Hi bikizbzbbk
Readers — Here’s the latest from the world that wants to keep you safe. Very safe. Safer than safer. Safer than SANE:
RECALL NOTICE: Chuck E. Cheese’s is voluntarily recalling its Light-Up Ring and Star Glasses. The ring comes in blue, green, purple, yellow, and pink colors, and the glasses come in a red color. The Light-Up Ring was either sold as part of a promotional treasure chest cup from August 2009 through June 25, 2010 or distributed, at no cost, during several Parent-Teacher Association conventions in April 2009, July 2009 and March 2010 through May 2010. The Star Glasses were distributed as part of our Birthday Star package beginning April 2010 through August 2010.
If crushed or pulled apart, the plastic casing on these products may break and possibly expose the batteries, which could pose an ingestion hazard to children.
And while we’re at it, I’d like to voluntarily recall every milk carton in America. If slashed with a knife and cut into little pieces, or blown up with a homemade nuclear device, these “carton bits” could, if ingested,  lodge in children’s throats, posing a choking hazard.
And I invite you to come up with a recall of your own!
Zap-O-Matic Inc voluntarily recalls their Zap-O-Matic line of pacemakers. If a grandfather with a pacemaker is hacked to pieces by an evil axe murderer, the pacemaker might be damaged in such a way that the unit’s battery might pose a choking hazard for children.
God is voluntarily recalling one of His early creations, rocks. Rocks come in many shapes, sizes and colors. This recall will be difficult to achieve because they are often called stones, pebbles, any many other names, hiding their true sinister qualities. Rocks were distributed throughout the world, at various times and through various means.
Rocks could pose a hazard to children if crushed, pulled apart, thrown, held, swallowed, tripped upon or otherwise encountered by a child.
The FDA has issued a mass recall of all food. Food, when not chewed thoroughly and swallowed properly can cause a choking hazard. As outlined in our ten page pamphlet, mailed to every household in America, and paid for with your tax dollars, the proper method for chewing various types of foods is illustrated.
Due to the failure of the Us Postal service to deliver these pamphlets, we have closed every food outlet in America, and ceased the sale and delivery of all food. This is for your protection. Remember, if not thoroughly chewed in the prescribed manner, choking may occur.
Please enjoy your liquid diet.
Evolution, LLC, is issuing a recall for all homosapiens from birth up through adulthood. . Homosapiens are capable of pushing, pulling, punching, touching, tickling, sneezing, coughing, falling, kicking, screaming, laughing, smiling, frowning, feeling, eating, breathing, looking, listening, thinking and not thinking. These beings, if left unsupervised, can pose a hazard to … everything. Should you possess or encounter a homosapien, please dispose of at once. At this time, Evolution, LLC, is not accepting returns, exchanges or refunds. We apologize for the inconvenience.
@Greg, while we’re at it, let’s not forget to recall sticks, as well. If a child gets a hold of said stick and runs with it, or swings it at someone else, it could scratch them or poke their eye out. And remember “It’s all fun until someone loses an eye.”
Greg and Cindy – liquids could cause drowning. We need to recall all lakes, streams, oceans, etc and all of the liquid diets drinks.
schools in this area shut down because they realized the danger of pointy writing instruments.
they also evacuated all the residences when it was pointed out that some idiot put electrical outlets 12 inches off the floor. this is seen as a direct assault on toddler safety…
Microsoft is voluntarily recalling all computers. These items, if dismantled with tools or weapons, contain many small parts that could pose as a choking hazard as well as electrical hazards. Also, all wired peripherals are being recalled due the dangerous nature and possible strangling hazards posed by cords. All wireless peripherals are being recalled due to the dangers of batteries.
The government warned today that a new product, ‘life’, is sexually transmitted and has a 100% fatality rate. Parents are urged to watch for signs of life, as anyone who catches it will inevitably die.
