)

Oh the folks on this plane are frightful

And my God, I’ve got a flightful

One just hit my head upside

Let me slide, let me slide, let me slide

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Oh the overhead bins are packed full

And I’m tired of being tactful

It’s this or bee-atch-i-cide

Let me slide, let me slide, let me slide

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When I finally say, “Buh-bye,”

How I love bouncing out on my rear!

And though unemployed may be I

All the way home I’ll drink beer!

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Now if you take your job and shove it

I can guarantee, you’ll love it

Why not come along for the ride?

Let us slide, let us slide, let us slide!

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THE 12 WEEKS OF BP (TO “THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS”)

On the first week of gushing, my BP gave to me

A partridge in a black sea.

On the second week of gushing, my BP gave to me

Two turtles dead and a partridge in a black sea.

On the third week of gushing, my BP gave to me

Three drenched hens, two turtles dead and a partridge in a black sea.

On the fourth week of gushing, my BP gave to me

Four crawling birds, three drenched hens, two turtles dead and a partridge in a black sea.

On the fifth week of gushing, my BP gave to me

Five broken rigs!

Four crawling birds, three drenched hens, two turtles dead and a partridge in a black sea.

AND:

6 Geese a-gasping

7 Swans not swimming

8 Shrimp a-shriveling

9 Crawfish croaking

10 Frogs not leaping

11 Puffins puffin’

12 Dolphins drooping

And a partridge in a black sea.

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THE LITTLE THUMBER BOY (TO “THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY”)

Come, they texted me, pa rum pum pum pum

A nu-brn king 2 C, pa rum pum pum pum

R finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum

2 lay b4 da King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.

So, 2 hnr Him, pa rum pum pum pum

I use my thumb

.

LOL, it’s fun! Pa rum pum pum pum

I M a poor boi 2, pa rum pum pum pum

I have no gift 2 bring, pa rum pum pum pum

But I can txt something, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum.

Shall I text for U, pa rum pum pum pum

Or iz that dumb?

.

Mary nodded , pa rum pum pum pum

Z ox + lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum

I did my best 4 Him, pa rum pum pum pum

I sent 8 texts 2 Him, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

Then he : ) ‘d @ me, pa rum pum pum pum

Me & my thumb.

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HAVE YOURSELF A MASSIVE CHRISTMAS TAX BREAK (TO “HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS”)

Have yourself a massive Christmas tax break

Let your heart be light

Do not think about the deficit tonight

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Have yourself a whopper of a tax break

Make your blood run green

We should be ok until 2-oh-15!

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Use that cash, please, to start a biz

Or our country is dead meat

Downsized friends who worked near to us

Work at Wal-Mart now,  and greet.

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True the tax breaks will expire some day

If the pols allow

Until then we’re frolicking in cash, and how!

So have yourself a don’t-think-‘bout-next Christmas now.