The Lion, The Witch and the Car Seat

Hey Readers ! Let’s have a little fun. (Or a lot — up to you.) After reading the post below this one, regarding the kids left home alone in “The Cat In The Hat,” a grad student named Aaron Mulvaney wrote:

Don’t aaatayerza
forget, “And To Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street!” The poor kid has to walk home by himself on, like, the sidewalk.

Of course, “And To Think I Saw It Out of the Backseat Window of My Mom’s Minivan on The Way to Soccer Practice!” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.

Which got me thinking: Why don’t we come up with the names of some classic, Free-Ranging kids books re-written for these modern, cautious times? Things like, “Alice and Her Caregiver’s Adventures in Wonderland.” And,  “Are You There, Mom? It’s Me, Margaret. Text Me.” And the indoor adventure of a boy and his dog,  “Lassie, Stay Home.”

You get the idea. Pile on!

162 Responses to The Lion, The Witch and the Car Seat

  1. Alison January 20, 2010 at 6:07 am #

    Ramona The Brave Because Her Mother Is Keeping A Close Eye On Her

  2. Vickie J. January 20, 2010 at 6:10 am #

    “Where the Wild Things Are Lonely because Max is on Ritalin”

  3. Janis January 20, 2010 at 6:20 am #

    Goodnight Moon-shaped light on my video surveillance monitor

  4. Jess T. January 20, 2010 at 6:20 am #

    “Oh, The Places You’ll Wish Your Parents Had Let You Go”

  5. Jess T. January 20, 2010 at 6:26 am #

    “Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse Confiscated at Schoolhouse Door; Charges Pending”

  6. Lucy January 20, 2010 at 6:29 am #

    Betsy Tacy and Tib Ask Their Mommies to Schedule a Playdate

  7. June January 20, 2010 at 6:30 am #

    “Pat the Bunny And Then Slather Your Hands With Purell.”

  8. brian January 20, 2010 at 6:31 am #

    This is more along the lines of politically correct, but the whole serious just makes me fall over laughing:

    Speaking of which, this isn’t about political correctness, its not “Newspeak” from 1984.. What are we going to call this re-wording of things to protect the children? Helicopter-ese?

  9. Lori January 20, 2010 at 6:36 am #

    The Runaway Bunny with the Implantable Chip

  10. Lisa K January 20, 2010 at 6:38 am #

    “Don’t Worry, Honey, Phantoms are Make-Believe and We Have a Speed Pass, Anyway”

  11. Kaje January 20, 2010 at 6:38 am #

    Charlie and the Whole Foods Distribution Center

  12. Lori January 20, 2010 at 6:39 am #

    The Princess and the Pea and the Resulting Lawsuit

  13. Lori January 20, 2010 at 6:41 am #

    James and the Giant Organic Peach

  14. Matthew January 20, 2010 at 6:42 am #

    Curious George Watches TV

  15. Corey January 20, 2010 at 6:46 am #

    Reminds me of the old adage, “Subdivisions are where they cut down the trees and name the streets after them.”

    Maybe we need a new adage, “Stolen childhoods… now resurrected in cute books as bedtime stories.”

    My little Max has been finding his own way to where the wild things are lately. He’s more likely to tell us about that trip than ask for a story from his books. Fine with me. Carry on, kiddo.

  16. amy January 20, 2010 at 6:49 am #

    Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs FALLING FROM THE SKY AAAAAAAAAGH

  17. Into The Wild! January 20, 2010 at 6:52 am #

    “The Wind in the Willows: Tornado Watch.”

    “The Secret Garden as Viewed Through the Off-Site Video Monitor.”

    “Little Women Under House Arrest for Inappropriate Hugging.”

    Shall I go on? -]>_<[-

  18. tana January 20, 2010 at 6:52 am #

    The Steadfast Tin Soldier that You Must Never, Ever Touch Because of Unacceptable Levels of Tin

    Curious George Doesn’t Go Anywhere

    Brown Bear, Brown Bear, Do You See Me Calling Animal Control?

    Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Life

    If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, Expect Rabies Shots Immediately

    The Little Engine That Could, But Wasn’t Allowed To

    And finally,

    Sarah, Plain and Tall, Bored and Fat

  19. ryan January 20, 2010 at 6:52 am #

    Charlie and the individually wrapped 100 calorie serving of free trade chocolate.

  20. Lori January 20, 2010 at 6:53 am #

    The Giving-if-it’s-okay-with-Mom-and-Dad Tree

  21. HSmom January 20, 2010 at 7:06 am #

    Frog and Toad Play Gameboy

    Harold and the Purple, Crayola No-Mess Marker

    The Snowy Day When Peter Stays in and Watches TV

  22. Bambs January 20, 2010 at 7:08 am #

    Hahaha…this has totally made my afternoon! Thanks everyone!