Manufacturers of soft luggage have announced a total recall of all bookbags, and will cease production immediately. It was brought to the attention of corporate executives that the shoulder straps of these bags, if detached from their adjustment points, could be used as whips or garrotes and therefore contribute to violence and bullying in schools.
When asked for comment, the designated stuffed shirt opined that ‘kids could carry their books in reusable plastic shopping bags, but then we’d have to consider that a child might put the bag over his head and suffocate (or use it to suffocate another child), so I guess I really don’t have a workable solution, sorry about that.’
I think we should recall reading, because reading can cause you to hurt your head when you bang it against your desk.
Recalling the sky, because meteors could drop out of it.
@Mike yours is fantastic!
I would like to emphasize the danger of clothes: a child could suffocate in his t-shirt or try to strangle another kid with shoelaces, or worse choke with socks (because, as everyone knows, every kid under 18 would try to taste anything that comes within reach).
That’s why every piece of cloth is being recalled from shops and houses.
The new big issue is now how to protect our defenless kids from the outrage of nudity.
I’d like to issue a recall of sanity. oh, wait…. they already did that didn’t they?
The EPA has ordered an immediate recall and sequestering of all subatomic particles. When combined into atoms, these dangerous particles can be used to create molecules. Molecules are the basic building blocks of such substances as poisonous gases, hot stuff, and pointy things, which could be dangerous to children under 3.
Recall issued for the sun. May cause sunburns due to prolonged exposure. Direct viewing of sun may cause retinal damage. Heat provided by sun may cause exposed items to become hot.
Flashlights will be issued to make up for the loss of light.
Next week: all flashlights will be recalled due to laceration hazards.
Maybe we should recall food. You never know when some child is going to choke on a fruit, ham sandwich, chicken, etc… Of course it’s unlikely, but people have choked on food before, you can never be too careful. Let’s add water to that
Hell, I’ll agree with Hayley too. Maybe god should should do a recall on humans, after all we are the cause of pretty much every bad thing in this world. Be it war, decease, greed, even irrational thinking that causes people to be so paranoid. We have put this world to sh*t, WE MUST BE RECALLED.
Correction…all idiots, dummies, paranoid and ignorant people must be recalled. THAT would make a safer world for our children. Who won’t grow up to be idiots, dummies, paranoid and ignorant people.
So why does Chuck E. Cheese recognize the choking hazard (stupid as it may be) of the plastic toys, and yet ignore the fact that their pizza could kill a bull elephant? Priorities, folks!
I’m just glad that cars, horses, dogs, and swimming pools have evidently been grandfathered in.
All solid food has now been recalled because if chewed to small sizes may accidentially choke on it.
Chewing gum, especially big wads of bubble gum, have been recalled as a choking hazard.
Outdoor air has been recalled because sometimes it contains pollution.
Gravity has been recalled. A major source of falls, gravity has been found to be hazardous to the very young and very old in particular.
I have nothing clever to add. However, I would like to thank all of you for making me smile on what so far has been a really crappy day. 🙂
wanted to give you an to discuss
http://www.connectmidmichigan.com/news/story.aspx?id=512451
Reality is being recalled, effective immediately. A source of multiple crushed hopes and dreams, it has been determined that reality is not a safe place to raise children. Effective immediately, everyone must live in their own little fantasy world.
wouldn’t it be great if there was a “like” button for these posts? They are amazing, and creative!
I nominate (Hayley) as having the best one so far.
Me, I have several.
(1) I’m not going to save the best for last, I’m going to get to it first, because it’s the most obvious & has been mentioned before in other contents.
Thus: Ford, GM, Chrysler, Toyota, Honda, Nissan, Mazda, Mitsubishi, Subara, Daimler-Benz, BMW, Volvo (the car of safety, mind you), Saab, Jaguar, VW–all of the above listed manufacturers are announcing a recall of every single vehicle made. Since there are in the tens of thousands of highway traffic deaths per year, to say nothing of the injuries–some of which lead to paralysis & loss of functionality–it is irresponsible to continue to have any cars of any type whatsoever.
