From nkbfeyytfi
my son Morry, from America’s favorite news source:
WASHINGTON—Challenging commonly held misperceptions, the U.S. Department of Justice published a report this week revealing that the vast majority of UFO abductions are perpetrated by aliens a person knows rather than extraterrestrials unfamiliar to victims. “The popular notion of UFO abductions is of a person being beamed up into the sky by strange, hostile beings from Sirius or Andromeda, but the reality is that most of these abductions are committed by an extraterrestrial acquaintance the victim trusts and feels comfortable around,†DOJ spokesman Devin Shane said.
Isn’t that what we’ve been saying all along? Read the rest here!
Can you help me find my extra-terrestrial puppy?
The Onion is great! I grew up with MAD magazine, graduated to National Lampoon, and now am a fan of the Onion.
I keep telling my friends that only a very small percentage of UFO abductions are by strange space aliens. Maybe after seeing this they will finally believe me.
Damn, actually really disappointed with this. Thought at least if aliens were going to abduct me they would be strange aliens. But they’re more likely to be aliens I know?!
How boring….. :-).
hineata, look at it this way — they’re people you know, who actually turn out to be aliens. That would make life pretty interesting, I think.
“Officials noted, with a degree of optimism, that evidence now shows only 10 percent of all UFO abductions result in aliens impregnating the victim with thousands of eggs.”
Whew!!
This is absolutely true, as far as my own experience goes.
When I was a kid, my mom married an alien from Alpha Centauri. His name was Glaxxon. One night, when mom was out with her girlfriends, Glaxxon came into my room. He gave me some alien juice, and showed me some pictures of aliens without any clothes on. Then, just like that, he abducted me.
This went on for several months, with Glaxxon abducting me whenever mom went out for a few hours. I didn’t tell anybody because Glaxxon told me it was all my fault, because I acted like I wanted to be abducted.
Eventually, mom caught Glaxxon abducting a lady who worked at the Indian casino, and she kicked him out. I was very relieved. But then, one day I was walking to my friend’s house when a white van pulled up next to me. An alien was driving and another alien was seated next to him. I was sure they were going to abduct me, because I’d always heard about kids getting abducted by aliens driving around in white vans.
To my surprise, though, the aliens weren’t interested in abducting me. They just wanted directions to a farm, where they were going to mutilate some cattle. What a relief!
It just goes to show you that you have more to fear from the alien who lives in your house than you do from the ones who drive around in vans.
Every alien abduction I have personal knowledge of has been done by space aliens from right here in our own galaxy.
Thanks for posting this, Lenore. Did you know that, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, over 90% of apprehended alien abductors give up their abducting ways, get a regular job, buy a split level in the ‘burbs, and become law-abiding citizens of earth? Of course, their ability to do so is seriously hampered by the popular Alien Abductor Registries, which broadcast photographs and addresses of former abductors.
And what’s really horrible is they’re prevented from living anywhere within 1/4 mile of humans.
“And what’s really horrible is they’re prevented from living anywhere within 1/4 mile of humans.”
… or in a planetary system with schools or child-care centers.
A lot of the abductions are part of custody disputes and are not necessarily connected with any type of sexual misbehavior.
Ha! I actually came to FreeRange kids today because I was just reading this Onion Article and it made me think of the blog. Made my morning to see it as the top post 🙂
Mom Leaves Daughter in Car, Daughter Survives, Mom Dies in Bank Robbery
Lenore, you really are Reason’s dumbest writer, and that’s saying a lot. Your twisted sense of justice and mendacious storytelling is surpassed only by the responses of your obedient puppets in the commentariat.
http://reason.com/blog/2014/07/21/mom-leaves-daughter-in-car-daughter-surv
Todd, would you care to explain to us exactly what is wrong about what Lenore wrote there? Or is angry name-calling all you’re up for?
Last time I was abducted by aliens, I probed them!
A bit off-topic, but for what it’s worth, a three-year-old boy who was walking around ALL ALONE in a church parking lot in Knoxville, Tenn., saved an elderly man last week who was trapped inside a hot car.
It’s man bites dog, y’all!
Astonishingly, no one was arrested, and the boy wasn’t placed in foster care. No one was probed by aliens, even though aliens are known to hang around church parking lots, waiting for the chance to abduct children who don’t stick close to their parents.
Victory for the human race!
@Todd Gakk: “you really are Reason’s dumbest writer, and that’s saying a lot.”
That kinda makes me expect all the other writers on Reason graduated from Harvard rather than Yale… LOL.