    Where the Sidewalk Ends at My Driveway

  23. Lori January 20, 2010 at 7:12 am #

    Stay away from Harry the Dirty Dog

  24. Lori January 20, 2010 at 7:13 am #

    Ten Little Monkeys Sitting Quietly on the Bed

  25. Meagan January 20, 2010 at 7:19 am #

    One fish, two fish, red fish, mercury poisoning.

    Where the sidewalk is: too close to the road.

  26. Carla January 20, 2010 at 7:19 am #

    Cat in the Hat II: Here comes DCFS.
    Dept of Children and Family Services

  27. Daddio2B January 20, 2010 at 7:27 am #

    Gary Paulsen’s, “Dull Butter Knife”

  28. Amy Kraft January 20, 2010 at 7:28 am #

    Pippi Longstocking Goes to Social Services
    The Secret, Chaperoned Garden
    The Lion, The Witch, and the Barricaded Wardrobe
    Complacent George

  29. Nicola January 20, 2010 at 7:29 am #

    Clifford the Big Red Hypoallergenic Dog

    Fourteen Bears in Summer and Winter as Viewed at the Zoo

    Francis Eats Whole Grain Spaghetti and Vegan “Wheatballs”

    My favorite above is from Jess T. – Oh the Places You’ll Wish Your Parents Had Let You Go – I laughed out loud! Thank you!

  30. chocolateuniverse January 20, 2010 at 7:47 am #

    Madelaline in Paris with an embedded chip
    (Madeline in paris)

    If I ran a few feet and then mom called me
    (If i ran the circus)

    How the jen stole ted’s nintendo, then got grounded for a week
    (How the grinch stole christmas)

    I’m still here in the bathtub with purell and lice shampoo
    (im still here in the bathtub)

    little red riding hood that never got lost because she has a GPS on her blackberry
    (Little red riding hood)

  31. Lori January 20, 2010 at 7:49 am #

    Sit Near Pop (Used to be “Hop On Pop” but Pop might get hurt)

  32. HSmom January 20, 2010 at 7:53 am #

    Prepackaged Blueberries for Sal

    Chicka-Chicka NO Boom-Boom (The Helmet Edition)

    The Lonely Doll Doesn’t Talk to People

    The Emperor’s New Clothes Got Him a Permanent Spot on the Sex Offenders List

  33. Doesnotwishtobenamed January 20, 2010 at 8:00 am #

    chicka chicka, get out of that tree
    (chicka chicka boom boom)

    Goldilocks and the three caged bears wearing thick kitchen mits over their claws.

    The billy goats cautious

    The Tortoise, The Hare, and their helmets

    The Beauty who was too aware of stranger danger to eat the poison apple and didn’t fell asleep

    Beauty and the beast with an up-to-date rabies vaccine

  34. charles January 20, 2010 at 8:06 am #

    An Energy Saving Light in the Attic

    Where the Sidewalk Ends (and you are not allowed to go)

  35. tana January 20, 2010 at 8:13 am #

    The Many Playdates of Winnie the Pooh

  36. Robyn January 20, 2010 at 8:20 am #

    Goodnight, Gorilla I Saw on Animal Planet

    The Babysittees Club

    The Little Engine that Didn’t Risk It

    Charlotte’s Web Meets Raid

  37. Lisa January 20, 2010 at 8:25 am #

    Encyclopedia Brown and the Case of the Missing Childhood

  38. CGDH January 20, 2010 at 8:38 am #

    Little House in the Sidewalk-less Gated Community

  39. Diane January 20, 2010 at 8:41 am #

    Tales of of Fourth Grade Nothing that Damages Your Self-Esteem.

  40. Diane January 20, 2010 at 8:43 am #

    Whoops, didn’t proofread before submitting. My bad.

  41. Sara January 20, 2010 at 8:51 am #

    Where the Wild Things Might Be, but We’re not Entirely Sure Because Mom and Dad Won’t Schedule a Playdate With Such Poor Behavior Models

    Eeps, Creeps, It’s my Mommy-Cleaned Room

    Harry Potter Doesn’t do Anything Because Kids are Never Allowed out of Arms’ Reach

  42. Bob Davis January 20, 2010 at 9:18 am #

    “The Railway Children [are taken in to custody by Child Protective Services]”
    Somebody really did come up with “Little Plaid Sambo”
    Then there’s Stan Freberg’s “Elderly Man River”, where “Old Man River” is bowdlerized because the “tiny tots” might be listening.
    One of my favorite childhood books was “Mike Mulligan and his Steam Shovel” to which we could now add “Get Shut Down by OSHA.”

  43. Layne January 20, 2010 at 9:20 am #

    Charlotte’s Safety Net

  44. Kelly January 20, 2010 at 9:41 am #

    The Carl Books, the parents always leave the baby with the dog.

