CAUTION: MAY CAUSE LAUGHTER “Warning Label for a Ball” Contest Results!

In light of the annual kzdtkyfysb
warnings about “dangerous” toys
, and these litigious times in general, we asked you to come up with the ultimate — a trial lawyer’s sweetest dream, the insurance industry’s wish come true: A warning label for a ball. Because when there are NO ACCIDENTS, the world is your courtroom!

Contest winner will receive an autographed copy of my book, but these are all so fun. Thanks to everyone who entered, even those who did so on Twitter. And please, please watch out for spherical objects. Fun kills!



Caution! Sharp edges. – Neil S.


WARNING: This is a toy and not to be used as an actual ball. — Matthew Trescher

Warning: Ball carries germs. Wash after each use. — Alana

Do not insert into urethra. — Twitter entry

For decorative purposes only. — Christina

Not to be used as a flotation device. — Adam Kampia

Do not operate without protective goggles. — Shelly Stow

Device does not provide a stable support. Do not attempt to sit or stand upon the ball. — Scott

Toy may change direction unpredictably when impacting an object. — Jim C.

Chasing this object could cause fatigue. — John B.

For educational purposes only. Not to be taken internally. Do not play “ball” while driving. — Bob Magee

For recreational purposes only. Do not use as a metaphor for having a great time. Do not use as a metaphor for masculinity or courage. Do not confuse with a formal dance. – Kenny Felder

Not to be used to exclude other children. — Backroads

To avoid risk of serious injury or death, always wear groin protection. Do not roll or throw ball near a street, drain, sewer, or body of water without adult supervision. Do not throw ball while under the influence of drugs or alcohol. If you have high blood pressure or diabetes, consult your doctor before attempting to throw ball. — Rick

Warning, if you bounce this too high it might break through the ceiling causing the house to cave in on you. –Alaina, age 12

To be used on padded surfaces only. Use of a helmet is recommended. If any hole or tear develops discard immediately. – Jessica

Not to be used by children under 13. –Sally


WARNING: Balls may be bigger than brains. – Lollipoplover


Do not insert into urethra.

Do not insert into urethra.


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10 Responses to CAUTION: MAY CAUSE LAUGHTER “Warning Label for a Ball” Contest Results!

  1. Troutwaxer November 29, 2016 at 12:24 am #

    “Do not insert into urethra.” Damn, that was perfect!

  2. WendyW November 29, 2016 at 12:48 am #

    The final one on the list is appropriate for every male between 14 and 30 years of age.

  3. Roger the Shrubber November 29, 2016 at 1:34 pm #

    Darnit, too late. My submission:

    WARNING: May contain peanut products

  4. acm November 29, 2016 at 3:59 pm #

    wonderful entries! thanks for the giggles…

  5. Fritz Menzl November 29, 2016 at 6:55 pm #

    Harmfull, if swallowed!

  6. ChicagoDad November 29, 2016 at 7:26 pm #

    Warning: Ball play may become addictive and lead to spontaneous, unsupervised outdoor group play. Signs of ball play dependence include a desire to play with the ball in inclement weather, pressuring peers to play ball, watching others play ball and collecting ball-play-related memorabilia and apparel. Ball play dependence may be treated with indoor rest, medication and video games. Ball play dependence is a serious condition that may lead to knee injuries and concussions. Consult your physician if you suspect that you or a loved one has developed a ball-playing addiction.

  7. Barry Lederman November 29, 2016 at 9:09 pm #

    Caution Sharp Edges is hilarious!

  8. Nini November 29, 2016 at 10:27 pm #

    Thanks for all the absurdity-ness. 🙂

    Here’s mine: Playing with ball may interfere with previous safety instructions about stranger danger.

  9. James Pollock November 30, 2016 at 1:27 am #

    Seek medical attention immediately if you have symptoms of a heart attack or stroke.

  10. BL November 30, 2016 at 2:52 am #

    “Seek medical attention immediately if you have symptoms of a heart attack or stroke”

    … or an erection lasting more than four hours.