(2) Burger King is set to announce they will no longer offer ice with their sodas. After all, you or your “beautiful children” could choke on them.
No plans for recalling the sodas or food, just the ice.
(3) The H&W Apartment Complex has announced they’re “de-roofing” all of their apartments & replacing the roof with plastic tarp. After all, a roof could collapse. Likewise, all apartments at H&W will now be ground-floor apartments, as to eliminate the risk of upstairs neighbors’ floors (your roof) caving in under their weight.
(4) All computer keyboards are being recalled & replaced with “flat” types. All typists like me, who can type 75 words per minute, but depend on physical feedback for this, be warned–this is now a thing of the past, as all new keyboards will be “flat-panel” much like touch-screen keyboards on an Android smartphone. Why? Too much risk of a key popping loose & becoming a choke hazard.
No plans yet on requiring all keyboards to be wireless, to eliminate all choke hazards courtesy of wiring, but such a plan is said to be in the works.
(5) All toenail clippers are being recalled–pinch hazard
(6) No more metal soup cans, they will all be plastic–they hurt if they fall on a child’s head
(7) No more DVDs or CDs–too many children using them as frisbees and hitting other kids in the head, giving them cuts. No plans YET to recall all ceramic dinner plates & replace them with plastic for the same reason–yet.
(8) On a related note, no more caps for flash-USB drives–not because people lose them (which they do), but because a kid could eat them & choke
(9) PepsiCo Inc has announced “flip-top” 2 liter bottles of soda. Apparently children are swallowing the loose caps, so PepsiCo will now apparently have those “flip-top” caps much like bottles of shampoo, dishwashing detergent etc. Apparently this leads to the soda having no more vitality via carbonation, but PepsiCo has stated “safety first, who needs carbonation anyway?”
That’s all, folks!
I vote that Mike wins! Yes, life is hazardous and none of us gets out alive!
Anything can be misused and classified either as a hazard or in the case of Homeland Insecurity as a weapon. The airport should confiscate Mentos candies because someone might drop them into a Diet Coke to create a foamy diversion to blind and then overpower the flight crew.
These comments show how easy it is to imagine new dangers that others may take seriously. Misusing an item can either case harm, needless panic or serve as an inspiration to create better things. Sometimes those that are clever enough to figure out a new use for an existing product may also be clever enough to help develop a new industry. Early personal computer geeks used a toy whistle from a sugary kid’s cereal to make free phone calls. (That trick no longer works.)
In happy news (I’m never on topic anymore, am I? Sheesh.) here’s an article about a kid who rides a horse to school, and nobody freaks out, threatens to sue the parents, or calls it child endangerment:
http://www.philly.com/philly/living/20100916_Gladwyne_teen_takes_unusual_transportation_to_Haverford_School.html
I say we recall cellars because you could walk into one and an ax could fall on your head.
You guys are making me LMAO. 😉 I saw this story on the news last night and first things I though of was Free Range Kids.
This reminds me of Bruce Schneier’s annual Movie-Plot (Terrorism) Threat Contest.
My favorite was the second annual contest, where the objective was to “invent a terrorist plot to hijack or blow up an airplane with a commonly carried item as a key component. The component should be so critical to the plot that the TSA will have no choice but to ban the item once the plot is uncovered.”
The winner came up with a story that required water to be banned from all passenger flights. 🙂
Let’s recall all baseballs, because as can be seen here: http://expertontheworld.blogspot.com/2010/09/gasp-gasp-help-me-im-choking.html, they’re a (cough cough) choking hazard!
Tray
Lots of creativity in the comments here. I hope some of you expand this topic on your blogs. I still think all companies need to begin using disclaimers that read something like this:
———–
WARNING !
All of our products and/or services may in some way lead to your death.
Life itself is full of hazards. Anything you eat could be choked on and kill you. You could fall downstairs and die.
we want you to be advised that while most of our customers have no problems with our products or services, the odds are that some people will use our products or services in unintended ways that may be fatal.