  45. JenJen January 20, 2010 at 9:52 am #

    Dick and Jane>>>>>> a boy with an unfortunate nickname and Jane
    See Jane run.
    See Dick…….that’s as far you’ll get with that smut, mister.

    Blubber by Judy Blume would be
    “Young Lady with a Glandular Disorder”

  46. JeninCanada January 20, 2010 at 9:54 am #

    OMG I’m laughing so hard I have tears streaming down my face. Thanks everyone.

  47. Phoebe January 20, 2010 at 9:56 am #

    Mickey in the Baby-Proofed Kitchen With His Clothes On (really, how sanitary could that milk *be* once he swam nekkid in it?)

    How the Magician’s Nephew Was Taken Away by CPS

  48. HSmom January 20, 2010 at 9:58 am #

    Harriet the Couch Potato

  49. Rich Wilson January 20, 2010 at 10:05 am #

    “The Great Brain that Went to Waste”.

  50. kathryn January 20, 2010 at 10:10 am #

    These are really witty! I enjoyed. My contribution:

    The House That Jack Built with a Zoning Permit and According to OSHA Standards

    Hippos Go Berserk and the Cops Come

  51. Lilly January 20, 2010 at 10:16 am #

    The Speed Challenged Little Puppy (Poky Little Puppy)

  52. Blake January 20, 2010 at 10:24 am #

    It’s bad that the first thing I thought of when I read “It’s me, Margaret” is an old Ray Stevens song (“It’s me again, Margaret”)…

    “Children Abducted: the Story of Peter Pan and Wendy”

    “Mary Poppins in the Child-Proof Playroom”

    “Sara Crewe”, or “What Never Happens at Miss Minchin’s Boarding School”

  53. Lori January 20, 2010 at 10:33 am #

    Mr. Snitzel’s Gluten-Free, Dairy Free, No Salt, No Sugar Pretzels. (Mr. Snitzel’s Cookies, one of my childhood favorites, about not judging people by appearance.)

  54. Q January 20, 2010 at 10:41 am #

    You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown…but Just in Case, We’ll Need Fingerprints and a Background Check

  55. E January 20, 2010 at 10:42 am #

    The Little Engine that Could Ask His Mother for Help

  56. E January 20, 2010 at 10:49 am #

    Choose Your Own Mini-Van Adventure: Soccer, Softball or Swimming?

  57. ebohlman January 20, 2010 at 11:07 am #

    Rudolph the Sunscreen-Nosed Reindeer
    Santa and his Elves and the Wage and Hour Department
    Jack and the Beanstalk and the Therapist who testified that it was all about his dad molesting him

  58. gramomster January 20, 2010 at 11:25 am #

    Harriet the Spy-ing From Her Safe Bedroom Window

    The Mouse and the Push-Scooter in the Well-Supervised Cul-de-Sac

  59. Christy January 20, 2010 at 11:46 am #

    Charlie and the Fiber Glass Elevator with Safety Straps.

  60. Sammi January 20, 2010 at 11:58 am #

    The Miracle Green Eggs and Ham Diet: Get Your Kid Into Harvard!

    Second printing: The Evil Green Eggs and Ham Diet: New studies show that green eggs and ham cause cancer.

  61. Nicola January 20, 2010 at 12:11 pm #

    Who could forget “Hatchet?!” Ultimate survival of a 13-year-old boy lost in the woods after a plane crash. Still an awesome book even for adults to read. 🙂

  62. Katie January 20, 2010 at 12:42 pm #

    hatchet could be “specially designed, left-handed safety scissors.”

  63. Meguey January 20, 2010 at 1:08 pm #

    The Elephant and Very Polite Baby

    The Not Really How It Happened Stories

    Mogli’s Adventures in His Own Back Yard

  64. Flipper January 20, 2010 at 1:12 pm #

    The Adventures of Tom’s Lawyer
    The Hospitalizations of Chuck, the Very Thin
    Auntie Tame
    Make Way for Bird Flu
    Make Way for 529(b)s
    A Child’s Ballet Rehearsals
    A Child’s Warden of Purses
    Now We Are Set
    Now We Are Sects
    Wharton Nears…Says You
    My Side of the Driveway
    The Nancy Drone Histories
    Merry Poppers and Bert the Test Prep Coach
    Blue Bookbags for Sal
    And to Think That I Bought it from Sesame Street Brand Licensed Merchandise
    In the Stainless Kitchen

  65. Coco January 20, 2010 at 1:58 pm #

    Five Little Monkeys NOT Jumping On The Bed Because They Might Receive A Serious Head Injury

    Green Eggs and Ham (Are A Leading Cause Of Childhood Obesity)

    Curious George Is High As A Kite On Ritalin

    Click, Clack, Moo – Cows That Report Safety Violations

  66. SKL January 20, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

    Little red raincoat hood
    Goldilocks and the 3 teddy bears
    Cinderella broke curfew
    The Land of Oz: how the Munchkins contributed to the delinquency of a minor
    Hide-y, who only dreamed about climbing the mountain
    Pinocchio, or the perils of walking to school
    Hansel and Gretel: RIP
    Pelle’s new mail-order suit
    The three pigs who still live with their poor mother
    Peter Rabbit visits
    Blueberry Jelly for Sal

  67. Coco January 20, 2010 at 1:59 pm #

    Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See Within The Ten Feet Around Your House?

  68. Jaynie January 20, 2010 at 2:53 pm #

    Harry Potter and the Cupboard Under The Stairs Where He Was Perfectly Fine and Safe From the Risks of Being A Wizard

    The Mud Puddle that You Will Never Have to Worry About Defeating With Your Own Ingenuity (Because You’re Inside, and Don’t Have Any)

    I’m trying to come up with something for the Paper Bag Princess, because surely that’s about as free-range as they come…but I’ve got nothing.

  69. shortylion January 20, 2010 at 3:21 pm #

    A Charlie Brown Non-Specific Winter Holiday

  70. Frau_Mahlzahn January 20, 2010 at 3:41 pm #

    Let’s ban Pippi Longstocking from all library shelfs and bookstores!

    By the way: my 12-year old daughter babysitted her younger siblings (7 and almost 3 years old) while we went out for dinner. The cell phone rang for the first time when he just had the main course — my daughter asking where to find the wipes because she needed to change her sisters diapers. The second time it rang over coffee, my son asking where to find his younger sisters favorite stuffed animal. When we came home, nobody was sleeping, but everybody was happy and proud that they did so well.

    So long,

  71. Frau_Mahlzahn January 20, 2010 at 3:42 pm #

    Oh, and: Peter and the Wolfveis Peter who has a nintendo game where a wolve eats a duck and he has to catch the wolve and rescue the day.

    So long,

  72. Phoebe January 20, 2010 at 6:18 pm #

    Clothed Mickey In The Baby-Proof Kitchen (because being naked in milk is sooo unsanitary!)

  73. Rich Demanowski January 20, 2010 at 7:00 pm #

    What are we going to call this re-wording of things to protect the children? Helicopter-ese?

    How about Bull$#1t?

    Cat in the Hat II: Here comes DCFS.
    Dept of Children and Family Services

    More like “Defenseless Children For Sale”

  74. Davonia January 20, 2010 at 10:07 pm #

    “I’m trying to come up with something for the Paper Bag Princess, because surely that’s about as free-range as they come…but I’ve got nothing.”

    How about Bubble Wrap Princess?

  75. catgirl January 20, 2010 at 10:38 pm #

    Amelia Bedelia Goes to Night School

    Pippi Longstocking Gets A Full-Time, Live-In Nanny

    Green Eggs and Ham Are Destroyed by A Hazmat Team

  76. Lola January 20, 2010 at 10:51 pm #

    My still favourite Neverending Story would be the Neverstarting Story. Bastian would be followed everywhere, so he would never get to skip lessons and read his book. It wouldn’t matter really, ’cause it’s been a long time since Fantasia succumbed…

    The Little Prince would now be The Pampered Prince…

    Gulliver’s Parent-approved Schooltrips to Several Instructive Museums Where He Wasn’t Allowed to Touch Anything or Talk to Anyone…

    Ali-Baba Calls 911…

  77. L. Vellenga January 20, 2010 at 11:36 pm #

    Nancy Drew Because She Had an Early Curfew

    The Hardy Boys and the Sit Still Challenge

    Gone-Away Childhood (i.e. Gone-Away Lake — my favorite book in 5th grade)

    Mary Poppins and the Nanny Cam

    Driving By Woods on a Snowy Evening

    From the Mixed-up-and-Creepy Files of Ms. Over-Zealous School Authority Figure

    Encyclopedia Brown and the Mysterious Question of Wat His Father Does at Work Since He Is Never Permitted to Hear of Anything Unsavory

  78. jim January 20, 2010 at 11:38 pm #

    “My Side of the Sofa”
    (Tip of the hat to Lenore for including “My Side Of The Mountain” in her book’s list of free-range videos – both the book and movie were great favorites of mine around 1970, when running away from home and living in a hollow tree seemed like a great idea.)

  79. Alana M January 20, 2010 at 11:45 pm #

    The Magic Tree House Series, But Only In Your Imagination

    Too Much Homework of a Wimpy Kid

  80. SlayBelle January 20, 2010 at 11:56 pm #

    “I’m trying to come up with something for the Paper Bag Princess, because surely that’s about as free-range as they come…but I’ve got nothing.”

    How about Bubble Wrap Princess?”

    Or, The Ecologically Conscious Reusable Grocery Sack Princess

  81. Lucy January 20, 2010 at 11:57 pm #

    Toby Tyler, or 10 weeks inside the allergen-free house, safely away from those germy politically incorrect circus things.