My status on Facebook when I read this email:
Product recalled because if your child destroys it the batteries may get exposed. Seriously? It’s almost like a Duh thing. Of course that will happen, the object was destroyed after all.
This highlights a real danger with Safety Mania, namely, boy-who-cried-wolf syndrome. How do we know at this point when to take a recall seriously?
If this Chuck E Cheese toy uses those silver button batteries I might actually be inclined to take it seriously. This article convinced me to be careful to keep those button batteries away from babies: http://dreev.es/b
I heard rumours that they were going to recall common sense, but decided not to because it was fast becoming obsolete.
The National Dairy Council recently announced that it is recalling ice cream. That’s right–ice cream. This cold, sugary delicacy enjoyed by children for years can cause severe danger if not handled properly. The cone, if broken, can spear the roof of a child’s mouth causing bleeding. If severe cone breakage is present, the liquid can seep into pourous surfaces such as skin, clothing and household fabrics. One of the most dangerous side effects of ice cream, if ingested, is brain freeze.
The tops on plastic bottles. My (not babies anymore) kids will still stick them in their mouths occasionally!
What your article fails to mention is that one child swallowed a battery and another stuck one up her nose. OK, not horrible, but it puts Chuck E. Cheese in the crosshairs of a pair of lawsuits. Say what you want, I’d do the same thing.
I’m usually on board with the outrages, and some funny comments here, but note that this is not about choking, but ingesting. Swallowing batteries is a real problem (this blog went around a while back, bringing this issue to national attention: http://hazelana.blogspot.com/2008/12/empty.html). Should we eliminate all batteries? Obviously not. But is it reasonable to make it very difficult for little kids to get to them, especially the tiny ones? I’d say yes.
What shouldn’t we recall? Has no one seen the “Final Destination” movies? (sorry if those have been brought up, I just skimmed the amazing recalls?
@ Mike. That was fantastic and I may never forget it. Classic. Hands down winner.
Oh, how I wish there was a “like” button on here. So many great recalls…
The government has issued a full recall of lungs, pending an investigation of cancer risks that can occur through their regular use. If you have lungs, please take them to your local recall location, and proper replacements will be mailed to you in 5-10 business days.
HOT OFF THE PRESS:
God is recalling all “questions” issued to anyone under the age of 16. These have been found to be extremely dangerous when launched at adults and have been known to result in voltile behaviour and even the occasional bit of violent expletive.
Of particular concern are those questions issued to under 5s, which seem to prove lethal to any adult’s sanity. Tests have shown that a perfectly sane adult can suffer extreme side-affects such as migraine, out-of-character outburst and even uncontrollable crying.
To recall your questions, please take your child to their nearest medical centre where the questions can either be extracted via the threat of a labotomy or their voice box can be removed until adulthood.
Also being recalled are household dust particles, these have been known to get in your eye and make you blind, get in your throat and make you asthmatic, get up your nose and cause severe sneezing, get all over your furniture and make things look dusty (funny that). Anyway, you get the point, they are just plain bad.
So, if you can please collect all your dust and ship it to a Mr George W. Bush who plans to use it to fill the large cavity between his ears 🙂 Sorry to those disciples!
All sights unapproved by MOE are being recalled. Any human and adolescent, who have seen or studied sights or knowledge not expressly distributed by standards-compliant schools, are required to come immediately to the nearest hospital for a forgettion treatment. Warning! Such sights pose a danger of mental illness, and physical injury as result of the addictive nature of forbidden knowledge.
The recall also includes any bytes of data transmitted to your computer by means of modem since 1/1/1995 and wireless internt since 11/9/2001
I’d be happy if Chuck E. Cheese’s just cleaned the ballpit more than once or twice a week. Over-excited kids relieve themselves in it constantly. Having known teenagers who worked there, the stories could make you lose your inedible pizza, and been dragooned into attending parties there, tI’d gladly chew broken plastic rather than ever go back.