    The mundane life of Thomas Sawyer, from the house to the minivan to the safe-kids school zone and back again.

  82. lilly January 21, 2010 at 12:23 am #

    Jack be husky, Jack be slow, Jack be nimble with the Nintendo.

    Mary had a Grass-fed Lamb…

    The Very Hungry Catepillar Eats his Way through

    Where is Baby’s Belly Button? (NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!)

    You’re not my Mother!!!

    Sheep in their Carseats

  83. SlayBelle January 21, 2010 at 12:29 am #

    Mary Poppins and the Hidden Nanny Cam
    Where the Red Fern Grows on my GPS
    The Magic School Bus: Or How Ms. Frizzel Got Fired
    Gluten Free Bread and Organic Jam for Francis Cut Into Bite Sized Pieces
    Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark that You Will Never Get to Read and Why Doesn’t Mommy Just Go Ahead and Burn this Book, Ok?
    The 5 Little Monkeys Take Ritilian
    Carl the Crocidile Gets Taken Away By the Animal Control Police
    Charlie and the Carob Factory
    Alice’s Carefully Supervised Adventures in the Playroom
    From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler: Claudia Gets Grounded Until She’s Married
    Julie and the Hypoallergenic Dogs Remain Safely Indoors All Winter

  84. anon January 21, 2010 at 12:30 am #

    Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day and the resulting therapy sessions and prozac prescriptions.

  85. anon January 21, 2010 at 12:38 am #

    The reusable recyclable cloth bring your own cloth bag princess

  86. lilly January 21, 2010 at 1:13 am #

    Llama Llama Fire-Retardant Pajamas

  87. Ben January 21, 2010 at 1:31 am #

    Don’t Pat the Bunny
    What to expect when you run a background check on the babysitter

  88. pentamom January 21, 2010 at 1:42 am #

    The Boxcar Children Who Go Willingly to the Orphanage Because They’re Afraid to be Outside Alone

    The Bobbsey Twins Play Supervised Sports

    (Love the Mixed-Up Files reference — can you imagine that story being written today? Claudia and Jamie’s faces would be all over FoxNews and MSNBC, 24/7, and their parents would have been in counseling, instead of just waiting for them to show up.)

  89. pentamom January 21, 2010 at 2:11 am #

    Oh, and this thread is absolutely not complete without mentioning the “Good Dog, Carl” books, which can’t even be helicopter-parodied, since the entire POINT is a dog taking care of an unattended baby!

  90. Kashmir January 21, 2010 at 2:29 am #

    The Eating Disorder Caterpillar
    If You Give a Mouse A Cookie, he then goes to the dentist.

  91. Lucy January 21, 2010 at 2:33 am #

    The trumpet of the EPA protecting the endangered swans from harassment by little boys.

  92. Matt January 21, 2010 at 2:53 am #

    My Side of the Mini-Van

  93. Meredith January 21, 2010 at 3:34 am #

    “Oh the Things You Can’t Think for Yourself”

  94. Greta Koenigin January 21, 2010 at 3:53 am #

    Richard Scarry’s Busy, Busy Mommy

    Hansel and Daddy

    Sleeping Guilt

    The Very Hungry Family

    Beauty and the Job

    Charlotte’s Nanny

  95. edie January 21, 2010 at 5:17 am #

    I Can Draw Myself But An Art Class is Preferred
    Oh the Thinks You Can Think If There Were Time

  96. bequirox January 21, 2010 at 6:28 am #

    Al Gore Knows There’s a Light on in the Attic

  97. bequirox January 21, 2010 at 6:44 am #

    Alice in Daycare
    Mapquest to Terabithia
    The Strange Lady We Don’t Talk About of Blackbird Pond (I bet she’s a sex offender)
    Animals Should Definitely Wear Clothing
    The Five Brothers of Asian Descent
    Stoned Soup; Why we don’t take candy from strangers

  98. Carmela jacobitti January 21, 2010 at 7:59 am #

    My real escape today and great warm fuzzy laughs from all the clever ideas. a real economy booster is stone soup. Strega Nona??? Shoemaker in custody for permitting naked small people working in his shop after hours-oh unlimited charges. I was called a helicopter parent- I said Ok but safety first-ha ha

  99. Lola January 21, 2010 at 8:04 am #

    The Boy Who Wondered Just What a Wolf Looked Like
    Jack and the Climbing Rope in the Gym
    The Zoo Book (vs. The Jungle Book, of course)
    The Emperor’s New Clothes That Became Trendy Because the Child Was Not There To Laugh at Him (he was busy at football practice, you see)
    The Prince and The Pauper Have a Playdate (and get home on time to do homework)
    The Tin Soldier Recall
    Pinocchio Goes to Plastic Surgery (safer than rescuing his dad, why take the risk?)

  100. Riverdaughter January 21, 2010 at 8:31 am #

    The Hobbitt or See What Happens when you go off with Dwarves?

  101. Mhadley January 21, 2010 at 9:18 am #

    How about “The Efficiency Challenged Little Puppy” (The Poky Little Puppy – a Golden book I loved as a child)

  102. John Murphy January 21, 2010 at 9:24 am #

    Ender’s Video Game?

  103. Elizabeth Fuller January 21, 2010 at 9:25 am #

    Don’t Pat the Bunny (It Might Have Germs!)

  104. Steven January 21, 2010 at 10:06 am #

    How about a modern spin off of a Nickelodeon’s classic entitled, “Are you NOT afraid of the dark?”

    It’s where kids do not go to the woods (but in the living room instead) and not tell “spooky” stories. They just tell any version of a “Non spooky” happily ever after story.

  105. Steven January 21, 2010 at 10:07 am #

    O and they are supervised!!!!

  106. Jen C January 21, 2010 at 10:15 am #

    Where The Sidewalk Ends Is Where the Pedophiles Lurk in the Shadows

    If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, Make Sure It’s Gluten-Free and Not a Peanut Butter Cookie

    Little Women are Not Women Yet and Should Be Treated Accordingly

    Old Yeller Lives Happily Ever After

  107. Catherine Scott January 21, 2010 at 10:26 am #

    The Big Friendly Giant is discovered to be on the register

  108. Sarah January 21, 2010 at 10:46 am #

    The Night I Would Have Followed my Dog

  109. fighting for my children January 21, 2010 at 11:02 am #

    Francess and Thelma renamed, you better be careful when you play with thelma because her dad might be a pedophile.

  110. furious January 21, 2010 at 11:09 am #

    The pokey little puppy goes to the fair with his nanny and doesnt get left behind because his nanny holds his hand all the way.

  111. edie January 21, 2010 at 11:41 am #

    A bit off topic but…
    The Little Red Hen Loses Her Sunscreen

  112. Tracie January 21, 2010 at 12:26 pm #

    Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland Were Really All Just a Bad Dream – See, That’s What Happens When You Eat Processed Foods

    The Wizard of Oz Who Could Help Me Get Home But Auntie Em Would Freak If She Heard That I Travelled to the Emerald City With Strangers and Wearing Someone’s Else’s Potentially Germ-Infested Shoes

    The Duckling Who Wasn’t Unnattractive, Just Different

    The Boy Who Cried Wolf Because His Parents Didn’t Spend Enough Quality Time With Him

  113. edie January 21, 2010 at 12:31 pm #

    Tracie: Your Alice and the processed foods is my favorite!

  114. Kim January 21, 2010 at 1:04 pm #

    How about:

    — Doctor Dan the Bandage Man and Nurse Nancy Have Nothing to Do Because They Aren’t Allowed to Play Outside Without Constant Adult Supervision
    — We Would Help Daddy if Mommy Would Let Us
    — Unucky Mrs. Ticklefeather Gets Evicted for Keeping an Exotic Puffin as a Pet in her Penthouse Apartment
    — Doctor Squash the Doll Doctor Is A Sex Offender…Get Your Kids Away from Him Quick, Quick, Quick!
    — Because A Little Bug Went Ka-Choo, Farmer Brown Called An Exterminator. End of Story.
    — A Great Day for Up is Ruined by Overprotective Parents Insisting that Everyone Stay Down Where It’s Safer.

    I could go on, but it’s past my bedtime, and unfortunately I have to work tomorrow. (Er…today, since it’s now after midnight.)

  115. LindaLou January 21, 2010 at 1:07 pm #

    Harry Potter and the Deathly Head Cold
    Make way for Avian Flu Carriers
    The Reusable Canvas Tote Bag Princess
    Fully Enclosed, Pedestrian Walkway to Terebithia
    McElligot’s Fully Stocked Trout Pond

  116. amy January 21, 2010 at 2:42 pm #

    The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
    And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
    He had a broad face and a little round belly,
    That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly!

    Maybe that whole stanza should be circle-slashed…?

  117. N January 21, 2010 at 8:54 pm #

    “Get an H1N1 Vaccine!” Said the Elephant! “I’m Going to Sneeze!”

  118. Beatrix January 21, 2010 at 10:09 pm #

    Tom Kitten and His Sisters Get a Time Out

    Now We Are Six and Must Complete Homework Every Day

  119. Alana M January 21, 2010 at 10:59 pm #

    A GPS Tracker for Cordouroy

  120. Mrs. H. January 21, 2010 at 11:17 pm #

    James and the Giant Peach Cut Into Tiny Pieces So As Not To Present a Choking Hazard

  121. Beatrix January 22, 2010 at 12:20 am #

    The Flopsie Bunnies: Or Don’t Take Lettuce from Strangers

    Peter Rabbit Goes Shopping with His Mother

  122. pentamom January 22, 2010 at 12:59 am #

    The Safe, Child-Proofed Life of Sarah Noble

    (In the early 18th century, a little girl of about seven is taken by her father to a deserted area in the woods where she spends most of the day alone while he builds a home for the family, and she cooks all the meals over a fire. When he leaves for the winter to go back to bring the rest of the family to the new home, he lets her live with the local Native tribe for several months.)