I am sure the children who get this toy are strong enough to smash it on the ground, stomp it to pieces, rip out the battery and eat. Can’t be to safe. Why doesn’t this sound far fetch to every thinking adult?
Sorry, off-topic, but didn’t know how else to send this in (and all the other cool kids seem to add to the current post comments)
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-york-north-yorkshire-11340226
BBC article (no Daily Mail this time 😉 ) about a school cancelling recess due to neighbour noise complaints. Seriously, how disturbing can noise be for 2 30 minute sessions DURING the school day be?
Air should definitely be recalled. It could be contaminated with any number of nasty allergens and/or pollutants. Whatever you do, PLEASE stop breathing it in, or you’ll DIE!!!
(Hey, wait a minute…if we all stop breathing it in…um…never mind.)
Um, I’m actually not going to be outraged about this one. If a company is giving out things to small children, and becomes aware that those toys are needlessly dangerous, a recall is in order. I appear to be in the minority here, but I’m not a fan of mocking a company that tries to do the right thing when it becomes aware that there are needless risks to one of its products. Shattered plastic and small batteries that are swallow-able are REAL dangers, not imaginary ones, to toddlers and very young children.
The recall is not mandatory, it’s just an alert, so if parents are not concerned about the toy in question, you don’t have to send it back.
I would like to recall Cindy’s FDA 10 page pamphlet because when parents who have common sense read it they will rip it to shreads causing a choking hazzard for children. The logical parent ( but those have been recalled already) will of course clean up the mess but they may miss a particle therfore causing the choking hazzard.
chavisory, the point is that this object is no more dangerous than any other object that can be broken. It has to be BROKEN and THEN abused (by ingesting the batteries) in order for it to cause any harm. And it has to be broken by significant stress in order for this sequence of events to happen. I’m guessing a toddler can’t even inflict that kind of damage on a toy, maybe at all, and definitely without causing a serious enough accident that someone’s going to show up before anything worse happens. Only if this “recall” is premised on the idea that parents don’t generally watch their kids enough to keep them broadly safe does it make sense, and on that assumption, there’s absolutely NOTHING that couldn’t be a hazard under the right conditions.
The idea that young kids can’t be allowed to touch or handle anything but things made out of single molds of indestructible soft plastic is just plain over the top.
@Mike, sheer genius! 🙂
personally, i’m all for any recall that removes some of these junky plastic toys from my house. not because they’re a danger to children, but because they hurt when stepped on.
pentamom–Actually, it sounds like this toy *is* more dangerous than the average object or toy that anyone might have around the house. Given the knowledge that small children will put things in their mouths, if the plastic is too easily broken, and the thing has tiny little batteries, the risks of toddlers swallowing the batteries is actually significant.
I’m with Chuck E. Cheese here. The toy is pointlessly, stupidly dangerous, and they’re trying to do the right thing recalling it.
It doesn’t say the plastic is “too easily broken,” though. It says if the thing is crushed or pulled apart, it can break. That’s true of countless things around my house, and is true of many toys.
The toy is pointlessly, stupidly dangerous because it’s pointless and stupid to begin with. Everything about it is pointless and stupid. But the reasoning for recalling it is a function of an overly paranoid/litigious society.
All this is funny and I am completely on board with free range kids, but this button battery thing is a poor example of insanity. It’s not the choking hazard so much as the fact that lithium batteries leak alkaline and can very rapidly and seriously damage a child’s esophagus if swallowed. Look it up. Handing out stuff to kids requires some responsible thought, and the lithium battery danger is one that doctors are just catching on to. It seems like a good idea to publicize it.
Ok. I declare a recall on brussel sprouts. Thousands of children suffer every year from forced consumption of these despicable vegetables, thus injuring self esteem and a possible tastebud or two. Surely they will never recover. I am a 31 year old brussel sprout survivor urging this country to think about what they are doing to our children!!!!