  123. edie January 22, 2010 at 1:05 am #

    The Country Mouse and the City Mouse Put an End to Their Visits: One Fears Lime Disease and the Other is Asthmatic and Fears the Ozone Levels.

  124. amy January 22, 2010 at 2:36 am #

    The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
    And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
    He had a broad face and a little round belly,
    That shook, when he laughed like a bowlful of jelly.

    Maybe we should just circle slash these two stanzas…?

  125. Chris B January 22, 2010 at 3:16 am #

  126. HankTheCowdog January 22, 2010 at 4:10 am #

    Danny Dunn and the Science Experiment That Got Him Suspended and Got His Parents’ Garage Searched By The Police
    Go Dog Go Because Mom Says I Have to Stay Home
    Mr. Popper’s Penguins Aren’t Real, They’re Made Up Just To Lure You Into His Car
    Treasure Island–Home of Long John Silver, Child Molester
    Good Fences Keep The Neighbors Away

  127. HankTheCowdog January 22, 2010 at 4:21 am #

    “I reckon I got to light out for the Territory ahead of the rest, because Aunt Sally she’s going to adopt me and sivilize me, and I can’t stand it. I been there before.”
    — The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

    Good ol’ Huck, the uber-FRK, the one us FRKs aspired to be. If any kids are still allowed to read it in school, due to its extensive use of non-PC vocabulary, can today’s over-protected children even recognize Huck as another kid?

  128. Crusty January 22, 2010 at 5:56 am #

    The Adventures of Winnie the Pooh: How to safely tranquilize a bear the wandered into the backyard of my new subdivision ?

  129. Crusty January 22, 2010 at 6:05 am #

    For the best children’s book ever read “Der Struwwelpeter” gotta love the germans… Suck you thumb and someones gonna break into the house and cut them off. The girl that plays with matches and emmoliate herself

  130. Claudia Conway January 22, 2010 at 6:43 am #

    The Nutritionally Balanced Caterpillar

    Just So You Don’t Have Anything Happen To You Stories

  131. babelbabe January 22, 2010 at 11:15 am #

    Crusty – I am also a HUGE fan of Eward Gorey’s Gashlycrumb Tinies.

    Brown Bear Brown Bear Do You See Me Calling Animal Control? made me howl with laughter…

    I am thinking. Not very clever but fun to think up : ):

    There’s a Monster at the End of this Book but don’t worry, Mommy will handle him for you

    Five Little Ducklings get what they deserve for wandering away from their mama.

    Guess How Much I Love You? Yes, that’s right, as far as the Wii controller and back.

    Roller Skates (but only with helmets and pads, and not around the block)

    Protected and Cosseted Betsy

    The Snowy Day as seen from the living room window

  132. Laurie January 22, 2010 at 12:32 pm #

    “The Man With An Alternative Belief System Maintaining Governmental Supervision of a Dream Induced Area Populated By Vertically Challenged Individuals”….also known as “The Wizard of Oz”

  133. Nita January 22, 2010 at 9:27 pm #

    Google Brown Boy Detective
    Harold and the Purple Crayon Get Arrested for Graffiti
    Miss Nelson is Missing and at Rehab

  134. erica January 23, 2010 at 3:23 am #

    Jen C. “Where The Sidewalk Ends Is Where the Pedophiles Lurk in the Shadows

    If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, Make Sure It’s Gluten-Free and Not a Peanut Butter Cookie” – Hilarious! (my kids have peanut allergies, so it’s doubly funny!)

    Here’s my contribution :

    Caps For Sale on Ebay or Etsy…because going door to door might get you kidnapped and/or molested…and it would require parental supervision, of course…and that’s really not possible when your in before, during and afterschool programs all day long.

  135. edie January 23, 2010 at 4:19 am #

    T he Cookie Monster and the Cookie Tree and the Pesticide Bellyache

  136. charles January 23, 2010 at 4:31 am #

    Not So Grimm Fairy Tales

  137. Kacie January 23, 2010 at 12:51 pm #

    Strawberry Shortcake – Only sugar-free shortcake and all organic strawberries washed for 3 minutes under cold water.

  138. mountcool2000 January 23, 2010 at 12:52 pm #

    The Very Hungry Catepillar Has a Glandular Problem

    On the Day You Were Born (Via Scheduled C-Section)

  139. N January 24, 2010 at 4:33 am #

    Where the Mild Things Are

  140. Ms.Terri January 24, 2010 at 4:46 am #

    Marvin K. Moony Will You Please Go Now Because I Saw Your Name on the Sex Offender Registry List

  141. Michelle The Uber F****n Haus Frau January 25, 2010 at 7:56 am #

    The Little Mermaid: Eric’s sex offender registry(for marrying 16 year old Ariel)

    Beauty and the Unfortunate Prince(beasts are too scarey!!)

    Charelotte’s Web Sprayed with Raid

    Cinderella taken by CPS

    Little Red Riding Hood(who is driven to granny’s)

    Alladin and the magic lamp that was confiscated by homeland security

    The Lord of the Lead-Free Nickle-Free Hypoallergenic Rings

  142. decemberbaby January 29, 2010 at 2:04 am #

    Mortimer, take your Ritalin!

    The don’t-touch-my Bellybutton Book

    But not the hippopotamus, she’s a bad influence.

    Spot goes nowhere

    I love you because you’re a straight-A student

    And to think that I saw it on Sesame Street!

    A Blackberry for Sal

    The Supervised Garden

    If I rode the bus (and other fantasies)

  143. edie January 29, 2010 at 3:53 am #

    The Princess & the Organic Pea

  144. Cait January 30, 2010 at 4:47 am #

    Madeline goes nowhere
    Harriet the virtual spy
    The Poky Little Puppy and the Fenced in Yard
    Little house on the cul-de-sac
    Pippi Longstocking gets neuro-psych testing

  145. Michelle February 1, 2010 at 1:46 am #

    Stand By Me & Hold My Hand
    The Insiders

  146. Ross Hirsch February 26, 2010 at 7:26 am #

    Where the Wild Things Are, There Might Not Be Cell Phone Reception.

  147. Chris February 26, 2010 at 12:57 pm #

    “Everybody Poops (And That’s Why We Only Use The Bathroom At Home)”

  148. edie February 27, 2010 at 4:37 am #

    The Princess & the Pesticide Pea

  149. edie February 27, 2010 at 4:40 am #

    The Little Red Hen’s Premonition About the Ozone (The Sky is Falling)

  150. becky s March 3, 2010 at 6:40 am #

    “Stay Out of That Wardrobe! There’s a Lion and a Witch in There! You Could Get Hurt!”

    “Pippi Longstocking and the Trip to Child Protective Services”

  151. Layne April 7, 2010 at 4:24 am #

    Hey shout outto you for being published TWICE in this month’s Reader’s Digest! Also, my other favorite blog, CakeWrecks, got a page!

    And I am frugal with my frequent tightwad moments!

  152. Angela July 9, 2010 at 2:37 am #

    Are You My Mother…or Just Another Nanny?

  153. Guusje July 25, 2010 at 7:25 am #

    The Little Engine that Didn’t Bother …… because he knew his mother would do it for him

    Beany Tried to Have a Secret Life

    Snow White Speaks to Strangers

    Cinderella Has Her Slipper Confiscated Because Glass is Dangerous

  154. Michele July 25, 2010 at 8:32 pm #

    Snow White and the Seven Little People

    Hoarders – Millions of Cats

    What Katy Didn’t

    The Call of the Tame

    Hans Brinker, or the Silver Skates Game

    Adam Off the Road

    Paintguns for Watie

    The Senior Citizen and the Sea

    How Green was my Lifestyle

  155. edie July 29, 2010 at 5:48 am #

    The Three Little Pigs Face Foreclosure
    The Three Blind Mice Have Cataract Surgery
    (From my friend, Sherry)

  156. edie August 3, 2010 at 12:06 am #

    Tubby the Tuba Blows His Diet and Must Face the Music!

  157. Jeannette September 5, 2010 at 7:19 am #

    The Co-existing Inclusive Cooperative of the Ring

  158. dedy September 9, 2010 at 4:51 pm #

    The pokey little puppy goes to the fair with his nanny and doesnt get left behind because his nanny holds his hand all the way.

  159. Amanda January 2, 2011 at 5:50 pm #

    The Bridge to the Television Room
    (instead of Terebithia)


  1. Top Posts — - January 21, 2010

    […] The Lion, The Witch and the Car Seat Hey Readers ! Let’s have a little fun. (Or a lot — up to you.) After reading the post below this one, […] […]

  2. Thank you for not being perky - In which I weed toys and am mad disappointed. - February 27, 2010

    […] The Lion the Witch and the Carseat. ahahahahaha. Via Free Range Kids. All these alternate kids book names are so good! Share and Enjoy: […]

  3. Links: Big Tex 2010 Edition - September 25, 2010

    […] The Lion, the Witch and the Car Seat: Readers get creative with classic book titles re-written for modern times. Example: “Pat the Bunny and Then Slather Your Hands with Purell.” (I love that this post is dated on my special birthday because I love children’s books.) […]